I don't understand why...

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Loco72, Dec 28, 2007.

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  1. Loco72

    Loco72 Well-Known Member

    It feels like my life is falling apart...I always get the christmas blues, my father passed away when I was 6, right before christmas, well, he committed suicide...my mother was in and out of hospital for her depression/suicide attempts for the next 15 years, always around the holidays...so Christmas has never been a very happy time for me. I moved away from home when I was 21. So the last 6 years I've tried making it better, and I'd lie if I said it wasn't a bit better, but I'd always be reminded how alone I feel. Well, about 9 months ago I met the love of my life...it was a very complicated situation, long distance...she had issues she'd not taken care of that she should've before we started dating(gone from a 8 year emotional rollercoaster relationship, straight to another 1 year emotionally draining relationship, then straight to seeing me), but things between us was always so easy, in the 6 months we saw each other we never argued, disagreed, had great communication...it was perfect. Well, over thanksgiving I had a meltdown...bad... I'm on lamicta and Vistaril, had forgotten to get my meds refilled, and we went on a 4 day camping trip...I shouldd've known better, but I've been feeling so good that I figured I'd be ok...well, by Sunday I was a total mess. The end result was the love of my life broke up with me, not because of my breakdown, well of course it had an influence, but because of her reaction...she said that instead of being supportive and there for me. she found herself pulling away and putting up walls, and then she realised she was not emotionally ready for a relationship, not really...I understand, and I hope maybe things will work out with us, I have a hard time accepting that things are lost forever...probably just kidding myself but it's one thing that's keeping me going right now.

    Well, I've been having some financial problems, but was working on getting it sorted, and when i was with her it just didn't stress me out as much, made me face it and handle it...well the last month things are just falling apart...and I don't know what to do,...don't want to do anything...think I'm about to lose my house... I have some AWESOME friends who have helped me a lot, I spent the most of the weekend and christmas with them, was only by myself sunday night and monday morning for a while...and that's when I just lost it and cut again...it's been probably more than 9 months since I did it, and I don't even know why...i just sit there and cut at my arm. I hid the cuts successfully untill tuesday night, when my one friend saw it...she didn't scold me, or anything, she told me to just call her when I want to do it. She understands it's a coping mechanism, but an unhealthy one. She works as a counselor for people with mental diseases, people that are in and out of hospital a lot, and her job is basically be there for them, to try and keep them out of hospital, lead normal lifes, so she's on call 24/7...anyway, so I feel I can't burden her with me as well...i'm supposed to be a friend, not a patient...she has kids, a family, a life of her own...and I don't want to intrude in her life...I don't want to lose more friends because of me...now cutting is all I can think of...and I don't know what to do...I've had some suicidal thoughts...nothing major...just how everyone would be better of, i would be better of, being dead.

    My dr prescribed me Ativan .25 mg twice daily as needed, and I called her one day i was really anxious and she said i could take a third...but it doesn't seem to make any difference, i don't even know if i'm anxious or what's going on, I just feel so out of control...I don't want to be alone, but don't want to be around anyone...only friends that i feel comfortable around are the ones i stayed with over xmas, but they life 2 1/2 hours from me, so i can't just drive over there for a couple of hours, tho i have done it a couple times, if i could afford it i would do it more often, but then again i don't want to wear them out...don't want them to dread my company. They tell me tho they love having me around, cause i'm real...I say what I mean and mean what i say. and even tho I have my issues, i'm not "work" for them to hang around, cause they can just be themselves...which is all great, but I don't want to become work for them. I think my biggest fear is losing them in my life as well...over the last 6 months i've lost most of my friends...people I considered to be my family...in the last month my previous "best Friend" betrayed my confidence, and that's one thing that's really hard forgive.

    So last night I made myself go out, hang out with some friends...ended up having to much to drink, but actually had a good time...One of my friends sister in law was there, was flirting a little, so that made me feel good, and maybe a bit guilty....when I got home I cut again...I don't even know why...i just don't understand why I do it...I used to understand, but now it seems just pointless...

    anyway...sorry, didn't mean to ramble, it just kinda spilled out. I need to get a grip of myself...
  2. Slinkybinky

    Slinkybinky Active Member

    Hey do you know what I reckon you probably cut because you felt you needed to punish yourself for having a good time-I know it sounds a bit odd but I do it too.

    When I'm having a really shit time i can sometimes stop myself cutting but if i've managed to actually enjoy myself I feel so guilty afterwards that i rarely manage to stop myself cutting-then i feel even more shit for doing it and so the cycle starts again.

    This probly isn't a lot of help but I ust wanted you to know you're not the only one who feels like that-I'm sorry xmas is such a bad time for you-it annoys me the way everyone goes on about it being a fab time of year when it can provoke so much hard stuff for so many people.

    Anyway hope you got through and stay sae.
  3. taranama

    taranama Well-Known Member

    firstly...thats what this forum is there for...so you can ramble!! but the best thing is that people here genuinely care!

    i know what you're going through with your ex..the love of my life knows he is but he's not ready for a relationship either..but that doesn't stop him leading me on....really badly....but i don't think he knows hes the real reason i cut..

    its so nice to hear that you have good friends you can rely on, it really is! and the whole "not wanting to be work for them" i totally get, but they're your friends, i'm sure you'd be there for them in the same way huh?!
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