i don't want a future.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by sleepycloud, Jun 13, 2009.

  1. sleepycloud

    sleepycloud Member

    i always get embarrassed for ranting even though i'm anonymous. but i have a fucked up ego right now so here goes nothing.. this is probably the best place to find people who understand..

    i'm already so critical and ashamed of myself that that when someone else criticises me i feel overwhelmed and defensive. it's so easy for me to feel anger and hatred towards others, less so towards myself because i feel the pain that i inflict and it leads me into a hole of self-pity.

    i think i have social anxiety and people don't understand that it makes me resistant to having any faith in my future. i used to think i was here to make a positive difference in someone's life, heck i even wanted to be a counselor but now i'm a mess. i believe procrastination is an existential issue but of course no one takes that seriously when we have to drone on with our meaningless lives out of obligation and the absurdity of self-preservation. my grades are dropping because i don't want to care anymore. i feel like school is teaching me nothing besides you should be sensitive to people who are hurting. i hate being forced to learn something i'm not interested in and i hate how our consciousness must revolve around money, hard work and relationships. i wish i could just be schizoid, i wish i wasn't so paranoid about what other people think. i wish i could just drop out of school and get an easy job at the local corner shop. i don't want to feel like i have to keep fighting to feel equal with everyone socially, academically etc cause all you get is conditional love. no one is truly accepting anymore.

    i wish i wasn't such an emotional idealist. i have dreams but they're only real in my mind. other people have worse problems but i can't shake the self-pity, low self-confidence and yearning for someone to love and understand me. i probably don't deserve it though so i continue to be defeatist about my life and potential.. success is still a death trap.

    life causes me so much distress and anxiety yet i'm too afraid to kill myself. i feel like i'm trapped, pushing people away and trying to numb the fact that i'll be waiting for a very long time.
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I am exactly the same way. I agree with everything you've said in this post. My whole life has been filled with existential angst. I felt the same way in school but got by at least, not without lots of skipping school and such.

    And I DEFINITELY don't want a future. I hate thinking about it.
    Gotta find some way to ease that existential angst hun :hug:. Ever try meditating or any spiritual practice appeal to you? I know the book that I read often (A Course In Miracles) says that there IS no future. It's an illusion. But that's my shit. Everyone's gotta find there own way. But I can definitely identify with existential angst and dissatisfaction with the world :heart:
  3. NotSureAnymore

    NotSureAnymore Well-Known Member

    This post spoke to me in a hundred ways. I'm already my own worst enemy.. so when family or friends say things to me that are critical, it just makes me wanna scream out loud and hope like hell my ear drums pop or all the windows break. I'm just a big ball of emotional mess. I think I'm fucked up piece of work.

    I do have my dog that keeps me going. I wake up every morning to his smiling face and I know in my heart that he'll never criticize me. He will always love me for me.. and plus I'm his meal ticket lol. I look at my dad who's been through so much in his life such as racism, physical and mental abuse from my grandmother for years, his kidneys are functioning at 20 something percent, he's got bad knees (has had tons of surgeries), he's been on all sorts of diff meds.. yet he wakes up every day and takes his meds and comes to work with a smile on his face. So that keeps me going to. He says if both legs are working when you wake up the next day, than it's a great. day.

  4. sleepycloud

    sleepycloud Member

    i even procrastinated re-reading this thread but i shouldn't have been so avoidant. thanks for your kind replies, it means a lot :hug:
  5. sleepycloud

    sleepycloud Member

    buddhism makes a lot of sense to me, how the goal in life seems to be alleviating suffering but the ethics are hardcore lol, i feel too emotionally unstable to stay dedicated. karma is all about taking responsibility for your actions, something i've tried desperately to avoid because kids don't ask for that when they're born. i'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that in life we have to do things we don't want to do in order to get where we need to be.

    i believe in rebirth but i really don't want to. sometimes i wish i believed in christianity so i could look forward to heaven. there is no way i want to be reborn in this world again.. if you can't remember your past karma why should you have to pay for it now? if we create our own pain why can't we be more conscious and conscientious about implementing the solution?

    guess the one thing keeping me (mildly) sane is that we can't know for sure what happens after death. we can fool ourselves into believing whatever we like just to get by and look forward to something.. believing in rebirth just gives me hope that maybe i'll get another chance to be someone completely different, i guess you have to stay alive in order to heal yourself and help others. i'm glad two posters who replied here have. i wouldn't mind if death was the absolute end of us either. there are pros and cons to both but whichever one it is.. let's say it might be a good thing i don't know because it would leave me wondering why the cycle of life and death couldn't work according to all possibilities.. if we create reality while we're alive, i wish we could create metaphysical ones too (those who believe in heaven go to heaven, those who believe in rebirth get reborn etc and you could literally go wherever you wanted to go). eh i think it's safe to say the closest spiritual practice i engage in is existential idealism :p

    what kind of spirituality appeals to you?
    i have tried meditating but i only do it when i have a headache. it's not something i regularly feel like doing as it's not a natural reaction for me to want to ward of negative feelings when they arise. i'm compelled to brood over everything until i don't have any energy left to do it.. seems kind of masochistic but i guess plenty of people settle for familiar patterns because it's the only thing they feel they have. they want to nurture their own pain and compensate for how much of an anomaly it is to the outside world. maybe that's an unhealthy way of 'letting feelings naturally pass' but i'm not very good at shaking myself out of old patterns. i went for a walk the other day which was relaxing but not to clear my head, i have to already feel relaxed in order to want to meditate, it's weird. :p
  6. sleepycloud

    sleepycloud Member

    true that the beauty of pets is their non-judgmental nature
    this is cheesy lame but i have a miniature teddy who i've considered my soulmate ever since i was 5..i couldn't articulate it then but i adopted it with a very strong intuition that i identified with the sentiment it exuded, mostly because of its melancholy demeanor.

    what a super trooper your dad is (couldn't resist the badass ABBA allusion!). it's so easy for us to become self-absorbed, like the universe is going to crumble if we have a bad day but there are people out there who are going through worse shit yet still appreciate all they've got. i've always been the type to become easily disheartened after failure so it's important to be reminded that perseverance tackles adversity with dignity.
  7. Depressica

    Depressica Member

    OGOGOG, do I understand what you are feeling. I'm going on 40 this year and yet I've felt for the last 6-7 years like a teenager going through this terrible angst-y fit, probably because I have problems keeping jobs because I have a learning disablity and all the garbage that goes with it. By garbage, I mean anxiety which leads to major depression and I also have a social phobia. So yeah, welcome to the "We're Mentally and Emotionally Fucked Up Breakfast Club," honey. :console: At least the donuts are fresh. The coffee? Not so much. Damn. :rolleyes:
  8. sleepycloud

    sleepycloud Member

    yay donuts.. noose imagery =.= lol sorry, it actually is a pleasant coping mechanism when you can uh.. imagine simply eating the tight suffocating knots?

    :hugtackles: props for persevering in your tough situation. i don't know if i'll grow out of this angst either.. everyone tells me i'm young, there's still so much opportunity out there, that i can choose not to let myself downward spiral because i'll end up even more desperate than i am now. but if my anxiety is due to fear of failure and just general unmotivated laziness, which is resentful of ambition, i can easily convince myself that hitting rock bottom is the ultimate way to face my fear of being invaluable, we'll eventually get hungry and have no choice but to take the initiative with job hunting... i already feel defeated about fighting for a sense of personal significance and feel like fulfilling my potential is such a burden.

    it's difficult when you have social phobia since even the chatty kids who goofed off in school probably end up with good employment opportunities because they can network and appeal to societal demands. hard not to be bitter about it when i can't afford to slack off at school (drastic worse case scenario irrational fear) and its the one thing i want to abandon most.

    ~!@# it's a harsh world out there, especially when people aren't empathetic about your learning disability or when there aren't any job opportunities. i have a vision impairment, which causes some concentration headaches so my situation is slightly similar. are you a member of any organisations which help out with that- finding suitable employment opportunities etc?
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 31, 2009
  9. sleepycloud

    sleepycloud Member

    anyway this thread is becoming like a blog now so i guess i'll keep at it, great place to vent.

    i still want to drop out of school and do simple mindless tasks which require less training/effort but family says long term the physical strain from manual labour tasks will be harder to cope with. i'm not a very physically fit person and who's going to trust lower vision.. the closest physical job i could probably do is retail or waitressing but at this age most places aren't going to hire without experience unless it's mcdonalds or something. mum says if i just better managed my time, more frequently balanced out the escapist procrastination that i could get all my work done on time and not fall behind.. i'd feel guilty for throwing away their advice, because my parents had to deal with non compliant behaviour from my sister too.. they're still supporting her financially as an adult and i feel so bad for being close to mooching. my parents aren't going to be alive forever to support me. i perhaps shouldn't trust my own judgment in this unhealthy state of mind, but why does it feel like such a chore to accept the way things are? if i have physical limitations, i'm encouraged to pursue a career by disciplining my mind but how can when i let my emotions rule me and make life so much more difficult for myself? waiting for desperation to save/motivate me since i can't wait til retirement to take a break from the draining process of trying to keep up.. i thought you could also lose everything to gain everything but that's more something i romanticise rather than a risk i'm willing to take. it's not like i fear risk entirely but slipping/fading out into it doesn't feel like as much of an abrupt push into a deep end than the fork in the road i'm at now. will trying hard at school, going to college make me better? would strengthening relationships motivate me more to do that? cause right now, my main motivation is guilt.. how can i become hopeful and passionate about life again, embrace the opportunities openness brings rather than be afraid of all the things that could go wrong.. everyday our bodies fall more and more asleep, is it possible to perceive life to be as harmless as lucid dreaming?

    it's like a kind of addiction sometimes, addicted to certain brain states and dwelling too much in my head.. my friend has expressed worry and i don't want her to feel that way because she was close friends with someone else with depression who completely drained her.. i thought i was doing everyone a favour by keeping to myself but maybe i make things worse by refusing to ask for help. it's just embarrassing though. it's okay anonymous but vulnerability irl will be the complete death of my ego. in some ways it's what i really want, to be free from its restraints once and for all and just admit openly that i'm not coping.. but when the fuck will i be ready? craving familiarity? i mean, i withdraw into these negative perceptions every time i need security even though it prolongs the anxiety.. that really does not make sense but it's the fear of getting outside my comfort zone, of returning to that childhood mentality where i had so much to strive for and i thought setbacks were as simple as dusting yourself off and giving life another go. we're going to lose everything in the end so why try to gain so much? i guess the only way to overcome fear of disappointment is to face it, don't give up in spite of adversity.. it seems to take a lot of courage to do that despite disagreeing with the structure of society, attitudes of the majority/goddamn social darwinism. how can some people tolerate all these obligations so well.. okay well it's all a choice, but it doesn't feel like an easy decision because it's rooted in fear. and i don't believe a person's 'worth' should be based on whether they have the courage to do whatever. things which are unbearable to some will be easy for others, so in that sense we are all equal- at least as an ideal i'm willing to uphold. whenever i see someone who fell through the cracks and stayed there for the majority of their life, i'm still proud of them for surviving in spite of everything. thinking about this is a good way to prepare myself for the worst.. i don't need an elaborately materialistic lifestyle so if i end up with a low income i think it's very possible to still respect and value myself for my priorities (as unpopular as they may seem to most people.. it seems so freeing to be far away from the fleeting nature of success.. but maybe true success is feeling calm within the storm despite demanding surroundings, rather than being desperate for avoidance). i have a friend who may think this 'preparing yourself for the worst' attitude accumulates more negative attitudes therefore behaviour. while this may be somewhat true, negative energy is not an omnious external threat.. if you can stand it within you than i guess you can channel it into any perspective which works for you. the way i usually 'solve problems' is to redefine the situation rather than be proactive about manipulating the outcome hence being stuck in my emotional rut of 5684439854 other reasons NOT to do something despite acknowledging the practical, sensible ones. i guess i have to learn how to balance both approaches if i want to 'survive' LOL *facepalm* the energy expenditure! it still drains energy to brood but introversion keeps the broody focus sustainable.

    it's amazing to me how the dalai lama got to stage where he could say 'i do not judge the universe.' i'm really intrigued by the michael teachings and being in the mature soul stage really explains the psychological difficulties well. i'm not too sure about the goals although this seems to describe my current situation atm: goal of reevaluation.

    i'd love to be more detached, calm and rational like my mother who is an old soul.. i worry too much about possible consequences of everything tripping me up when we're all just actors in some dreamlike stage play. it'll be over before we know it so all this 'torturous effort' is all a part of the ride, going with the flow... i wish i was just born with a carefree temperament but i suppose it has to be a conscious choice.

    well it's late.. will re-check how much more ridiculous this all sounds in the morning.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 31, 2009
  10. Jasin

    Jasin Member

    "i wish i wasn't such an emotional idealist. i have dreams but they're only real in my mind. other people have worse problems but i can't shake the self-pity, low self-confidence and yearning for someone to love and understand me. i probably don't deserve it though so i continue to be defeatist about my life and potential.. success is still a death trap."

    Dude, I could have wrote that. If it makes you feel any better, there really are others that have the same problems that you talk about.
  11. sleepycloud

    sleepycloud Member

    yeah, it's important to remember i'm not the only one, but it's sad how we all have to go through it seemingly alone. no one else can walk that path for us. guess that could be liberating as much as it is terrifying. some are too shy or ashamed to reach out for help even though it is no weakness to feel overwhelmed by life sometimes. it frustrates me how we have a capacity to relate to and understand others but it's so easy to feel alienated and disconnected from others.