I don't understand

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by amethyst, Jul 23, 2007.

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  1. amethyst

    amethyst Member


    I'm a new member. I don't understand myself, why I get the feelings that I do.

    It's hard for me to write this, as, to be honest, I have no clue about myself. I have no tag on my emotions and I feel all jumbled up and sometimes have no idea what I'm feeling. Thats like at the moment.

    Basically I go through phases, sometimes I'm up.. relatively, I never seem HAPPY just, indifferent, I do get happy, but it never lasts long. And then I come crashing down and feel suicidal and helpless, I formulate plans and wonder how I'll do "things", then it becomes almost an obsession, feeling really down and sucide dominates my mind.

    Until 4 weeks ago, I never spoke to anyone I knew about any of this. I did speak to Samaritans during one particularly dark period, but I told my friend. I cant confide in her though when I'm down, I become and emotional recluse.

    I was going to get help, but I can't help but feel I would waste their time, I spoke to someone who said that everyone feels down sometimes, am i just over reacting and does everyone get like this?? I dont think it'd be worth the help. Im not really sure if i want it.

    I guess I'm just wondering if I'm normal, or if I have got "a problem" *i cant think of what else to call it*. Can anyone understand what I'm feeling and help me understand too?

  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Amethyst I can see why you are confused in all this. Most people do have times of being up and down, and many have thought of suicide from time to time. The only way to tell if you may have depression and if it will be a problem for you is to speak with your doctor. They will recommend things for you to do. It would not be a waste of your time to seek help. It would not be a waste of their time either. It is probably the wisest decision to make to keep your thoughts and plans from becoming reality. I am glad you decided to open up to us here. You will meet many people who understand how you feel because they have either been there or are there now. Take care.

    By the way, :welcome: to SF. It's nice to have you here.
  3. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    I agree with Gentlelady and also:welcome: to SF.
    I have been confused and mixed up for a long time and i didnt think another living sole could possibly understand what i was going through but then i doscovered SF i havent been here to long either but it does help becouse you can say what your feeling to those that have or are feelibg it to, look forward to seeing you around the site TC hun pm anytime :hug:
  4. Hi amethyst,

    This sounds like low grade chronic depression. That "Blah" feeling that only seems to go away every so often. It always comes right back and seems to get stronger each time.

    All people do have "normal" ups and downs, all people have considered suicide one or twice, but when the thoughts become pervasive, and your downs out weigh your ups, it's safe to assume you are not over reacting.

    If nothing else talk therapy may help you to find the root cause of your ups and downs.
  5. amethyst

    amethyst Member

    Thank you everyone.

    I've been noticing these up and downs for about a year now. Although, when I did some serious thinking about it I have always been considering suicide, just that I noticed it more over the past year.

    I got glandular fever when I was 14 and that, I think, was where it all started. It was a really... depressing time *I dont like using the word because I feel it degrades those that are seriously depressed*. All I wanted was to see that my friends cared. And they didn't. And my parents even doubted me, they thought I was lying.

    Ever since then things came round in swings and round abouts. But majoratively I felt ok. It was when I started at my new school when things really went down hill. Each "episode" I have gets worse. I have my indifferent days, and bad days. And the bad weeks etc. I always contemplated suicide as something I would plan for, but never do. This episode though, all I can think about is how much I want to die.

    I don't know what to do.

  6. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    You sound EXACTLY like me. I've gotten to the point now, where I'm afraid to get happy because I know that there will be a down to follow that, and the more happy the phase is the more depressed you will be when you fall. Is how I see it anyway.
    there's no such thing as 'normal' honey, but you do seem to have a problem, you ought to talk to someone, if you have the guts to :)

    Welcome by the way.
    feel free to PM me.
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Illnesses can have an effect on your depression level. It could be thet having gladular fever opened the door for depression to set in. It might be worth asking a health care professional about. You would not be wasting anyones time by seeking help. It is better than the alternative. I hope you get this figured out and under control so you can feel a bit better about things at least. Sometimes knowing can be a relief. Then you know there is nothing peculiar about you. Many people do have these same feelings. Take care and do what you need to do in order to stay safe.
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