Well, first of all...
Schizoaffective is symptoms of schizophrenia and mood disorder. In my case, the depressive subtype, not bipolar. The mood part is easy to explain, and hopefully assuming you know what schizophrenia entails (delusions, hallucinations, negative symptoms). Um, hm:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizophrenia
Hope that works...
I was diagnosed this at 15. I am 21, though, now. The past couple of years I rarely am depressed so I had start to question my diagnosis, thinking maybe it's just schizophrenia.
I live with my father. Though he works so much, I might as well say I live alone, in a way.
Anyway, thing is...i'm not on meds. I'm very afraid to take meds. For side effect reasons, but I don't want to be controlled. I feel as if I always lose myself when I am not those meds. It takes me away, though, even though I don't believe i'm being poisoned, the thoughts could easily go there. I try not to think about it. I am extremely paranoid, nonetheless. I don't ever leave my house unless I am with my father, and I am willing to go without food and water if it means I can stay inside...
I just make art all day. I hardly sleep. I could sleep 5 hours one night, 2 hours the next, 7-8 hours the next and then maybe none the next, etc.
Thing is. I just don't feel a thing 95% of the time. With my emotions.
I feel like i'm able to change the world with my art. I understand why doctors would consider that a delusion. But I think, how? How is it that, that might not be possible? I believe in my self, but I am too scared to go outside my house. Then sometimes even when I still think that, I give up, hoping something will re-establish my motivation within a day or two. I still believe it but the fear and always having to watch over my shoulder kills the motivation.
I just feel like I can deny my illnes in a few ways and write it off as me just being an eccentric artist of some sorts. Then I feel like I cannot when people say I'm too delusional, but no one is hearing me.
So I fear people in my town want to hurt me. Delusional? Maybe not. I don't go and fear that the CIA or FBI is after me. I would also think since it seems more believe cause it's smaller scale, people would be more likely to hear me out and even believe me.
The mental health system is highly flawed and seemingly useless, in my eyes. I want to tell a therapist that I feel suicidal without getting locked in a hospital. As soon as I say "I am" and "suicide" or "suicidal" in the same sentence, everything changes. Understandable but I honestly do not want to kill myself. This is why I am on hear talking about it. I have tried to kill myself (almost successfully) in the past and I told NO ONE. I am speaking because I don't want to today. Though, it doesnt matter what I say to a professional if all I have to say is "I feel like I wanna kill myself" for every single thing to change. Thats all they hear.
>>>>>I feel suicidal right now, and I am scared, because I have bad impulsitivity but I don't want to die. I just don't know what to do, so that l am not triggered to go ahead and do it in seconds time.<<<<<
I am very confused about my feelings and I am having extreme trouble understanding myself this past month and my feelings because a lack of them largely. I suppose thats the only trouble I am having.
..I havent been on meds for a year...