I dont understand

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Imagination, Dec 26, 2006.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Imagination

    Imagination New Member

    First off, I feel really silly even posting this because my life hasnt been all that bad compared to alot of people. I also dont even want to trully ask for help when so many others need it so much more than I do. But I have thought it over for several days after I found this site and I figgure one post will be ok. Just please dont ridicule me for whats been going on with me I dont even understand and thats what scares me the most.

    Ever since I was a child I have always had a problem making friends and even to this day I've never had a girlfriend and I am 19yrs old but I never let it bother me too much cause I had a great imagination and could keep myself company. I've always loved doing dangerous stuff especialy when I would get hurt doing it but i always figgured i was just a great adventure. But this is the part hardest to explain, as far back as I can remember in my mind i was a student and i would always listen and learn from "Mike" (is wht i named him). On my adventures i would become Mike and even though i was alone in life he was always there. But as i got older the things he told me to do just seemed destructive so i just put him off a an imaginary friend i no longer needed.

    But he never left and it seemed to me as though he had a louder more powerfull pressence than my own though i tried to just ignore as a over grown childs imaginary friend. Then i got sick in January of the 7th grade. It wasnt till my concened grandfathe took me to the hospital durring sping break with them i learned i had Crohn's disease. Then "Mike" was as loud as ever. "You told your mother you were sick but she didnt care. She just said all you do is sleep" which was true because only time i wasnt in pain was when i was sleeping. For several years i resented my mother though i still loved her so. Then time for college came and i left for a true mental hell.

    In highschool i managed to make 5 friends, 5 great friends. but when we all left for college i lost all contact with them, in a way i guess i wanted to be alone for i never even tried to find them. I lived with my aunt and uncle while atending college but the drastic life change was extreemly hard and i grew to despise them too. Now my conversations with the imaginary "Mike" became welcome. I learned he rather be called "Aero" and i had full conversations with him all in my mind. Sometimes i would talk with him hours at a time untill id tell myself "what the hell am i doing?! im not crazy, Aero is NOT real" but his voice is so loud, and he is so much stronger than i but the things he tells me is completly wrong. And for a time i wanted to speak with none at all cause i thought i was actually going crazy. i droped out of college (also because i couldnt stand seeing everyone so happy and with atleast one other person to talk to except me) and i left my aunt and uncle abruptly and came home.

    Thats when, though not the first i thought bout it, Suicide, seemed my only choice and Aero loved the idea. I had no idea how i was going to do it but since my birthday was just a few days away it would be then. I wrote my note prior and the days that lead to the day consisted of nothing but lonely crying and stupid laughter in my head. But i couldnt do it, not even with Aero's encouragment. I had failed once again. This was half a year ago and I still cant stop crying each and every night. I'm just so tired

    I dont really know what im asking for here cause im pretty sure none will belive me or some will think im just crazy but perhaps all this is just some anti-consious my imagination is blowing out of porportion? Someone please tell me I'm normal and am just acting like a teenage child. No matter what I have always told myself I will fight for others but never for myself and perhaps that is why i cant end my life, for fear of hurting my family. But for once someone belives in me, belives i can kill myself and that person is not even real...
     
  2. dilbertrob

    dilbertrob Member

    Imagination, I have learned that even though you may not have it as bad off as some people, that doesn't mean that you are hurting any less. Most everyone here is very supportive and doesn't play the I have it worse than you game. From what you described, I believe I would find a professional to talk to. A counselor or doctor might be able to help you out. Good luck.
     
  3. Kalak

    Kalak Member

    You're not normal. You're not "crazy" either. You might be mentally ill though.
    I was (mis)diagnosed with schizophrenia and while researching it I encountered case-studies of people with schizophrenia that sound alot like what you're experiencing.

    My advice would be the following:

    1) See a psychiatrist, get medicated, get a diagnosis. If you don't like your psych or meds you can always change.
    2) If you don't have an income you should be able to get on disability or something with your diagnosis. Do your research online, or talk to a social worker.
    3) If your psych doesn't already suggest it, ask him about what kinds of therapy you can follow. In my country we have "daycenters" where you can follow therapy in small groups from 9-16h for a period of 1 year. This has benefitted me greatly, and although I still have suicidal thoughts, I feel like I'm improving my life after just one month of therapy.

    And I would also suggest that you do this ASAP. I waited way too long to get help and this has only made things worse.

    Good luck.
     
  4. no point

    no point Well-Known Member

    Imagination, I don't think you're crazy or not normal. But I agree that you should see someone about this. It may be that you have an overactive imagination but it may also be that you have an illness that can be treated with medicine.
     
  5. raw

    raw Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome Imagination

    Please don't worry about whether your problems seem less than others. It doesn't matter. Whats important is you are having problems that are causing you pain and concern. People here are very supportive whatever the problem may be. I gave up worrying about labels like "crazy" or "normal" a long time ago. They really have no meaning and are merely labels.

    I am sorry to hear you are having problems. The issues you talked about could actually be any number of disorders. The label doesn't matter. I think we all put too much stock in labels. What is important are the things that are bothering you and how to eliminate or control them.

    I would also recommend you see a professional who can help you assess your issues and come up with a treatment plan. The plan would probably involve therapy and very possibly medication. These things can really help over time to get control over the issues you have. I very much hope you persue professional help.

    Otherwise I look forward to hearing more from you and wish you well

    Take Care

    Rick
     
  6. Imagination

    Imagination New Member

    I cant seek personal help by myself, im not strong enough. And i cant call for help from my family, i dont have any idea how they will react to this. i dont know what to do. this is too stressing, i just want to be normal i cant handel this, i dont want to handel this.
     
  7. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. I understand all too well the fear of being labeled crazy, but raw is right. Those labels mean nothing.

    From my experience, if the problem interferes in how you live your life, that's when you should start thinking about getting some professional help. They can help you understand what's going on and possibly help you eliminate it, or at the very least lessen it so that it doesn't affect you so much. You are strong enough to get help. Just the fact that you reached out here tells me that you are. You can get through this.

    Pain is universal and everyone will have it during their life. Different things cause that pain, but the end result is the same, no matter the cause. The people here at SF come from all walks of life and many different problems, but everyone here understands the pain.

    What bothers me more than this voice you speak of is that you don't believe you deserve help as much as others. Please don't trivialize yourself or your concerns. Never compare yourself to others and decide you're not as deserving of help. Because you deserve it just as much as the next person.

    And I hope that you'll continue to post here at SF. It can be a source of great support if you let it.
     
  8. blackfire

    blackfire Well-Known Member

    No post is silly. They are all relavent to the author.
     
  9. Imagination

    Imagination New Member

    Thank you all for your replies and concern. Though it is only over the internet this is the first I have spoken of my problems and I trully appreciate the support. I have heard and thank you all for the advice but I dont think I can seek out help for myself just yet, no matter how scared I am I can NOT involve my family due to thier own financial and medical problems. If I can pull myself together and I get out on my own I can try and handel this myself. I guess I always knew my problems were serious, I just didnt want to belive it.

    Heh, I remember telling myself the internet was filled with nothing but cold and faceless people out to hurt me, guess I was wrong.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.