Sometimes I just don't understand myself. I feel as if I am very good at hiding my emotions, it took the people around me a long time to figure out exactly how down I was until I started hurting myself and people never really know how I really feel about them. It doesn't get in the way of our relationship since most of the time they have no idea I feel differently. I'm proud of that, it makes me feel like a good person, being able to be nice to someone even tho I hate them. Tonight I broke down. I did things I really didn't want to do but, they felt so right at the time. I feel like giving a brief introduction to myself, just in the middle of this. Five years ago I was diagnosed with mono. I stopped going to school, and got very depressed. It's been five years almost six now since I went to school, or studied at all. Recently I have been heavily influenced by drugs, mainly cocaine. I haven't told my parents, as I don't want to hurt their feelings. I was waiting for a time with enough self confidence to able to tell them, but it came out into the open after a long chain of events. I feel I can't trust anyone anymore. I feel I have no real friends that can support me through hard times. Basically I feel very alone, and have felt so for quite some time now. I live in Colombia, and I'm not Colombian. I'm a British American, so theres always a very foreign feeling in between me and my 'friends'. I'm old enough to go live on my own in another country, but I'm terrified that I can't take care of myself. I think about suicide frequently. I've tried to kill myself twice. Once with razors to my wrists, and another by crashing my car against oncoming traffic. Obviously failed both times but now I feel happy enough that suicide is just a thought. I'm not entirely sure why I'm posting this, I guess I just feel that I don't really have anywhere else to go. Cocaine changes me. I don't do drugs to run away from my problems, or at least I don't think so. I do them because it changes me. When I am under the influence of cocaine, I lack inhibitions. I feel I can be friendly, I feel like I can be a person I want to be. From that type of experience I attempt to translate the feeling to when I am sober, I think of cocaine as a sort of Prozac or something. It makes me a better person after use. Again I don't know where I'm getting at this, I know there are people with much more severe problems, but I know that if i don't get help I'll end up trying to hurt myself again. I guess I just want to be heard for once. Feels like nobody ever really listens, they just wait for their turn to talk.