I don't understand.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Atlantis5, Nov 25, 2013.

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  1. Atlantis5

    Atlantis5 Member

    I'm really new here, and I'm not doing well. I'm really tired of hurting like this. I go to bed in pain and I wake-up in pain. I can't even cry. I have dreams where I'm crying and I feel the anguish but I can't even weep when I wake-up. It's very painful. I want it to stop. I want to not wake-up. I don't understand the purpose of being in this agony. It seems pointless to continue like this.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you are in so much emotional pain i can tell you that in time the pain does decrease some Can you tell us what has brought you to this point
     
  3. Atlantis5

    Atlantis5 Member

    I lost everything. My job, the woman that I deeply, truly love, and all my friends disappeared. I've been battling with bi-polar since I was 14, and it was only four years ago that I got to the point of being able to deal with it and function. When I lost my job, I also lost my insurance and I could no longer get my medication. Everything collapsed after that. I was acting out and my partner couldn't deal because it was too much which made things worse. People I thought were my friends left, which I don't blame them for because I was out of control and they didn't under why because I never revealed my mental health stuff. I feel like a complete failure. I'm always screwing everything up.
     
  4. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Please don't lose hope. Hang in there. I know this is just a cliche, but when you've hit rock bottom, the only way is up. I know you've experienced great loss and is easy to feel like giving up, but you may never know when opportunity knocks at the least unexpected. Just hang onto that little glimpse of hope that things will change for the better.
     
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi Atlantis. I am so sorry things are this hard for you. Thats a lot going on. Are you still without insurance and medication? If so, would you want to call United Way and explain your circimstances to them. And then ask them where you can call to get help with getting medication you can afford. United way has a huge database of agencies etc. They are set up to take phone calls and find the right assistance for people. Usually people's local united way office can be reached by calling 211. Most often the referral lines are staffed 24/7.

    Glad you found this community. I think its a good one. I hope you will post as often as you want. :welcome:
     
  6. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    hi atlantis5, (btw i love atlantis if you mean the lost city)

    sorry you are suffering so much- i hope being on here makes it a little easier for you. we're all very understanding people.
     
  7. Atlantis5

    Atlantis5 Member

    Thank you mpang123, flowers, and emily83 for reaching out. It means a lot.
     
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    How are you feeling today, Atlantis? :hug:
     
  9. Atlantis5

    Atlantis5 Member

    Thanks for reaching out flowers. No, I've not been that great. This really is not a good time for me, since my partner left just before Thanksgiving of last year. My medication, even though adjusted and changed, has not brought any slight relief, even as I try to do things to augment the process of wellness... I'm still constantly thinking about ways to kill myself even as I am trying to distract myself from these thoughts. I know this takes time, but it has been a year of being miserable and not seeing any light, progress of light or anything. I feel incredibly dead inside.
     
  10. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Atlantis, I am sorry that medication has not brought relief. I do not know why good people have such hard lives. But I still hold on to hope. As freyed as the thread of hope may be often times. The feelings of wanting to die are there, believe me. But still there is always that thread of hope. Hope that somehow something can change. I hope that you will find a medication or treatment that helps. I really hope for this. I wish there was a place where people who suffer with bipolar disorder can go online to talk about what has worked for them. Sometimes the medical people may not know. I am going to a doctor who specializes in digestive system disorders. I told her that I have been researching someting I have. and there is a product I keep coming up with in my research. She had never heard of it. And yet it was in so much of the information I found from people online who had taken treatment into their own hands. She was glad to write down the info though.

    Believe me, I am not talking about going off of medication. Doing so could make matters much worse than they are now. just maybe researching to see what medications and treatments are helping people who seem to be having a hard time finding treatment. Then discussing it with your doctor. Somehow I will never give up on that thread of hope. No matter how much I want to die. No matter how hopeless things appear to be. I dont know if anything I wrote might be of benefit. Just know I am sorry things have been this painful for you... for so long.
     
  11. Atlantis5

    Atlantis5 Member

    Thanks flowers. I'm trying to find hope again
     
  12. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I understand that. I am not sure I have ever been at such a loss for hope. The thread is very freyed. So I do understand. I was reading the other day how hope is so important. It made me realize how I need to figure out a way to get back more of it. Anything to hold on to. Sometimes, maybe especially this time of year, its even harder
     
  13. Atlantis5

    Atlantis5 Member

    I thought I had replied, but apparently I didn't. Thanks for reaching out and for your thoughts. I spent the last week in a mental ward, something I was trying desperately to avoid since it's been five years that I've not tried to kill myself or people outside of me thinking that it would be best I was there. I guess regression is inevitable. It really is one of the worst feeling though
     
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