I don't want to be here...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by The_Discarded, Mar 31, 2007.

  1. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    ...because I don't deserve to live. I'm so disappointed in myself.

    Screw up seems to be all I know how to do.
    Sex seems to be my middle name.
    Hell seems to be my only home.
    Hate seems to be my only emotion.
    Stupidity seems to be all that's in my DNA.
    Disappointment seems to be all I'm good for.
    And time seems to have it out for me.

    I can't even talk about what has happened because I'm so ashamed of myself.

    I'm trying to raise a precious, strong, triumphant little girl. And the last thing I want her to do is turn into me. She has no decent role-model. I don't want her to have no one like I did-- like I do. I've already failed.

    I'm so sick and so tired, in so many different ways. I've become afraid of myself, when I've never been one for fear. My stomach aches because I've completely shattered every value I've ever had over the course of my life.

    I can't fix it. I won't be able to fix it.

    I'm sorry I'm such a liar and I'm sorry I can't talk to anyone. I'm sorry I break promises when not breaking promises has always been one of the things I've been adamant about. And I'm sorry that my father gets out in few days. And I'm sorry to all of those that he's hurt and will hurt. And I'm sorry that I haven't called my older sister back and I might have to break our date. And I'm sorry that my best friend's calling me right now because he wants to hang out before I go with my sister --if I go with my sister-- and I'm not going to answer his call. And I'm sorry that people care and keep telling me they're there for me and I either 1) refuse to believe them 2) refuse to let them be there for me or 3) lie to them. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for who I have been and who I've become. I'm sorry I'm not as cheerful and funny and wild as I once was. I'm sorry I'm so easily annoyed, frustrated and angry. I'm sorry I've become the person I never wanted to become. I'm sorry I'll never get where I wanted to be. I'm sorry I almost used to like myself-- my wretched, wretched self. I'm sorry I've lost all hope. I'm sorry if I make you all worry. I'm sorry if I seem drama-prone and pathetic. I'm sorry I'm drifting. I'm sorry I've lost my head. I'm sorry I'm such a hypocrite. I'm sorry I give anyone such far-fetched advice that I couldn't follow if I tried. I'm sorry I'm inappreciative. I'm sorry I can't let things go anymore, I'm sorry I can't let them roll down like tears and leave them on my pillow and let them vaporize. I'm sorry everything's such a blur. I'm sorry I don't have the strength to continue any of that pretentious, easier-said-than-done crap. I'm sorry that I continually make things worse. I'm sorry that I want to get rid of my reality. I'm sorry I cry all the time. I'm sorry I've exhausted all of my options. I'm sorry if I'm selfish and I'm sorry if I'm stupid and I'm sorry if I'm impulsive. I'm sorry I'm feeling so sorry for myself. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that "sorry" isn't enough.

    I'm more of a hindrance than a help and there's no longer a struggle uphill for me. Only a struggle to keep from rolling downhill.

    I'm beyond helping myself. I'm beyond letting others help me. I don't care to make myself better anymore.

    All I want to do is make sure my sister has what she needs and be there for other people.

    But I can't do either of those anymore.

    All I've ever wanted to do is help the world.

    So I'm good for nothing. I mean it.

    I'm sorry -- for wasting your time. And I'm sorry if you're going to respond to this and waste even more time and make me feel even more guilty than I do now.

    Please. I'm so sick. You all are so worth it, and you all are so perfect. Everyone's so worth it. This entire world, in all its flaws and broken spirits, is brilliant. But I am so not.

    I've been used and discarded for the final time. Too often have I been retrieved from the rest of the disposed garbage.

    Now I have decayed. There's no putting the pieces together anymore, because all the pieces aren't there.

    Let me go. Not forever; just for now.
  2. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    You so deserve to live. The fact taht you have survived so much proves
    that their is a reason for you to be here, whether you see what it is
    or not. You are also not stupid, you are so far more intelligent than
    half the 20 year olds I know. The things you have said to me proves
    how intelligent you are.

    Your sister she has you as a role model, you are strong, you have dealt
    with so much in your life, and you are still standing. Your sister will
    see what a strong and brave sister she has. I'm sure she sees how much
    you take care of her even at 4. You Rae, need to worry about you, you
    need to make sure you are okay, you need to make sure you are strong,so
    you can take care of your sister like you so want. You have been through
    more than any 16 year old has bbeen through. You hsould be going to the
    mall, hanging with friends, relaxing, worrying about school, having a
    life. Not working two jobs, not raising a child that's not yours, not
    having to deal with your mother, it's not your job to do all of those
    things and yet you have to because you are strong and brave and you my
    sweetheart are going to make something of yourself and you are going to
    raise such a brave child. She will love you for being such a wonderful
    persona nd you will both prosper. I love you rae, you have been there
    for me through so much and i will be here for you if you ever need to rant
    When you are ready I will listen. I love u Rae's.
  3. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni


  4. Raiden

    Raiden Guest

    I'm not good with cheering people up, and you know that rae, but i do know you are a great human being who is very strong and takes a lot of **** in her life, you have my full support :smile:
  5. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    Aww Rae :hug: you're such an amazing girl. I really look up to you. How you take care of your little sister and mom, your two jobs. You're so damn strong. You really are such a good and wonderfull person. Its a shame you cant see that. Because you really are. You really deserve to live, maybe not like this. You deserve so much more like kell said. Doing things, other people of your age do. You should try to do them a bit more. It might help, might cheer you up. Dont know if you've got the time to do that, but please allow some good things to yourself. You deserve good things in your life, lots of good things. Wish I could help you. Be safe and take care
  6. blade

    blade Well-Known Member

    i feel like that sometimes but, i meditate to calm down and get my self together.