i always get embarrassed for ranting even though i'm anonymous. but i have a fucked up ego right now so here goes nothing.. this is probably the best place to find people who understand.. i'm already so critical and ashamed of myself that that when someone else criticises me i feel overwhelmed and defensive. it's so easy for me to feel anger and hatred towards others, less so towards myself because i feel the pain that i inflict and it leads me into a hole of self-pity. i think i have social anxiety and people don't understand that it makes me resistant to having any faith in my future. i used to think i was here to make a positive difference in someone's life, heck i even wanted to be a counselor but now i'm a mess. i believe procrastination is an existential issue but of course no one takes that seriously when we have to drone on with our meaningless lives out of obligation and the absurdity of self-preservation. my grades are dropping because i don't want to care anymore. i feel like school is teaching me nothing besides you should be sensitive to people who are hurting. i hate being forced to learn something i'm not interested in and i hate how our consciousness must revolve around money, hard work and relationships. i wish i could just be schizoid, i wish i wasn't so paranoid about what other people think. i wish i could just drop out of school and get an easy job at the local corner shop. i don't want to feel like i have to keep fighting to feel equal with everyone socially, academically etc cause all you get is conditional love. no one is truly accepting anymore. i wish i wasn't such an emotional idealist. i have dreams but they're only real in my mind. other people have worse problems but i can't shake the self-pity, low self-confidence and yearning for someone to love and understand me. i probably don't deserve it though so i continue to be defeatist about my life and potential.. success is still a death trap. life causes me so much distress and anxiety yet i'm too afraid to kill myself. i feel like i'm trapped, pushing people away and trying to numb the fact that i'll be waiting for a very long time.