I Don't Understand

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by kristellechou, Feb 23, 2015.

  1. kristellechou

    kristellechou Well-Known Member

    I am wired differently, I feel like I'm not built to be a person.

    I have some really great friends who genuinely care and they have made huge efforts and shown they don't want me to do what I want to do but I am extremely unhappy.

    I know I should get another job, any job and that's easy enough but I don't have it in me to go out into the world.

    This boy has shown me he doesn't want me but I still want him back.

    I have a little sister who also went through the same thing I'm going through now - in this same apartment, on the same bed I'm sitting in now, she says she tried a few not-so-fool-proof ways to off herself. She's who has been calling me everyday from overseas to make sure I'm still alive. Between her, the rest of my family and my friends, I should have all the reasons to want to get up and be better. This includes sweet revenge on the boy by maybe running into him again one day and he would see how much better I was.

    But I do not to exist anymore. I just want it all to stop. Not wake up, you know? I think I need to be checked into a facility but A. Down here that's really expensive and B. I feel like knowing that would drive me even crazier.
  2. SynapseR

    SynapseR Member

    Greetings kristellechou,

    I've been in a mental institution (in Portugal) and I can tell you from my experience that it was not therapeutic at all, although if you are having any suicidal ideation you should definitely consider that option.

    Let's try to focus on what is missing in your life: you have recently broken up with your boyfriend am I correct? I'm talking about it because most of the time, we have a very specific problem that "bleeds" into every aspect of our lives.

    As you said, you have supportive friends and a supportive family but you are not being able to put any effort into work or relationships.

    It is completely normal when we face a personal crisis. Waking up without no sense of purpose or any enthusiasm to live, I've been there for almost three months. I've ended relationships and I was always wondering how my partner was doing and I was eager to show her how well I was doing. In a way, that means we have some self esteem and that's great, but in the end you will not feel accomplished or fulfilled for doing so.

    kristellechou, what really makes you tick? What are your interests or goals? We all have a different definition of happiness: some people focus on their carreers, others focus on family, others devote their lives to helping strangers. You have to find out what is your purpose. It is not a linear path, it involves a lot of frustration but great joy aswell. You have friends and this forum to seek help whenever you need. Do not give up.

    You said you are wired differently, we all are. You are unique and deserve love and happiness like everyone else :)