I don't want to be here anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lone sailor, Jul 14, 2013.

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  1. lone sailor

    lone sailor New Member

    I came to this site because I don't know where else to turn to. I'm really sad about everything that's going on in my life. I try to tell myself that things will get better, but they don't get better. I'm always alone in my apartment. I wish I can come in here and have someone greet me so I can snap out of my mind. But there's no one. This has been going on for a year and a half. I just live in my own world. I can't relate to anybody. I REALLY NEED HELP. MAYBE SOMEONE CAN FINALLY KNOCK SOME SENSE INTO ME. A lot of $#!T has been going on with me, but the one thing that's been the most painful is my relationship with a "friend" of mine. The thing is our friendship was very strange and complicated. It was hard to talk to each other. Like, we would disclose very personal things to each other, but there was no emotional connection. We eventually developed feelings for each other, but I left her since she was married (oh yeah, I'm also female). I thought a lot about her during my deployment (I was in the Navy). I eventually lost touch with her for 7 months and figured she has a life of her own and I have my own life. I met her again a couple months after my deployment ended. This is where the real HELL begins or continues...I met with her and found out that she separated from her husband. She was depressed and I was depressed to see her that way. I've tried giving her hints at the end of my visit to kiss her. She ended up pushing me away, saying she "didn't care if I stayed or not" in an irritable way. By then I was about to say "Bye" to her for good, but she followed me as I left to my car and said "Keep in touch". I WISH to this day, I had ignored those words. But back then I thought, well MAYBE she does care about me. Some time had passed and I tried writing to her on Facebook. Thing is she'd hardly reply back unless I told her I was sorry for hurting her in some way, and she'd respond that I didn't hurt her and that she's just absent minded. Some time had passed, and in Oct 2012 I told her flat out how I felt about her through a text message. She said she didn't have the same feelings for me. That crushed me. In my dismay, I called a clairvoyant to ask if this was true. He repeated specific thoughts of mine so I believed him when he said, she does have feelings for you of the romantic type, but she's pushing you away due to baggage and family matters. Another one that also repeated specific thoughts of mine, said that she was freaked out although she did have feelings for me. From there, I really got my hopes up to actually get her to be my girlfriend. Not a day had gone by without me thinking about her. This happened for a year. I've tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, and tried to get through to her during the year. BUT she never seemed interested in me or showed only little interest. It wasn't like I always contacted her. I did it about once or twice a month. Not only that but I had starved myself for weeks to lose weight 4 times in a year. I felt for some reason she wasn't attracted to me since I was kind of chubby compared to her. Due to starving myself, my performance at work and college had plummeted since I had very little energy. And I was MISERABLE. The past 2 months I've tried inviting her out, but she never came through. About a week ago, I went to her house without texting her or anything. I just said I happened to be in the area. I did it so I can actually see how she'd respond to me face to face. She said she was waiting for her husband (they were separated) to arrive that night. She said she only wanted to be friends with him. We talked about some other things, and I left her house without making a move on her since I still wasn't sure how she felt about me. We went to the aquarium a few days later with her husband. I've tried to make a conversation with her, but she was too interested in her husband. I thought, these two certainly don't look like "just friends" since they were cuddling. Well, it was really painful what I was seeing. I just quietly drifted away from them on my own until they caught up with me. When we got out of the aquarium, she said "Bye" to me like she really didn't care about seeing me again. That's what hurt me most of all.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    As difficult as it is, it seems she is back with her husband...from what you have written, you sound that you are doing many things for yourself...please find someone who will know your value and with whom you will get in return the caring you have...it took me years to learn that lesson about one of my ex's but eventually, I did, and found someone for whom I was very important...please continue to post here and know that as a community we take very seriously the understanding that no one here is alone...with caring

    PS thank you for your service to our country
  3. augustleo

    augustleo Active Member

    Hello. Hope you don't mind a few words.

    In life people will meet anywhere from a few to many many others as the years pass. Sometimes when people become attached to others they may like allot the rise of complications are common and normal. Unfortunately it's also normal for it to be more difficult to get together with someone currently in a relationship.

    Regardless of what I'm trying to say there is a definite fact:

    The world is filled with billions of people and there are at least always 1,000's of others you can connect with and have a great time with. Some people spend their entire lives stressing over others they may be in love with but the words moving on is sometimes the only available option.

    After spending allot of time in life watching people in other relationships I've witnessed that one of the best ways to find personal happiness with someone special is to just continue to meet new people until you eventually meet someone that makes you happy.

    Meeting new people and making new friends can sometimes greatly end any feelings of loneliness one may have.....("I think").

    Good luck and sorry if intruding.
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. First, welcome to sf. I think its a very caring and good community. I hope you will continue to post here. Second, I am sorry that this has happened to you. for whatever reason, she rejects your love. Even if the reason has nothing to do with you, it still is so very painful.

    I do not know how you might feel about doing this but I do have one suggestion that might possibly help. Its odd. But then again, I am odd :D You said you contacted a clairvoyant who said that the woman did have feelings for you. And explained what was in the way. Do you think it might help you if you contacted the clairvoyant again to as her how you can move on? She might be able to discern why you each have come together, what your history together is. And how you can move on. How you can heal the pain. Even asking what you have to look forward to. The answer to this can often help a lot.

    Well, I told you it was an odd suggestion. But I am hoping it is one that could help. Because I do know that sometimes or even often, clairvoyants also do counselling. People usually go to them for direction when they are in pain. Please excuse me if my answer is way too wacky.

    please keep posting. I do hope you can find a healthy love. Someone who is not conflicted. Someone who is emotionally available.
  5. lone sailor

    lone sailor New Member

    Thank you for opening my eyes. I'll find somebody for whom I'll matter to and be important.
  6. lone sailor

    lone sailor New Member

    Thank you for listening to me flowers. I've been using clairvoyants on many people. All I know is I'm not going to be using them anymore. If I don't see what I need to see in front of me, then that's when I need to take steps to move on, instead of playing mind games since that's how it works out most of the time. Thank you for your compassion and advice. You have no idea what a difference those words help me direct my life.
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