...because I don't deserve to live. I'm so disappointed in myself. Screw up seems to be all I know how to do. Sex seems to be my middle name. Hell seems to be my only home. Hate seems to be my only emotion. Stupidity seems to be all that's in my DNA. Disappointment seems to be all I'm good for. And time seems to have it out for me. I can't even talk about what has happened because I'm so ashamed of myself. I'm trying to raise a precious, strong, triumphant little girl. And the last thing I want her to do is turn into me. She has no decent role-model. I don't want her to have no one like I did-- like I do. I've already failed. I'm so sick and so tired, in so many different ways. I've become afraid of myself, when I've never been one for fear. My stomach aches because I've completely shattered every value I've ever had over the course of my life. I can't fix it. I won't be able to fix it. I'm sorry I'm such a liar and I'm sorry I can't talk to anyone. I'm sorry I break promises when not breaking promises has always been one of the things I've been adamant about. And I'm sorry that my father gets out in few days. And I'm sorry to all of those that he's hurt and will hurt. And I'm sorry that I haven't called my older sister back and I might have to break our date. And I'm sorry that my best friend's calling me right now because he wants to hang out before I go with my sister --if I go with my sister-- and I'm not going to answer his call. And I'm sorry that people care and keep telling me they're there for me and I either 1) refuse to believe them 2) refuse to let them be there for me or 3) lie to them. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for who I have been and who I've become. I'm sorry I'm not as cheerful and funny and wild as I once was. I'm sorry I'm so easily annoyed, frustrated and angry. I'm sorry I've become the person I never wanted to become. I'm sorry I'll never get where I wanted to be. I'm sorry I almost used to like myself-- my wretched, wretched self. I'm sorry I've lost all hope. I'm sorry if I make you all worry. I'm sorry if I seem drama-prone and pathetic. I'm sorry I'm drifting. I'm sorry I've lost my head. I'm sorry I'm such a hypocrite. I'm sorry I give anyone such far-fetched advice that I couldn't follow if I tried. I'm sorry I'm inappreciative. I'm sorry I can't let things go anymore, I'm sorry I can't let them roll down like tears and leave them on my pillow and let them vaporize. I'm sorry everything's such a blur. I'm sorry I don't have the strength to continue any of that pretentious, easier-said-than-done crap. I'm sorry that I continually make things worse. I'm sorry that I want to get rid of my reality. I'm sorry I cry all the time. I'm sorry I've exhausted all of my options. I'm sorry if I'm selfish and I'm sorry if I'm stupid and I'm sorry if I'm impulsive. I'm sorry I'm feeling so sorry for myself. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that "sorry" isn't enough. I'm more of a hindrance than a help and there's no longer a struggle uphill for me. Only a struggle to keep from rolling downhill. I'm beyond helping myself. I'm beyond letting others help me. I don't care to make myself better anymore. All I want to do is make sure my sister has what she needs and be there for other people. But I can't do either of those anymore. All I've ever wanted to do is help the world. So I'm good for nothing. I mean it. I'm sorry -- for wasting your time. And I'm sorry if you're going to respond to this and waste even more time and make me feel even more guilty than I do now. Please. I'm so sick. You all are so worth it, and you all are so perfect. Everyone's so worth it. This entire world, in all its flaws and broken spirits, is brilliant. But I am so not. I've been used and discarded for the final time. Too often have I been retrieved from the rest of the disposed garbage. Now I have decayed. There's no putting the pieces together anymore, because all the pieces aren't there. Let me go. Not forever; just for now.