i really just don't feel like living anymore. i never had. i have never thought to myself "thank god i am alive!" in fact all i have been thinking for a while is the opposite. i feel that life is a waste of time, a decoy from true peace. i just want to die already. my family is going on a trip this christmas, and we already have plane tickets and all, so i am not going to kill myself before then due to the fact that it would destroy the trip and christmas and all. i don't even know if i could go through with it because i know how much it would destroy my mom. but then again living my life is destroying me. such a dilemma.