I Don't Want to be Here Anymore.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by jakesaysrelax, Jul 12, 2012.

  1. jakesaysrelax

    jakesaysrelax Member

    I consider myself a depressed person.
    I haven't felt that overwhelming heavy feeling that makes you worried it might never go away in a while.
    But I sit in my room sometimes, and try to take myself to that place sometimes.

    I hate living so much sometimes.
    Life can never just be simple and enjoyable to me.
    There are all kinds of sayings and quotes about how life will typically give you a lot of trouble and rarely will you find a truly great moment.

    I don't see the point. I never feel good, unless I'm drunk or high.
    I can't talk to people.
    I'm terrified of going out into the world.
    My parents are getting sick of me and are trying to shove me, force me to go out and get a job and be more of an adult.

    I want to give up all of the time. The only things that keep me grounded lately are looking forward to drinking or getting more pills, thinking I could keep having parties and maybe talk to Carrie finally, having friends around that tell me how great I am.
    But I am fast approaching the end of all of those hopes and desires.

    I can't handle a job, I need something without a lot of people around and the only jobs available are grocery stores and busboy/waiter openings.

    I'm too soft of a person, I'm not meant to live the life that is expected of me.
    Everything I thought I had going for me is slowly disappearing, and all I can do it sit and watch, and dream of a day when I wont feel so utterly helpless against myself.

    I had high hopes for finally finding a girlfriend, someone I can share myself with and a source of motivation to do what I wont do for myself.
    Now I know I'll never talk to her again.

    I started making friends recently, but it's all coming to and end now. They gave me a lot of confidence that I needed to push myself to do what is necessary, but it's over now.

    All I want is a quiet life, a simple job, a girlfriend, and my best friend Max to hang out with.
    But now all I feel, all I can see for myself is a fast approaching end or a make or break moment in which I decide I have something worth the fight.

    All I want is 50 dollars, I'd buy more pills, a bottle of vodka, and I'd drink until I passed out hopefully to never wake up.
    The two ideas I have in my head right now are, wait until my parents go to bed, take the car, get on the express way and drive until I'm out of gas, then start walking, get as far away as possible and hope that something is better for me somewhere else.I feel so much like quitting right now.

    Life feels so incredibly hard sometimes, and I don't have it in me to be happy on good days, why should I stick around to struggle and feel like this for the rest of my foreseeable life?

    Right now I'm high, sad, angry, depressed, worried, and lonely. I just want someone in my life who doesnt have to stick around, they choose to.

    I want that person to hold me right now, look me in the eye and say it's going to be okay, that they believe in me, that I mean something to them.

    Maybe I'll just sit here and play Mahjong, listen to Eminem, John Mayer, or Bright Eyes and cut into myself.

    This may have been the wrong board for my post... If so I'm sorry.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 12, 2012
  2. Juiceh

    Juiceh Member


    I don't know you. I don't know who you are. I don't know your life story.

    What I do know, however, is that when a person hits rock bottom, he is bound to go right back to where he came from. I cannot say that I understand your pain; I don't. That being said, I do understand how low you are feeling. In fact, it's not just low. It's low-low, isn't it? I think that everyone goes through a time where he or she is lost. Get back on your feet and you will be fine. It seems that you are in no fit condition for proper psychiatric help though; so I would advise you putting more information on here so that we, as a community, can help you. We can be your guardian angel, your guide in whatever you do. We can be your friends. Hang on for a moment there, Jake, and you will see how bright the world gets. Even $1000 sunglasses can't help. :)

    Now, for some solid advice. When you're done dealing with that terrible depressing mood (like all of us), get out there. Get to know good, reliable people. You despise that job, right? Take it on! And while you ARE doing it, go for some external course that will enable you to elevate your position. By then, your current job should be the motivation for education. I do know of some courses that offer a diploma or whatever for a small amount of money. Maybe, you should try asking your parents for a mini loan. I see no reason as to why they would decline if it would improve your future. :)

    I'm always here mate. Feel free to chat me up. I need company too. We all do.