I dont want this anymore

So I just joined here because I am at my wits end,i'm tired and i dont think i have the energy to continue on anymore. I live such a sad life. And have had a very rough upbringing thinking things will get better for me. Well, at 33 I am still waiting for things to get better.

I'm married with two kids and everyday I just wish i made better decisions . I wake up dreading to even be around my children and isolate myself . The relationship between me and my husband is more on the rocks than it has ever been. Everything i do or say is taken literally and used against me. I'm the bad guy. All I have been doing for the last four days has been crying even though i have told him that im on the fucking edge and i need a break pleading to him for some sort of support and help , he continues to not give a shit. I'm doing the best i can and it never seems good enough.

in one month I have started two jobs back to back with the hopes of being able to get my shit together, these jobs weren't working out because of hours. Of course automatically my husband blames me sending me into this down ward spiraling vortex of wanting to just end my life. I haven't been happy in so long, i cant even remember when the last time i even laughed...genuinely laughed. My house is a mess, there is constant bickering in the family , between the kids and my husband and i get pulled into it unwillingly. I'm back looking for work..something that will make me happy even though i am fucking miserable and thinking that it might be best just to kill myself just to prove a point that someone should have been listening to my pleas or seeing the signs of me wanting to just end myself.

If this is the way life really is? whats the fucking point? I mean really..:blue:

 

No life isn't always that way. I can relate to how you feel albeit with completely different personal circumstances. Can you remember when you were last genuinely happy and felt good inside?? I can't.....for me it must be over 5+ years I think....

 

it's been a very long time since i felt any sort of life or happiness. i'm thinking at least a decade.im trying really hard to find reasons to stay but as each day passes my reasons are becoming very limited.

 

i'm very sorry to read about your situation. It sounds like you aren't getting the support - emotionally, physically - that everyone deserves. Have you tried talking to your doctor about your feelings of depression? Sometimes all a person needs is a little jumpstart from one of the many medications that are available for depression and/or stress. i hope you find support and new friends here. There are many here who can offer their own experiences and how they deal, and this might encourage you to look for new avenues. Or just vent, shout and rage - i think most of us are good listeners, too PM me if you want talk (i'm quite new here, too)