I dont wanna die..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ScouseJM, Mar 2, 2008.

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  1. ScouseJM

    ScouseJM Well-Known Member

    Hi..

    I have already in recent weeks cut my wrists several times "just to harm myself" and I find it harder every day to stay away from the knives or razor blades.. I dont wanna die but I dont care about anything, all I want is to be able to go back home to live with my (ex-) boyfriend and the children again. Every day I cry and cry and cry and I have already been diagnosed with severe depression. I am at the moment unable to attend therapy or receive medical treatment though, due to insurance reasons. And it might sound stupid and horrible, but I dont wanna get over this. I dont wanna move on and build a new life without my family, I just wanna go back home. But my boyfriend wants to be on his own/only with the kids (Im not the birth mother). I have build my whole world around them I just wanna go back home. Every day I wait for him to ask me to come home but my head knows he wont but my heart and hope are stronger so I wait and wait and wait. I have panic attacks and nightmares every night. I dont eat, I dont sleep much. If I cant go back to live with them again then I dont wanna live at all. The only reason Im still here is because hold on to this stupid stupid hope. I love them so much. Please smebody help me I just wanna go back home
     
  2. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    JM let me offer you a hug :hug: because you deserve that not further hurt. I wish there were magic words i could offer to heal all the pain you are feeling at the moment but there are none. What i can offer though is to listen, you can share your pain and hurt and i won't run away from you.
    Maybe it would help to write about what has happened recently, on here or just in a diary of some sort - get it out of your head because often thinking the same thing over and over again makes things so mixed up and feel as though we'll explode.
    Try and take care of yourself for a bit. I know you are in pain and you are angry and frustrated and lost and don't know how to express all this but you don't deserve to hurt more than you are doing. Even if its only for 5 minutes allow yourself the chance to look after yourself.
    SS
     
  3. ScouseJM

    ScouseJM Well-Known Member


    Thank you so much SweetSurrender.. I miss my boyfriend so much.. When we were still together and had problems, I prayed to God every day and I said to him that I would rather go through these problems forever than to have to be without my partner for one day. I thanked him for sending me my soulmate, for bringing us together and I told him I would sacrifice anything in my life if only he wouldnt take him away from me again. I am so angry at God and I dont understand why he took him away from me. We are still friends, me and my (ex-) boyfriend but it hurts, it hurts so much. And its like, I can physically FEEL myself going insane. I stay in all day and it drives me crazy, but when I go out I am afraid of the people around me and want to go back inside. I cant breathe. I love him so much. And it kills me to miss out on the children growin up.
     
  4. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    JM it as though you have had difficulties for quite a time, you are strong to have coped through it all as you have. Breaking up with someone is awful enough in itself but with someone you feel is your soulmate, gosh i can only imagine how much it hurts. I want to say that time is a healer but i don't think that is what you want or need to hear right now. You need time to grieve.
    You sound as though you really love him, it must have been something awful to have pushed you both into deciding that breaking up is the best for you both and the children. How long have you been together?
    I can understand you are angry - anger for me is one of the hardest emotions to deal with. Is there anyway that you can release that anger safely without self harming? I know how hard it is but maybe you can find something to throw really hard or pummel a pillow? Go on a really long run in the countryside until you are totally exhausted? Or write everything down, spill it all out, scream, yell as you are doing so?
    I know this might not be enough right now but prehaps because you are still friends he will allow you to see the children at times - you could be the fun one taking them on days out!
    Stay safe JM, keep posting.
     
  5. ScouseJM

    ScouseJM Well-Known Member

    we were together for quite some time, had lived together for a year.. yes he still lets the children call me and as at the moment without a real place to live i am stayin with people further away from home i still get to talk to the kids every now and then on webcam too.. i hope that wont change..

    yes I really love him.. I hope I dont sound like I am full of self pity here but I had already been through an awful lot before I met him, familly wise, friends wise, relationship wise.. so aloowing myself to trust someone again, get close to someone, was all a big step in itself.. and that this is now over..for me, I had settled down, finally felt like I belonged.. and I unfortunately didnt - and still dont - agree that the break up was the best solution. Not at all. But of course I cant force anyone into stayin with me. It hurts so much there are no words for it.
     
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