I don't Understand

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by RedBall, Jan 30, 2009.

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  1. RedBall

    RedBall Member

    I am feeling very frustrated as I have been depressed for most of my life. When I was young I used to spend all my time wishing I was dead and I as got older I though it was normal to want to kill yourself. 4 years ago I got even more depressed and I started to properly plan my suicide. I ended up on medication so I didn’t feel so depressed, but I never stopped wanting to be dead. I still don’t understand why I didn’t kill myself.

    I get very upset as all the stuff you read about depression always says to get help so you don’t kill yourself. I don’t want help so I can cope with the feelings, I just want help to kill myself in a safe way. Where do I get this help? I don’t understand why someone who has wanted to be dead since they were a kid and even while on medication for depression wanted to be dead cant get the support to do it. Where can I get this support?
  2. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Firstly welcome to SF, I hope you find it a supporting environment for you through this rough time.

    The fact you're still here and not attempted to take your life shows to me something is stopping you. Hang on to it because you don't need to feel this way forever even though it may seem like it.

    Depression effects people differently and medication works for some better than others. Perhaps if you go back to your doctor and let them know you still feel suicidal? Or let them know the medication isn't working they can suggest another course of treatment for you. Do you have any idea why you've felt suicidal for so long? Sometimes getting to the core of it can be the first step to feeling better within yourself.

    Depression can be a long struggle, but by joining this forum you're with people who can understand your feelings and I hope by the peer-to-peer support you'll get through it.

    Take care. :hug:
  3. pensive1981

    pensive1981 Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure what you mean by "kill yourself in a safe way." Obviously you don't mean your own safety but I don't think all that many suicides put others in danger.

    That said, welcome to the forum. It sounds like you've felt this way for quite a while. If you're looking on some level for help to come around, the people here will be supportive.

    I understand that you don't want help learning to be happy with whatever your circumstances happen to be. But are you 100% convinced that you can't make the circumstances something that you will want to experience?

    Deciding to live doesn't have to be about learning to like crap. A lot of the times the crap can be changed into something better.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    :hug: Redball

    Welcome to the forums :)

    I'm glad you found us.

    Therapy rarely works alone for dealing with suicidal thoughts. Have you seen a therapist? If not, I think you should. It can really help to talk to someone how you are feeling and they can help you pin point what exactly the problem is.

    Don't give up. We are here for you :arms:
  5. RedBall

    RedBall Member

    Hi, Thanks for responding to my comments. I’ll try and answer some of your questions here. I don’t want to go back to the doctor because I’ve moved and will have to tell a new doctor all about my problems, which makes me feel scared and I can never describe how I feel and always end up saying I don’t feel as bad as I do.

    I’ve felt suicidal for so long as I fail at everything. When I was a kid I was stupid and not very good at school. When I went to college I had to drop out as I’m not clever. I always make wrong decisions and when I look back over the passed 4/5 years (when my depression got very bad) I keep making decisions that make things worse. I was in a better position 4 years ago and that was a time I had no job, no friends and I used to spend my days writing in a book about how much of a bad person I was and drawing pictures of me dead, then I would go out and try and find places I could kill myself.

    When I say that I want to kill myself in a safe way, I mean a way that will work and not leave me half alive and injured.

    The trouble for me is that I just don’t want to be alive and have felt like that since I was very young. I just want help to die. I hope I don’t sound ungrateful for your commentsL
  6. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    this sounds to me like depression talking... i would urge you to be brave and seek support from your dr... have you tried any meds? have you ever had therapy?
    both of those things in combination helped me a lot...
    i hope this forum helps you feel less alone

    sam xx
  7. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi. . . i am glad you reached out here.

    as i am getting older and faced with yet another crisis, likely based on yet another on my long list of bad decisions.....i can identify with you. my age perhaps gives me a bit of perspective. . . or just a longer list! :eek:hmy: but what i am realizing, is that these bad decisions were perhaps a result of my self-image , lack of confidence, and fears that i would never succeed - so i just set myself up for that.

    had i gotten help for these things, years ago, perhaps i would be in a completely different state of mind.

    so - my point is, that it is not too late. it's not too late for me - as i still have a heartbeat, still breathing. and it's not too late for you - you reached out - and don't give up until you have tried absolutely everything under the sun. a new therapist - might be THE right one for you. and there are different types of therapy - not just the sitting/talking kind. and. . meds combined with traditional talk therapy has been proven to work on depression. when depression lifts - - we can think rationally. and make better decisions. and improve our quality of life.
    think about it. pm me or someone else here - anytime. we are all here to support you. :hug:
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