First off, I feel really silly even posting this because my life hasnt been all that bad compared to alot of people. I also dont even want to trully ask for help when so many others need it so much more than I do. But I have thought it over for several days after I found this site and I figgure one post will be ok. Just please dont ridicule me for whats been going on with me I dont even understand and thats what scares me the most.
Ever since I was a child I have always had a problem making friends and even to this day I've never had a girlfriend and I am 19yrs old but I never let it bother me too much cause I had a great imagination and could keep myself company. I've always loved doing dangerous stuff especialy when I would get hurt doing it but i always figgured i was just a great adventure. But this is the part hardest to explain, as far back as I can remember in my mind i was a student and i would always listen and learn from "Mike" (is wht i named him). On my adventures i would become Mike and even though i was alone in life he was always there. But as i got older the things he told me to do just seemed destructive so i just put him off a an imaginary friend i no longer needed.
But he never left and it seemed to me as though he had a louder more powerfull pressence than my own though i tried to just ignore as a over grown childs imaginary friend. Then i got sick in January of the 7th grade. It wasnt till my concened grandfathe took me to the hospital durring sping break with them i learned i had Crohn's disease. Then "Mike" was as loud as ever. "You told your mother you were sick but she didnt care. She just said all you do is sleep" which was true because only time i wasnt in pain was when i was sleeping. For several years i resented my mother though i still loved her so. Then time for college came and i left for a true mental hell.
In highschool i managed to make 5 friends, 5 great friends. but when we all left for college i lost all contact with them, in a way i guess i wanted to be alone for i never even tried to find them. I lived with my aunt and uncle while atending college but the drastic life change was extreemly hard and i grew to despise them too. Now my conversations with the imaginary "Mike" became welcome. I learned he rather be called "Aero" and i had full conversations with him all in my mind. Sometimes i would talk with him hours at a time untill id tell myself "what the hell am i doing?! im not crazy, Aero is NOT real" but his voice is so loud, and he is so much stronger than i but the things he tells me is completly wrong. And for a time i wanted to speak with none at all cause i thought i was actually going crazy. i droped out of college (also because i couldnt stand seeing everyone so happy and with atleast one other person to talk to except me) and i left my aunt and uncle abruptly and came home.
Thats when, though not the first i thought bout it, Suicide, seemed my only choice and Aero loved the idea. I had no idea how i was going to do it but since my birthday was just a few days away it would be then. I wrote my note prior and the days that lead to the day consisted of nothing but lonely crying and stupid laughter in my head. But i couldnt do it, not even with Aero's encouragment. I had failed once again. This was half a year ago and I still cant stop crying each and every night. I'm just so tired
I dont really know what im asking for here cause im pretty sure none will belive me or some will think im just crazy but perhaps all this is just some anti-consious my imagination is blowing out of porportion? Someone please tell me I'm normal and am just acting like a teenage child. No matter what I have always told myself I will fight for others but never for myself and perhaps that is why i cant end my life, for fear of hurting my family. But for once someone belives in me, belives i can kill myself and that person is not even real...
Ever since I was a child I have always had a problem making friends and even to this day I've never had a girlfriend and I am 19yrs old but I never let it bother me too much cause I had a great imagination and could keep myself company. I've always loved doing dangerous stuff especialy when I would get hurt doing it but i always figgured i was just a great adventure. But this is the part hardest to explain, as far back as I can remember in my mind i was a student and i would always listen and learn from "Mike" (is wht i named him). On my adventures i would become Mike and even though i was alone in life he was always there. But as i got older the things he told me to do just seemed destructive so i just put him off a an imaginary friend i no longer needed.
But he never left and it seemed to me as though he had a louder more powerfull pressence than my own though i tried to just ignore as a over grown childs imaginary friend. Then i got sick in January of the 7th grade. It wasnt till my concened grandfathe took me to the hospital durring sping break with them i learned i had Crohn's disease. Then "Mike" was as loud as ever. "You told your mother you were sick but she didnt care. She just said all you do is sleep" which was true because only time i wasnt in pain was when i was sleeping. For several years i resented my mother though i still loved her so. Then time for college came and i left for a true mental hell.
In highschool i managed to make 5 friends, 5 great friends. but when we all left for college i lost all contact with them, in a way i guess i wanted to be alone for i never even tried to find them. I lived with my aunt and uncle while atending college but the drastic life change was extreemly hard and i grew to despise them too. Now my conversations with the imaginary "Mike" became welcome. I learned he rather be called "Aero" and i had full conversations with him all in my mind. Sometimes i would talk with him hours at a time untill id tell myself "what the hell am i doing?! im not crazy, Aero is NOT real" but his voice is so loud, and he is so much stronger than i but the things he tells me is completly wrong. And for a time i wanted to speak with none at all cause i thought i was actually going crazy. i droped out of college (also because i couldnt stand seeing everyone so happy and with atleast one other person to talk to except me) and i left my aunt and uncle abruptly and came home.
Thats when, though not the first i thought bout it, Suicide, seemed my only choice and Aero loved the idea. I had no idea how i was going to do it but since my birthday was just a few days away it would be then. I wrote my note prior and the days that lead to the day consisted of nothing but lonely crying and stupid laughter in my head. But i couldnt do it, not even with Aero's encouragment. I had failed once again. This was half a year ago and I still cant stop crying each and every night. I'm just so tired
I dont really know what im asking for here cause im pretty sure none will belive me or some will think im just crazy but perhaps all this is just some anti-consious my imagination is blowing out of porportion? Someone please tell me I'm normal and am just acting like a teenage child. No matter what I have always told myself I will fight for others but never for myself and perhaps that is why i cant end my life, for fear of hurting my family. But for once someone belives in me, belives i can kill myself and that person is not even real...