I don't understand.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AAA3330, Mar 28, 2015.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I don't understand why my suicidal feelings are so strong. They never go away. I used to be happy and now I'm in so much mental pain all of the time. I don't understand why so many people say that "suicide is never the answer". Nobody understands the mental torment that I deal with. It's so bad and it never stops. Maybe most of the time suicide isn't the answer, but in my case death is the only way that my pain will end. I've already been on all kinds of meds. People should have the option to get assistance to end their life, but society is so hell bent on everything can be cured with drugs and that life is so important and it is to a healthy person, but not for someone that has to suffer all of the time. Healthy people just don't understand the kind of mental pain that some of us have to deal with. I'm so alone with this thing. I hurt so bad all of the time while life continues all around me. I'm so tired of hurting all of the time. I used to believe in God and that he watched out over me. Life is so hard. I really should kill myself, but my instinct for self preservation is so strong. I don't understand why some of us have to suffer this way. I was always so very fortunate all of my life and always felt good. Now all that I feel is pain and suffering. I couldn't be happy even if I had a million dollars. I have a decent income and a nice home, but none of that seems to matter anymore. I always knew that people could get depression, but I didn't realize that anyone could feel as bad as I do. I just wouldn't have been able to imagine it. Something is seriously messed up with my brain and don't think that any drug is going to cure it. I'm so screwed and I just don't know what to do. I have a chance to go to this place that is kind of like being in the hospital. I think that I may go even though I don't think that it will help me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 28, 2015
  2. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    I'm so sorry you're in so much pain right now. It must feel so discouraging that meds haven't helped you, especially since you don't point to any external triggers (like unemployment) that might be causing the depression and that could help fix it, if addressed. I see you're a senior member so I hope I am not mouthing off here about stuff you've already thought about, but....here goes.

    Is it possible that old childhood stuff is undermining you? Are you in therapy at all and if so, is it the right person for you?

    Much as you hate the idea, it might be worth another shot at meds. It can take a long time to get the right combination, and even then, that doesn't last forever. it's like you have to keep ahead of meds as you build up immunity to them. I'm not a big fan of meds myself, but when there aren't any obvious external triggers, as in your case, that does seem a place to start. The main thing is that you find a doctor who will respect your input and make you an equal partner in the process. Research the pharmaceutical and non-pharmaceutical options out there so you can carry your own in the conversation. It might be that something like vagus nerve stimulation is right for you.

    I was also struck by your loss of faith in God. Being an agnostic myself, I have no feelings o this one way or another, only that I know that the loss of faith is a very deep and profound one. It hits on so many different levels.

    Please be gentle with yourself.
  3. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for responding. I saw a psychiatrist for about two years and she tried several different med on me, but none helped. I stopped seeing her because she didn't really have any more ideas. I don't believe in God anymore because I hurt so badly and he's proven not to be there when I need help. I hurt so bad mentally that I just want to die. I didn't think that it was possible for anyone to hurt this way, but it's possible and I'm living proof of it. I just want it all to go away. I feel like I'm being punished.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    IF you pdoc could not help you then find another pdoc that may have a different approach
  5. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for responding. That's a good idea and I think that I'm going to try that. It just seems like it's been a slow process.
  6. iicookieii

    iicookieii Active Member

    I can relate to this. It makes me sad to see others in such pain.

    I wonder if theres anyway you can look into alternative or complementary medicine? Like you said. Western medicine often treats everything with a pill, but maybe complementary or integrative therapy could help as well?
  7. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I've tried counseling but that didn't help. Something is seriously messed up inside of my head and I don't think that any med is going to cure it. It's always there even in my sleep. I have terrible nightmares. I feel like I'm in hell. It would be so much better if I could just die. Maybe someday I will find the right method and have the courage to do it.
  8. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    Two years may not have been a long enough time to put together an effective medication regime, since you usually have to wait a matter of a few weeks to see if they're working. It's very complicated: Often you have to put together a group that work synergistically. Not only are you having to find the right meds, but the right doses and the right interactions. Then, one or more may stop working so you need to find a replacement. Sometimes it seems like more trouble than it's worth, but when you get the right combination (and people do), it makes all the difference in the world. Having said that, I totally understand if you decide not to go the med route as I have been off meds for months now myself.

    iicookleii suggests complementary and integrative therapy - have you considered this? These often have strong spiritual components that many people find useful.

    At the very least, I would ask the doctor about something to help you sleep. Adequate sleep is vitally important to your mood and energy level. I suffer from insomnia myself and there is a reason why it's considered torture to deny enemy soldiers sleep.
  9. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for responding. I don't think that therapy would do any good and I really can't afford it anyway. I did try it for a while and it doesn't seem to do any good. I think that my brain is damaged somehow and that there's just no hope for me. I have a chance to stay at this place that is kind of like being in the hospital and think that I may do it. I don't think that it will do any good, but it's a chance at trying to get some help. I sleep ok. I just have terrible nightmares. I think that in my case that death would be the best thing for me, but it's up to me to find a way and do it because nobody's going to help me do it.
  10. bayareagirl

    bayareagirl Well-Known Member

    Hi, I feel your pain and I'm sorry you are in this situation. Sounds worth a try to go to this hospital place. Hope you get some relief. There's other treatments such as ECT and TMS that may work for treatment resistant depression. Im so sorry that you are suffering so much and wish you all the best.
  11. bayareagirl

    bayareagirl Well-Known Member

    Also, you are incredibly brave and strong to be open to going to this place.
  12. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    Thank you bayareagirl. I'm kind of scared to go especially because I don't think that I will like the food. ECT is kind of out of the question for me because of the expense. Things are just really messed up in my head and I don't think that it will ever get better.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 30, 2015
  13. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I really need to find a way to kill myself. The suffering is just too much. I feel like something has got a grip on my brain. I just can't take this anymore. It's much worse than any of my worst nightmares. It's so frightning to feel this way and I'm all alone with this. Sometimes death is the only solution.
  14. Big M

    Big M Well-Known Member

    I too struggle with chronic suicidal feelings and have not had great luck with medications. I don't have some magic answer for you but I would say definitely go to the hospital if you can.
  15. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    Thank you Big M.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.