I don't understand.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cinema, Oct 8, 2011.

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  1. cinema

    cinema New Member

    I am new to this forum.

    I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder.

    I've been feeling very suicidal and have thought about a couple of different ways of killing myself.

    But, I don't feel sad, I don't feel happy or angry with anyone or myself. I feel numb. I hate feeling numb. I feel like this all the time. Though, I really dont like to call it a feeling, but a lack of feeling.

    I've been going through a lot mentally, and not much emotionally. I feel emotionally sanded smooth, you understand what i'm saying?

    I hear stuff and I feel paranoid A LOT. I just want out of it all.

    Thanks for reading

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I understand what you are saying hun been emotionally numb myself sometimes talking about things help bring emotions to the surface again. I hope you continue to reach out hun here and in real world too hugs to you
  3. cinema

    cinema New Member

    Thank you so much for responding.

    I know some people are very sad/depressed when they commit suicide or think about it. I have always had a lack of feelings when i've been suicidal or when i've attempted it. When I am depressed and suicidal I still feel like I could possibly do something, even if it means sitting and doing nothing and waiting it out.

    I feel nothing. Just nothing.


    I have social anxiety disorder and agoraphobia, also, so I rarely leave my house, period, so other people are out of the question. I have no job. I am in my early twenties but got kicked out of college because I got too low of grades because I was too scared to be around people so I skipped class a lot.
  4. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    I have schizoaffective disorder.

    I used to think all sorts of things when I was unmedicated. I believed that I was chosen of god to do all sorts of works... to believing that the place I receive treatment was behind a state conspiracy to medicate people resulting in mind control.

    The illness is sad and what it does to a person. The illness needs to be reigned in before it can get better.

    What meds are you being placed on?
  5. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Hey cinema - welcome mate - and a bonus with schizophrenia and its little band of ailments is that meds DO work - very effectively in most if not all cases I know.

    Your disorder - I could Google it but explain for us what the situation is there. My neighbour has schizophrenia - he does ok - gets a nice rate of benefits and has lots of time and a few quid to do a few things. He chooses to get drunk 7 days a week - his choice - but the illness is well controlled.

    Another guy - similar sort of illness - took it upon himself to stop meds and stop beer and stop smoking a bong - and declare all his friends to be 'enemies!!!!' he shouts it out - wearing some Indian type robe - plus a T-shirt which denounces a certain friend for infidelity or something.

    But take the meds and your right as rain in that department - I mean nobody would know your ill - seriously - I know a few who really have their lives together.

    So what's causing you to feel so down right now? Anything been going in your life make you feel less than wanted? You got family out there? Hope to hell they are understanding - I mean sometimes they might be - but if your young you keep things in.

    You got anyone to talk to out there? Just someone close to you would help - but when you feel like dying - sometimes close friends are just too close to tell things to!

    But you got to tell someone mate. Keeping this in - I done it for 30 years and survived - obviously - but most won't. It's not worth trying.

    As for voices - well usually the meds do real good there - you sure you been taking them of late?

    How long it is since you told your doc or health care about things going downhill for?

    I hear you with the emotions sanded down - the numbness - that's the stage after all the anger and whatnot - but you got to talk things through - because bad as it seems what your going through is a bit of a valley - obviously not the peak in your life.

    Tell us what you do or what you'd like to do with yourself?

    Just settle down with someone I suppose - but maybe you aspire to something more - art, writing, music - and sport - or live the quiet life.

    Always wanted to be a pioneer in space flight - a dream sadly crushed by the years - and bad science results! But - with planet earth in the rear view mirror - sometimes it seems to me like that would be great if your GP offered that instead of a psych.

    Anyhow - good luck mate and hope you find the forum to be useful.
  6. cinema

    cinema New Member

    Well, first of all...

    Schizoaffective is symptoms of schizophrenia and mood disorder. In my case, the depressive subtype, not bipolar. The mood part is easy to explain, and hopefully assuming you know what schizophrenia entails (delusions, hallucinations, negative symptoms). Um, hm:


    Hope that works...

    I was diagnosed this at 15. I am 21, though, now. The past couple of years I rarely am depressed so I had start to question my diagnosis, thinking maybe it's just schizophrenia.

    I live with my father. Though he works so much, I might as well say I live alone, in a way.

    Anyway, thing is...i'm not on meds. I'm very afraid to take meds. For side effect reasons, but I don't want to be controlled. I feel as if I always lose myself when I am not those meds. It takes me away, though, even though I don't believe i'm being poisoned, the thoughts could easily go there. I try not to think about it. I am extremely paranoid, nonetheless. I don't ever leave my house unless I am with my father, and I am willing to go without food and water if it means I can stay inside...

    I just make art all day. I hardly sleep. I could sleep 5 hours one night, 2 hours the next, 7-8 hours the next and then maybe none the next, etc.

    Thing is. I just don't feel a thing 95% of the time. With my emotions.

    I feel like i'm able to change the world with my art. I understand why doctors would consider that a delusion. But I think, how? How is it that, that might not be possible? I believe in my self, but I am too scared to go outside my house. Then sometimes even when I still think that, I give up, hoping something will re-establish my motivation within a day or two. I still believe it but the fear and always having to watch over my shoulder kills the motivation.

    I just feel like I can deny my illnes in a few ways and write it off as me just being an eccentric artist of some sorts. Then I feel like I cannot when people say I'm too delusional, but no one is hearing me.

    So I fear people in my town want to hurt me. Delusional? Maybe not. I don't go and fear that the CIA or FBI is after me. I would also think since it seems more believe cause it's smaller scale, people would be more likely to hear me out and even believe me.

    The mental health system is highly flawed and seemingly useless, in my eyes. I want to tell a therapist that I feel suicidal without getting locked in a hospital. As soon as I say "I am" and "suicide" or "suicidal" in the same sentence, everything changes. Understandable but I honestly do not want to kill myself. This is why I am on hear talking about it. I have tried to kill myself (almost successfully) in the past and I told NO ONE. I am speaking because I don't want to today. Though, it doesnt matter what I say to a professional if all I have to say is "I feel like I wanna kill myself" for every single thing to change. Thats all they hear.

    >>>>>I feel suicidal right now, and I am scared, because I have bad impulsitivity but I don't want to die. I just don't know what to do, so that l am not triggered to go ahead and do it in seconds time.<<<<<

    I am very confused about my feelings and I am having extreme trouble understanding myself this past month and my feelings because a lack of them largely. I suppose thats the only trouble I am having.

    ..I havent been on meds for a year...
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 8, 2011
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