I don't want death per se, I just want life to end.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Homohominilupus, Oct 27, 2012.

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  1. Hello,

    I'm a 20 years old french man who has been contemplating suicide for quite some time now.
    I already know how I'd kill myself, and have all the tools gathered. Since it will be a silent and painless death, the act in itself doesn't scare me.

    I guess this post isn't a scream for help, but rather a goodbye letter. I wanted to talk to people I did not know before assembling the courage to put an end to my life.

    I have simply lost faith in life in general, for various reasons. It's already so dark and painfull that the void that death represents attracts me more and more everyday that passes by.
    Everyone around me seem happy, and I feel lonely. It's hard to say for a man of my age, but I usually cry when I think of all the awful things that await me ahead, my future seem already so unhappy to me.

    So, would somebody care to have a little talk with me before I leave this world ?
  2. jellyrush

    jellyrush Member

    Re: I don't want death per say, I just want life to end.

    What do you wish to talk about? I too am due to go in a couple of days- I just hope I get it right this time.
  3. Re: I don't want death per say, I just want life to end.

    I don't really know, I'd love to talk about the way you plan to die but I think it's forbidden here isn't it ?
  4. jellyrush

    jellyrush Member

    Re: I don't want death per say, I just want life to end.

    Unfortunately it is. It's kind of hard not to think of anything else while i'm in this frame of mind. Have you attempted suicide before?
  5. Re: I don't want death per say, I just want life to end.

    No, it will be my first and only time. I can't screw up using what I will use.
    What about you ?
  6. jellyrush

    jellyrush Member

    Re: I don't want death per say, I just want life to end.

    I've had 9 suicide attempts- all of them have been different. Failing at suicide just makes me more determined to finish myself off.
  7. Re: I don't want death per say, I just want life to end.

    I understand what you mean...
    What are the reasons why you decided to kill yourself in the first time ? If it's not too indiscreet...
  8. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Re: I don't want death per say, I just want life to end.

    Bonjour ma chérie, je suis ici pour avoir un petit mot avec vous, et pour vous dire que votre avenir ne sera pas plus de votre passé, une fois que vous avez une compréhension plus profonde que vous n'avez pas dans votre passé. L'avenir est une invitation à vous, une occasion pour découvrir ces idées. Je serai là pour vous, si vous décidez de le faire. Si vous faites prendre l'autre choix, vous n'avez aucune garantie que cela signifie la fin de tout à votre satisfaction, il peut très bien ne pas l'être. Je comprends ce que c'est que d'être dans votre position, et j'ai pris le choix négatifs aussi bien que ma seule option. Je suis tellement reconnaissante d'être encore ici aujourd'hui, ayant découvert ce qui me manquait - il ya vraiment une alternative positive pour vous aussi, donc s'il vous plaît ne soyez pas destructif sur vous-même, il ya une nouvelle vie pour vous :)

    <mod edit - NyJmpMaster - language - english translation>
    Hello darling, I'm here to have a word with you, and tell you that your future will not be more than your past, once you have a deeper understanding that you do not have in your past. The future is an invitation to you an opportunity to explore these ideas. I'll be there for you if you decide to do. If you make the choice, you have no guarantee that this means the end of everything to your satisfaction, it may very well not be. I understand what it's like to be in your position, and I took the negative choices as well as my only option. I am so grateful to still be here today, having discovered what was missing - there really is a positive alternative for you, so please do not be destructive to yourself, there's a new life to you
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 28, 2012
  9. jellyrush

    jellyrush Member

    Re: I don't want death per say, I just want life to end.

    Things were getting too much for me. My dad is a hoarder and I was the one who had to clean up after him. He would drink most of the time and has an irritable personality. The week before I attempted suicide I made a pact with myself that if he got on my nerves 10 times, I would either kill him or myself. I chose myself.
  10. TheRunaway

    TheRunaway Active Member

    Re: I don't want death per say, I just want life to end.

    I'm not trying to sound cliche, but have you tried to get professional help such as a counselor, therapist, etc.? Maybe if you stick around here, being a new member and all, you'll find solace in talking to people that can relate to you. You can always alter your future and what lies ahead. As for the people around you; I completely understand how upsetting it can be to feel like you're the only one in the world that is down and everyone around you doesn't seem to notice, or are leading wondeful lives, but you aren't alone. I always remind myself if life gets unbearable, I can always go through with my plans, but what's the rush? I've lived for years unhappy, and amazing things can happen to anyone. Your whole world could change tomorrow and then you'd laugh at the thought of taking yourself out of the world.
    Ultimately, what I'm saying is things may seem bleak at the moment, but things aren't always what they seem. And if you were this strong to make it this far, I've no doubt you can keep going.

    Conversation....hmmmm..do you have any hobbies of sorts? What makes you happy? If you need anything, anything at all, feel free to talk to me. :hug:
  11. midnightstar

    midnightstar Senior Member

    Re: I don't want death per say, I just want life to end.

    Please stick around and let us help you, get professional help as well, we will all listen to you though and my PM box is always open if you need to chat :hug:
  12. Re: I don't want death per say, I just want life to end.

    Thanks for all your messages...

    I guess yeah, I'd really like to hang here for a little more. It's the first place I stumble upon where I see people like me, people who have problems they have trouble dealing with and considered or considering leave everything behind and take the "last jump"...

    To reply to your question TheRunaway, I really like video games, I mean, it is my true passion. And believe me, it's not World of Warcraft or Call of Duty that interests me, my favourite games aren't known by non-gamers.
    Apart from that, I started muay thaï this month, but I've lived the past few months as if I'm gonna die soon and I try to enjoy it as much as I can.

    I guess this conversation is also part of this mindset. I know for sure that I will end me soon.
  13. jellyrush

    jellyrush Member

    Re: I don't want death per say, I just want life to end.

    Hey! Same here :D I too never really got into world of warcraft or call of duty. Instead, I play alot of games on emulators. I use MAME (I was just playing Street Fighter 3 Third Strike before I read this message), Zsnes, Project 64 and a couple of others.

    Out of interest, have you played Earthbound? It's a great little game if you're interested in RPG's :)
  14. hopelesss

    hopelesss New Member

    Your post makes me so sad because I feel your pain and I know how miserable this life is. It's hard to grasp the concept that you will read this and then soon after take your life. Even though I have no idea who you are I just want you to know that reading this really affected me and I'm crying as I write this thinking about you, an anonymous person, ending your life. I'm not sure of the details behind your suicidal thoughts but even though I don't know you I want you to know that I care about you and wish I only could have known you to help you in some small way. I wish there was something I could say to make you stay but I know that nothing people say changes anything. For me it makes me feel worse when other people try to change my mind so I really hope that my post doesn't do that for you. I know that someday I will most likely take my own life so in that aspect I truly do understand. I will say a prayer for you tonight in hopes that something will happen for you to change your mind. <3
  15. lilodian4ever

    lilodian4ever Account Closed


    This world is a cruel and hostile place, filled with selfish, cold, and heartless people. The nicer you are to the world, the harsher it is to you, in return. The assholes are so popular - their phones keep ringing 24/7, and they are surrounded by people. People are drawn to assholes, while the nice guys sit at home, alone, on Friday nights, eating junk and watching TV.

    <mod edit - NyJmpMaster - inappropriate>

    Other than that, be excited, man ! FUCKING GO WILD AND DO SOMETHING COOL ... I dunno, maybe take a trip somewhere you've always wanted to go. Go sit on a beach, listen to your favorite music, taste some wine, watch some beautiful women ! For me, that last nice thing would be going to Alaska to view the Northern lights.

    I can't tell you how excited I am about catching my spaceship :)
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 29, 2012
  16. Re: I don't want death per say, I just want life to end.

    I know it by name. I will look into it for sure before I go my friend, thanks.

    My favourite game so far is Journey, do you know it ? It's on PS3
  17. I felt your sadness here my friend, and your empathy for what I live right now.
    Thanks a lot for this message, tears weren't very far when I read it as well... Did you create your account upon seeing me messages and wanting to reply to them ?
    If that's the case, thanks again, I feel blessed to have touched somebody that doesn't even know me.

    I get what you say when you feel sadness for people you don't even know. Reading through this forum has been tough for me, I feel so much empathy for all the darkness there is in people's hearts...
    You're putting a smile on my face when I thought it wouldn't be possible again. When I will leave all of you, I'll make sure to think about everything we talked and will talk about here.
    Everyone of your little messages, every second you sat and had the generosity to talk to me.

    Thanks a lot.

    Are you considering getting out of this world too ?
  18. bearclaw27

    bearclaw27 Member

    I have read your posts, and it has brought tears to my eyes also... For that, I thank you...Yes, I thank you because I love to cry whenever I can...I wish I could cry more often...Crying seems to soften my heart and help it open up more...Look into your own self, and maybe you will find a similar revelation..

    I know that you felt close to taking your own life when you started this post, and you are probably still having those thoughts..But, maybe after sharing your feelings, and feeling some of the empathy from others, those thought have decreased just a little bit...

    You mentioned your future, and how you keep thinking about many more years in your current situation..Letting your mind wander into the future is definitly not helping you.. WE MUST STAY IN THE PRESENT MONET... I urge you to keep your mind in the present as much as possible..There is a great book called "The Power of Now", which will help you to stay in the current moment, and learn to love what is..If you decide to buy obtain this book PLEASE don't skip the forward or the introduction...Those parts describe how the author was ready to take his own life, and the remarkable realization that he came upon which helped him transform his own life and become a succesful writer who is now helping others turn their lives around..Maybe something like that lies in your future..?

    You may have noticed that I said "WE" must stay present...I use the word 'we' because I too suffer from suicidal thought almost every day.. Reading your posts have have reminded me of the things I must do to help myself cope with my own situation..FOR THAT, I THANK YOU GREATLY...!!

    Lastly, I encourage you to keep playing that game, and finding others things which help bring you some happiness in your days...Keep you nose to the grindstone because I am in total belief that those like you and I are gifted with the toosl to help ourselves recover..

    Sending Peace to you,

  19. Vict

    Vict New Member

    Please don't take your life as it is more than you have experienced yet and it will also harm all related to you

    Suffer is an aspect but not all as life have beauty, pleasures, emotions, knowledge, surprises, persons and joy awaiting you.

    Give yourself more time and grow strengths to navigate your storms
    Just walk trough your personal hell and keep going forward, better days are coming for you if you just stand these hard times

    See, just asking for help, as done posting your suicidal intentions, brings you some real love and compassion from strangers

    Being peacefully alive is better than suicide

    Think about it and find your path to a conscious living, take all the time you need to discover yourself

    Best wishes

  20. Ally54

    Ally54 Member

    Re: I don't want death per say, I just want life to end.

    What an uplifting conversation. It is not a mystery as to how to commit suicide. I am near that point. It is not dramatic, or is it entertaining.
    It is a simple decision. There are as many reasons as there are human feelings and circumstance. The only real question a this: (1) are you reaching out for help or (2) do you simply want it over. I've stuggled with this for nearly 40 years. It is at the end. That is my decision and mine alone.

    All the fluff is merely fluff. Nobody can understand an individual's unique demons. I personak that suicide is an individual decision that ia far removed from well meaning platitudes that mean nothing. The internal demons struggle with my reponsilty to others professionally v. what damage may come of my checking out. I do take seriously my responsibilities to others as to whether they can transition without harm.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 29, 2012
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