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I dont want to be here

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by LillMy8989, Mar 23, 2011.

  1. LillMy8989

    LillMy8989 Well-Known Member

    I hate where I live and still taking a lifetime to have it done moving from here... It's so depressed I cant even pay my bills correctly, nobody cares and leaves like I was feared the very first day.

    What do? I think it's too late, I mean if I cant even take care of myself who will ever take care of my cats?? It is a death sin, I can feel it, I think I should go to a healer, a white witch etc. I have nothing to lose, you can tell my writing is slow and thats why I need someone, something, WHY the HELL isn't SOMEBODY listening, just leaving but says there not... Its making me more of a loner and just gives panic-attacks whenever I go outside, I feel paranoid, like someone is going to rape me, or robe me. That is that kind of feeling... scared:sad:

    Just stay with me like I would never leave you for someone bad, evil.
    I will do my best, but now it seems nothing in the world, history could ever bring me to life again, Im stuck in here, there's no coming back whenever youll decided, and I had my life, destroyed. I just want to leave in piece with my self, thats hard like it is... economic, but money isnt what I want then its there's no life for me out there. I cant even feel lust, or love for someone anymore, cause they're always ends up to be assholes, fuck it!

    Fuck life, here we go...
  2. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Hi LillMy8989

    Sorry to hear things aren't good for you at the moment. I know how frightening it is to have anxiety attacks when you are out and about, is there any possibility your doctor can put you on anti anxiety medication? It should help calm you down, and that might impact positively on the rest of your life if you feel a bit calmer and such. It's horrible when others let you down, hurt you, and walk away, but if they do that, then they aren't worth it. I know that's easy to say, and hard to believe, but it is the truth. Some people are assholes, you just have to be patient and wait for the ones who aren't. Because there are people out there who will care. And I am sure that you already have people who do care about you. Im sorry you don't feel listened to, maybe it would be an idea to talk to someone who has upset you and explain why you are upset. Feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk. Take care :arms:
  3. LillMy8989

    LillMy8989 Well-Known Member

    Hey! Thanx for giving such a big hug it really means so much, for a LONER :sigh:

    I wasn't expecting nobody to come but they did, which also means a lot to me, the love isnt just far away, just hidden I guess...:s
  4. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Everything is hidden to an extent, you just have to find it. And its hard but its possible, and worth it. And you aren't a loner hon, even if you were you dont have to be. Maybe you need to work through your issues with a therapist or something? And people here care about you too. I care :arms: :arms:
  5. the masked depressant

    the masked depressant Well-Known Member

    we're with you.

    just talk to us... it's okay
  6. LillMy8989

    LillMy8989 Well-Known Member

    Im drinking and it feels so(not right). Else I can drink without feeling im a loser or loner, I owns the world and stops it wheneverI feel I dont have the control. But I have made my decision, I will find somewhere else to stay where I feel safe, gets to know new friends I can get along with without calls from the police or forcing myself to "do it" because she's an idiot... That would be my LIFE, I guess not so typical but it means a Lot, to me! And I know I am worth it! I won't die, not this time, I will try, still a goof though but I am trying, does it means anythings to you?! I will last a three more days but Ive decided, no one can decide.
  7. LillMy8989

    LillMy8989 Well-Known Member

    What is even wrong with me????!! RIGHT NOW I writes during the super called Anxiety, packed with Panic-pops every third sec! No, I dont feel like Im the same I was The 4 hours ago, I cant even write though I have a lot to tell but struggling my head with this "Dirty bird keeps me rolling down" and goes round, round, I should be going mad I really do but it only makes it worth, have lost my sense to cry which makes you more human, I am just robot then... Battery's empty.
  8. LillMy8989

    LillMy8989 Well-Known Member

    This is making nervous Im drinking again to have these pieces works my way, if they dont maybe I go hurt someone, or something I can't imagine hurting someone that bad, never did(physically), it would break my heart to death, indeed.

    Are you some kind of doctor that telling me Im insane, you're perfect and healthy...? That's exactly what they say. 'Perfect'; words of demons!

    I cant believe Im alive, I been through a lot, and still lives, no brushes, no pain, just mentally I'm exhausted. And I will... willing to take the greatest vacation, I'm done resting, I will discover the unknown, maybe I tell you whats right or wrong... I'm in reality, but this is not. Then I dont belong here.

    To whom that ever will find my body; I'm sorry but I had to.
  9. LillMy8989

    LillMy8989 Well-Known Member

    I think Im leaving, They are not coming and neither do I, rather I go puke because Im their asshole, beat me but you will never have my soul. That boss is so annoying I could take her, but she's a bitch I dont, can take that risk of making myself dirty or 'breaking a nail', she's not worth it. Not any of it. I could say die B****, but that would be so 'cruel', she doesn't deserve the best, better she goes through the hard times, learns she is just a human, not a machine. (She really is a Devil, but Not a machine).

    Will somebody ever help me with my problems I dont know but that doesnt matter, I will take it back make it double and force me to do it... someday :( , Now it's just so mant things that controls me, both inside and out, am I going to stay or not, whom will come to the funeral, the man I was deeply in love with...(I still am after 4½ years)?

    Inside I really dont know whats going on... outside I try to forget. This is taking me down and I wish I was dead... Im just begging for have it done if I cant do it myself. Law says; "do not kill another human bean". :grr:
    Doesn't ask for mush and I dont have the cash to go to switzerland, what else to to?? Train is coming and that's my chance, I will REBORN! See you...!
  10. LillMy8989

    LillMy8989 Well-Known Member

    Second choice and only is to drink myself to sleep, again. Can't even go outside though I'm scared to DEATH(Ha-ha,funni) for cops and socialteams to come, and they will! They made me feel foolish when they told me to put on a straitjacket, like I thought it was a joke(it wasn't)... Reality isn't real, or what?

    I know I don't even belong here, this generation is so 'hated', 'new' and Wasted.
    Ive seen people from the 30s, 40, even 20s and the 10s in the back of my mind and it seems so peacefully. Life were meant something to live for, for your own survival.
    Now we have got this....


    I will take another drink till I fall asleep, nothing has changed, I was just hoping for someone...
  11. fragrance

    fragrance New Member

    I am very sorry that you are hurting so bad
  12. LillMy8989

    LillMy8989 Well-Known Member

    Ill answer that!

    Thanks for a giving hand to hold on to when world's only breaking me down, can't cope with that when people says 'you're fine'.. blah,bla... Not much of a human to trust, I know. I just want to talk to someone and make BIG changes in my life! Notice one problem; Theirs.... "You are talking to much", "just try to make your pain go away and it will be okay... " *talking to the doctor/nurse *, but leaves me without having NOTHING done... I am trash, always been, no understanding... hard, heartaches....
  13. LillMy8989

    LillMy8989 Well-Known Member

    I'm dealing with heartbreak, desire and death.
    Drinking is my life for now on, I feel comfy, beloved, needed... :troll::irony:
    :i'm sorry:

    Don't tell me you can do it because I CAN'T! Success-time is over, FOREVER! Only death is near and funerals.... There will be no 'hero' in town for miracles, the end is here and I will be 'it', not "beat it" this time. Don't tell me, COW, I'm a survivor, I'm the next to join "Mr. beautiful", (S)HE, is my HERO!

    I am just simpl, can't make decisions or even tell a lie, not anymore , I will do it. The cop was knocking at my door today, I was silent, playing like I wasn't even at home, they went but said they wanted to talk with me and asked me if I were alright(I wasn't). Actually I was drinking, In fact I still do...
    Can't hide this anymore, cops are calling(looking like I have been invited.. again, I am lucky!).............

    I am just a faker
  14. LillMy8989

    LillMy8989 Well-Known Member

    I don't want to go out and scared to death, being paranoid (are they goign to death-call my cats as well..???) , then Ill be dead, SOOO DEAD! No one can do I thing about it! No one!! I'm all alone. They have family who cares all of them, but me... nothing will ever happen... ever! I will DIE alone! My family is so like "no she's taking care of her self, I won't help"-.blahhh bvlahhhhhhhhhhh """", This isn't HAPPENING!!!!!!!!? AM I in FANTASY??! This isn't, coulnt be real, I can't even run my name run or words , THIS CAN't be RIGHT!!!

    BYE i'm going , I will go like my father(he's in heaven, he could have been protecting us, but DEAD..).
  15. LillMy8989

    LillMy8989 Well-Known Member

    Loner of the light!, New Melody of those who cares about
  16. LillMy8989

    LillMy8989 Well-Known Member

    Aaha, I wasnt READY fo beijng, THIS TIME !!! HAHA I am really telling telling the true about everuthing, please help!!! rayhefr I go , To this land.. land is soft and warm nothin feel unsafe, BUT HELP MME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  17. PollyAnna

    PollyAnna Account Closed

    Please don't hurt yourself.
    Your father would want you to be alive.

    You sound like a sweet girl who's just In pain.
    The pain can go away.
    There's an answer to everything.
  18. LillMy8989

    LillMy8989 Well-Known Member

    Dont ACT you wants to lose me or else I will LOSe ME.. Re You rE REALLY THE ON e losing

    n(( j ia in inproatnztannse )
  19. PollyAnna

    PollyAnna Account Closed

    Jag bryr mig för dig !
  20. LillMy8989

    LillMy8989 Well-Known Member