i dont want this life anymore. someone else can have it.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by nonsum, May 23, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. nonsum

    nonsum Member

    i dont kknow what to do with myself anymore. everything has imploded.

    my biological family has decided that i am socially unacceptable and too much of a bother to continue associating with. they dont want a fucked up lesbain daughter. for the past ten days i have been living with my them for the sole reason of needing to have surgery in the not too distant future. when i leave here, i loose all financial support from my mother and stepfather as well as my biological father. and my health insurance. my parents currently refuse to pay for my medication [lamictal, lexapro, concerta, ritalin] because they feel that it s unnecessary. i've got bipolar, add, a severe panic disorder and severe social anxiety and those meds have been the best thing that have happened to me and have probibly saved my life. my real family is more than 2500 miles away and im stuck here. i have a job in colorado waiting for me and a place to live with my bestfriend and her family. but due to haivng been sick the entirty of spring semester, i've managed to fail out of university. i cant sleep here and i know that lack of sleep exacerbates my various crazies. every time i fall asleep i have horrible nihtmares and wake up shaking in a cold sweat.

    i guess the sequence of events was failing out/fucking up => being informed that i was unacceptable and thus no longer wanted =>leaving my family => dealing with my parents => being informed that i need surgery => being informed that my plan for school and figuring things out was not viable => being informed that i would lose my health insurance when i leave => going off my meds => having absolutely no idea what to do with this whole situation. i just sit and cry and listen to music that my friends and i would listen to in a futile attempt to make myself feel better.

    to anyone who reads this, please excuse my spelling.
  2. Tara

    Tara Guest

    i really dont know what to say :( just know im thinking of you. :hug:
  3. Cybrsk8r

    Cybrsk8r Well-Known Member

    I won't say I know what you're going thru, cause everyone gets depressed a little bit different. But I do know that no one here is going to judge you. There are kind people here, and we're here for you to talk to anytime. :hug:
  4. Pneuma

    Pneuma Guest

    Sweet angry jesus, that's a lot to deal with in a short period of time. Even if those events were spread out it would still be hard to cope with everything that's happened to you.

    I can't stress how much a good support network will help you through your problems. It sounds cheesey but it's true. As the old saying goes you can pick your friends but you can't pick family. Did you just come out to them? Wait a week or so and try talking to them, they might just be in shock.
  5. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    hi there and :welcome: to the forum here. i see that you are from Boulder well i am from Lafayette. we are neighbors. when you are comfortable if u wish maybe we could go out for coffee or lunch or something sometime.

    i am sorry to hear that so much has gone to shit for but please believe me things can get better. i could also help you get set up with boulder county mental health which is right there in boulder as well and we can see what we can do about getting you squared away with your meds. i would have to say boulder county has been an incredibly helpful place to be. i'm sure we could figure something out.

    in the meantime please take care and i will hope to talk to you soon.
  6. nonsum

    nonsum Member

    thank you all for the kind words and warm thoughts. I dont know what to say about my whole situation other than i'm trying to keep a positive outlook and hang onto the hope that things will get better at some point.

    insignificant: thank you. when i get back to boulder [or that general vicinity] i'll definitely get in touch with you about bouder county mental health. that sounds like a great resource.
  7. nonsum

    nonsum Member

    as opposed to starting a new thread, i figure i'll just write this here.

    things have just continued to get worse. friday night, after he threatened me, my step brother came at me with a hot frying pan. there are now second degree burns on my hands. and filing charges is not an option, as much as i would like to see that little fucker in jail as well as my parents for gross negligence and accessory to domestic violence. my stepfather was in the room watching when this all happened. they sent to police away when they showed up because i called them. i dont understand why things continue to get worse. i'm trying to hold onto the false hope that tomorrow [or later or someday] will be better. but it never is. i dont know how long i can keep trying because things dont change. they dont get better. i leave the east coast in eight days and that is all that is keeping me going. because i am still clinging to the hope that changing my environment and getting my support system back will change things. not everything but enough to make a difference. my family in colorado kept me alive this past year and helped me get help and on meds. i know they cant change my school situation but having people to catch you when you fall is nice. i dont know it this post has any real point other than a ramble about all the shit thats been going on. i sat down tonight and seriously contemplated giving up. saying fuck this life, i dont want it. the universe can have it back. but i know that i wont. it just seems like not being here would lift burden from everyone i know. because apparently [as stated by my mother], i impose on people habitually. whether its a phone call while sobbing or accepting an offer to live with my best friend and her family for the summer. i dont want to bother people. maybe thats al i am. a nuisance, a pain, a bother. or maybe just to her. i'm physically and emotionally exhausted. my body is exhausted from a perpetual lack of sleep and i am completely emotionally exhausted in general. three weeks without physical contact or friends or anything going well while being off meds. the fucking roller coaster that is my emotional state is killing me. i dont know how to fix it. any of it. i dont know what i've done to warrant this sort of karma. i keep hoping that the universe is confused and things will just flip. i try to believe that you get what you give but its hard to keep giving when you get nothing.

    my hands are going to scar and probably keloid. i've been si free since january 15th. no scars other than the ones from learning to long-board and from exploring. those are scars with good memories and energy. ones i can laugh about. i thought i was done with scars that had bad vibes and bad stories.
    i dont know if i can do this anymore. this whole life thing. i want to, i really do. i just dont know how to anymore.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.