Spoiler: Talk of sexual abuse, ritual abuse, and self harm
You didn't write anything to offend me in anyway, Sacred Heart. I just wanted to clarify things. I don't want people to think I'm a bad person for thinking my mother is a burden.
The other things are CPTSD, DID, and depression. I'm going through daily reliving experiences of ritual abuse/sexual abuse along with switching/time loss. There is also self harm going on. Everything is so draining. I'm so exhausted and sick. In addition, I have to constantly hide and hope no one finds out so that I don't lose my job. I lost a friend about 6 weeks ago. I told her I was DID and suicidal. She told me she was too busy for me. I haven't heard from her since. This is someone I knew for over 10 years. She has OCD. I've been there for her. She couldn't be there for me. It's too much to tell. I just started seeing my T in late May. It took me a long time to find him, a therapist skilled in treating DID and ritual abuse survivors. I've had a lot of abuse from other mental health professionals along the way. Then I stopped asking for help and just tried living with all the problems. But I couldn't. So, I've been in treatment a little more than two months. None of this is my T's fault. He's great. It's just that he can't undo 17 years of suffering in a few months. I've been alone with this too long. I'm just tired. I can't tolerate it anymore. He tells us we will heal. But, I can't handle the suffering anymore. I can't handle being so removed from this world. It's too much. I'm just weak, I guess. I don't know what else to say, really. I'm sorry for sounding like a broken record. As I said before, I'm just stupid and can't do life. I never should have been born. I'm so ashamed of myself. I'm ashamed for my mother that she has a daughter like me. I feel myself shutting down from the inside out, now. I can't even eat. I think we're doing about 600 calories/day. T says that starvation is a kind of self harm which has to do with the ritual abuse. I just want to scream and pull my hair out. Working very hard at fighting the urges. Hospital is last resort.
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