I don't want this anymore.

Spoiler: Talk about suicide and suicide plan​

I don't want to do this anymore. The struggles are too much and I'm too messed up. Things will never get better for me. If it weren't for the fact that my mother needs my help right now, I'd give in to the urges tonight. All my pain would go away tonight. But, I love her. I don't want to hurt her. And, she needs me. The pain just doesn't go away. How long can I live for someone else? Things are so bad...it's all I think about now. Sorry for writing this. I've tried to be as general as possible so that I don't trigger someone. I just need to get this out. I don't want to be here anymore. Life is just too hard all the time. This is my 2nd post today. I'm sorry for whining...

jlc20m et al:sad:

 

Hey hun :hug:

I really think if you got someone to help with your mom you would have a lot of stress lifted from you. I know its hard but you gotta try. I wish i could help more. just know that I am always here for you no matter what. xx

 

Dear Sacred Heart,

Thank you for writing me again. Thank you for trying to help me. But I'm beyond help. It's not just my mom that's the problem. I don't want you to think she's a burden to me, because she isn't a burden. I love her. It's just that worrying about her adds a lot of extra stress on top of existing stress. There is no help for me where she's concerned. I need to pay for my therapy and other expenses. So, I can't hire anyone. There is no other family to help, either. If it weren't for the other stuff, I could handle my mom so much better. It's my mom that's keeping me here. But for how long? I can't stand being "me" anymore. My life is nothing but struggle and pain. Things aren't getting better. I'm so incompetent and stupid. I just don't know how to be in this world. I have no friends. No one cares about me except for what I can do for them. I'm just tired. I'm coping with a lot. I don't want to cope anymore. It's no way to live. Sorry for saying this. I came very close to ending my life three years ago. I found Suicide Forum at that time. In hindsight, I should have ended my life then. I just postponed the inevitable. I'm so ashamed of myself through and through. I just don't belong here anymore. I never did.

jlc20m et al:sigh:

 

What else is going on hun? I'm sorry it came across as me saying I thought she was a burden on you. I just thought that if you had some help there it wouldn't be so much. I was wrong tho and I'm sorry. :hug: It's a very noble thing, taking care of your mom like you do.

Killing yourself is not the inevitable. Have you talked to your therapist about how suicidal you are feeling? Maybe she could help. I'm not sure if you mentioned her in your other thread. I'll have to look.

 

Oh you did. She wants to put you in the hospital but you can't because of your mom and other responsibilities?

What would happen to your mom if you went into a hospital for a little while? You don't have to answer if it's too intrusive of a question, just curious.

 

Spoiler: Talk of sexual abuse, ritual abuse, and self harm
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You didn't write anything to offend me in anyway, Sacred Heart. I just wanted to clarify things. I don't want people to think I'm a bad person for thinking my mother is a burden.

The other things are CPTSD, DID, and depression. I'm going through daily reliving experiences of ritual abuse/sexual abuse along with switching/time loss. There is also self harm going on. Everything is so draining. I'm so exhausted and sick. In addition, I have to constantly hide and hope no one finds out so that I don't lose my job. I lost a friend about 6 weeks ago. I told her I was DID and suicidal. She told me she was too busy for me. I haven't heard from her since. This is someone I knew for over 10 years. She has OCD. I've been there for her. She couldn't be there for me. It's too much to tell. I just started seeing my T in late May. It took me a long time to find him, a therapist skilled in treating DID and ritual abuse survivors. I've had a lot of abuse from other mental health professionals along the way. Then I stopped asking for help and just tried living with all the problems. But I couldn't. So, I've been in treatment a little more than two months. None of this is my T's fault. He's great. It's just that he can't undo 17 years of suffering in a few months. I've been alone with this too long. I'm just tired. I can't tolerate it anymore. He tells us we will heal. But, I can't handle the suffering anymore. I can't handle being so removed from this world. It's too much. I'm just weak, I guess. I don't know what else to say, really. I'm sorry for sounding like a broken record. As I said before, I'm just stupid and can't do life. I never should have been born. I'm so ashamed of myself. I'm ashamed for my mother that she has a daughter like me. I feel myself shutting down from the inside out, now. I can't even eat. I think we're doing about 600 calories/day. T says that starvation is a kind of self harm which has to do with the ritual abuse. I just want to scream and pull my hair out. Working very hard at fighting the urges. Hospital is last resort.

jlc20m et al

 

Hey hun, sorry it took me so long to respond. :hug:

That friend that you lost wasn't really a friend. There is no way they could have been if they said that to you after you have been there for them through their stuff. I think you are better off without her, but i know it still hurts.

You're T is right, you will heal. It will take a lot of work but you will get there. I know you can do it And he's right starvation is a type of self-harm. 600 calories just isn't enough. You need more than that. Can you try to eat a little more today?

Thinking of you :heart:

 

Hi Sacred Heart,

Thank you for all your kindness!!! I feel just a little better today, although the eating situation hasn't improved. I'll be talking to T about this soon. I see him twice this week (Wednesday and Friday) because of being unwell.

Thank you for thinking of me. I hope you're ok????

jlc20m et al:grouphug:inkrose:

 

:hug: I hope he can help you with the eating situation! You definitely need to be eating more. And yay for doing better today!!

 

:IrishDoll:inkrose::grouphug:!!!

jlc20m et al

P.S. I love your signature:mhmm:...