I consider myself a depressed person. I haven't felt that overwhelming heavy feeling that makes you worried it might never go away in a while. But I sit in my room sometimes, and try to take myself to that place sometimes. I hate living so much sometimes. Life can never just be simple and enjoyable to me. There are all kinds of sayings and quotes about how life will typically give you a lot of trouble and rarely will you find a truly great moment. I don't see the point. I never feel good, unless I'm drunk or high. I can't talk to people. I'm terrified of going out into the world. My parents are getting sick of me and are trying to shove me, force me to go out and get a job and be more of an adult. I want to give up all of the time. The only things that keep me grounded lately are looking forward to drinking or getting more pills, thinking I could keep having parties and maybe talk to Carrie finally, having friends around that tell me how great I am. But I am fast approaching the end of all of those hopes and desires. I can't handle a job, I need something without a lot of people around and the only jobs available are grocery stores and busboy/waiter openings. I'm too soft of a person, I'm not meant to live the life that is expected of me. Everything I thought I had going for me is slowly disappearing, and all I can do it sit and watch, and dream of a day when I wont feel so utterly helpless against myself. I had high hopes for finally finding a girlfriend, someone I can share myself with and a source of motivation to do what I wont do for myself. Now I know I'll never talk to her again. I started making friends recently, but it's all coming to and end now. They gave me a lot of confidence that I needed to push myself to do what is necessary, but it's over now. All I want is a quiet life, a simple job, a girlfriend, and my best friend Max to hang out with. But now all I feel, all I can see for myself is a fast approaching end or a make or break moment in which I decide I have something worth the fight. All I want is 50 dollars, I'd buy more pills, a bottle of vodka, and I'd drink until I passed out hopefully to never wake up. The two ideas I have in my head right now are, wait until my parents go to bed, take the car, get on the express way and drive until I'm out of gas, then start walking, get as far away as possible and hope that something is better for me somewhere else.I feel so much like quitting right now. Life feels so incredibly hard sometimes, and I don't have it in me to be happy on good days, why should I stick around to struggle and feel like this for the rest of my foreseeable life? Right now I'm high, sad, angry, depressed, worried, and lonely. I just want someone in my life who doesnt have to stick around, they choose to. I want that person to hold me right now, look me in the eye and say it's going to be okay, that they believe in me, that I mean something to them. Maybe I'll just sit here and play Mahjong, listen to Eminem, John Mayer, or Bright Eyes and cut into myself. This may have been the wrong board for my post... If so I'm sorry.