I don't want to be nothing

[Axiom]

Im going sligtly nuts. I don't know how to say what I feel or want because it's not makeing any sense anymore. And I know I need so much of it, it doesn't work in reality. There's no way I can touch with what I need to feel alive again at a constant basis. I don't even know if I have enough energy to get an new place to live on my own and a job which I have to. But That's the farthest thing from my issues as they so put it. I dont know what bothers me, so much. I dont know what I want. I just want to feel everything again. I cant stand all my walls, I cant stand all my barriers, I cant stand the fact that I cant feel except for certain things. I cant stand that I cant give back I can only feel some instinctual urge that I can tune myself into, but it closes myself off to reality more and more. But it's almost all i have left. Besides the people in my life, btu im terrifed im going to push them away, as I have with a few already. I hate not being what I should be, and by should I mean the simple basic should be that is there. Im just fucking useless. Everything pisses me off. I cant even listen to a instructional video without crumbeling inside. I mean that as in after 10 seconds I just cant keep up as IN i dont have the energy I literally start falling I literally cant shift my focus away from my own internal self cause I dont have the energy to do both but I have to do both but I cant so I have to put the fucking music that makes me feel alive on some level but on a damn survival aspect so It's literally an unexceptable usage of that feeling of inspiration for the situation but it's something I actually needed. Now I have more shit to deal with besides a fucking instructional video such as finding a new place to live. Which is a huge deal since Ive basically been a isolated shit for years now. In a bloody foriegn country, topic starts are allways going to be the same "Oh that's a different accent." "Oh youre not from around here" "oh are you from america?" "Oh "insert conversational aspects about talking about yourself" in an overview sense." What are you doing here? How long have you been here? Whats canada like... ect etct Thats the leeast of my owrries but its just jumped into my head. Then theres the sleeping issuesI cant sleep properly no matter how much sleep I get. Then theres the creating a system to look after myself, but I never look after myself, I let myself drain until I need the sustinence to keep me going. Which fucking means going into social areas getting supplies and food, which means traveling outside, which means .. meh I can do that. Great Oh well. All these stupid issues are ripples of my own issues But as long as these stupid secondary issues keep cropping up I can never get to deal with what I need and what I need I have no idea. I dont know right now what I need. I need something I need to feel I need some feeling I need it so badly right now. I have created so many feelings inside and the few that I cherish so much are dwindeling minus a few, but I dont know if | ihave the strength to keep them going I dont know if I can keep them alive and myself. I dont know wtf is going on. I dont care about anything really, but I started again, but now I dont know. Nothings right, nothings straight, it's all so fucking WRONG everythings WRONG nothings right. Everything I want is just I shouldnt want it IS houldnt get it.

Do I keep this stupid hope of the future inside alive? Do I keep this shit that in a bit Ill make it alright. Do I keep the future of life and happyness alive? Do I remember that every aspect of despair comes with a side of happyness and passion and love and kindness and freedom. Do I continue to care about both sides? DO I gvie a fuck anymore about the positive and negative anyore? Do I continue to keep trying? EVen though I never try. Do I continue to pollute myself with false hopse and dreams that I CANT DELIVER BACK TO THOSE THAT HELP ME! DO I KEEP WASTING EVERYONES TIME. Do i hold onto the fear t hat if i kill myself that I will miss out. Do i hold onto the fact that I cant do anything that it's only a temporary issues. DO I HOLD ONTO the hope of Love in it's unlimted fashion? DO i hold onto the Hope that I can be good at something? DO I hold onto the fact that I matter OR do I dissolve that limited aspect that I've protected for so long. Do I dwell deeper into my life and rip it to shread or Do I simply rip apart my bouncy structure that's kept me going. DO I throw away my mp3 player and see what happens? Do I go back to canada and feel even worse then I ever could. I love the uk.. I dont want to go back there. I fucking wont but i would if i had no option because THATS WHAT I AM. When it comes to me, Ill compromise. But when it comes to anyone else ill fucking take the heat, Ill take the issues, Ill take the shit, Ill take the love, ill take the kindness, Ill take the understanding ill take the care, Ill take the CRAP, Ill take the shit, Ill take the Nothing. Cause I AM ABSOLUTLY nothing. I am nothing more than a leech and I cant stand it anymore. I cant stand the lying.. BUT I never lie to those I care about . I dont i never have i never lie about how I feel about you. I never have I never will it's all I have left my love my connection my dreams my hopes my illusions my ... impossibilities... my failings, my realities, my disconnections, my restrictions, my limitiations, my fears, my clouds, my forgetfullness, my .. fucking gaze back at you. FUCK YOU . YOU FUCKING WONT KILL MEBEFORE I DO. ...please try to kill me. Ill give it back equally and in that final fucking moment when I can kill you Ill show you I WONT KILL YOU because Im better than you! SO I FUCKING cant kill myself because in that final moment inside when I want to kill myself I try I DO remind myself that I AM not a killer I am not a murder of myself or others.. unless the situation required it. OH fuck that rational I am not making a situation require it, that's a pathway from the source of murder in itself. Fuck it. Suicide is murder.. Maybe not Fuck it lets rip that old one apart. Or is it a blur, is it undecided how can I define something like that. It's personal, it's unique it's not the same for everyone, fuck what teh FUCK am I rambeling about now!
Getting my mind off of this BOUNCE the fuck out of this despair GET your drive back NOW! FUCK the shit that comes your Way FUCK the shit that trys to tell you you are worthless FUCK the shit that reminds you that you are useless. AATTACK the concepts that SAY IT IS A REMINDER! FUCK THIS SHIT FUCK ALL THIS FUCKING LIFE I CANT STAND THIS FUCKING LIFE I WANT TO BE FUCKING FEELINGS AND BE IT FOREVER but that's impossible. THATS so impossible everythings so fucking impossible. Wtf's the point Why bother what for, whats teh purpose what's the connective aspects to the drive what's the point what keeps you going THINK FUCKING FEEL IT Whats your hope WHATS YOUR PASSION Whats YOUR DESIRES WHATS TEH FUCKING POINT OR are you going out there without knowing AGAIN and going to be asked these questions on a surface level and FALL to the core when you think of a responce and Come back with something that doesnt make sense or mean how I FEEL and fucking RUIN THE point im in and confuse the hell out of whomever Im talking to. fuck it i can dodge. Just like I have on that flow. Great...

ARRRRRRRRRG

Calm down... What do I want? I don't want this sort of life. What sort of life do I want? I don't know. What makes you happy? Fluidity.. Falling into passion and becoming more than the moment with someone else. So wtf does that mean? Is that some sort of ... FUCK ripping into what I care about! FUCK THAT

.. im not as weak as I think I am. Perhaps Im more frustrated and attacking everything. Perhaps because of my actual insecurities and lack of social and working skills I am spiraling out even more and attacking the reasons that cause this situation to be what it is. Perhaps Im going off tangent.. perhaps Im overracting. Perhaps Im bullshiting myself right into believing im just over reacting. Perhaps This is a drama episode. Perhaps by suggesting it and accepting that it is I only solidify that it is a drama moment. Perhaps By posting this in a sectio nwhere responces are allowed I even more solidify this is a drama moment. Perhaps IM Trying to create a rational to every fucker that things Im have a drama moment to GO FUCK YOURSELFS
YOU
DONT
KNOW
ME

Just as
I
DONT
KNOW
YOU

.. who the fuck am I talking to. Fuck the world? fuck everyone else? fuck compassion, fuck hate? Fucking HELL do I just jump between the positive and the negative to avoid the drastic seriousness of the reality of my life in the present and future to distract even more so from the ugly dillusional hopeful grey boring past that encompasses and creates who I am? DO I just create more bullshit in hopes that the added content will provoke some sort of explosive feeling to which I can surround myself in for only a few moments, so I can feel something and survive and feeed of it?
Im a leech I can NOT be around anyone I care about. I cant stand I FUCKING WONT ever take anything off of someone I love EVER AGAIN. WATCH ME NOT COMMIT TO THAT. MY WORDS ARE WEAKINGING MY THOUGHTS ARE LOSING THEIR MOMENTUM MY COMPASSION IS WEAKENING MY LOVE ..is all I fucking left and fuck FUCK FUCK UFKC what sort of meaning is attributed to fuck? Fuck me I have no fucking clue <__ wtf!? Cute... I write some bullshit
Spiraling Forward and out?! For what ?! All the elements are there... to bounce from.. BUT I DONT WANT TO BOUNCE FROM YOU! I WNAT TO BE ME! I WANT TO BE SOMETHING I WANT TO EXIST I WANT TO BE OK I WANT O FEEL I WANT TO WANT I WANT O BE ALEBTBKJEHSFDSFLKSD TI GLKJDSKFLcx
I WANT TO LOVE I WANT TO FALL INTO YOU I WANT TO HOLD YOU I WANT TO GROW I Want to explore with feeling and touch life I WANT to love live back and fucking RIP LIFE APART at the SAMETIME
Ohh cant be everything we want eh... Learn to let go kid. Learn to accept a position. Learn to commit. Learn to BLAH Look how great its worked out for the rest of ALL YOU MOTHER FUCKING PEOPLE OUT THERE. ... do you think there are happy people that don't live in ignorance and can touch life completely as who they are? Omg im starting to compare. WTF HOW FUCKING desperate am i. Next Ill find a role model NEXT ILL START MIMICKING NEXT ILL START FORGETTING WHO I AM EVEN MORE!
IDONT WANT TO BE NOTHIGN!
FUCKING HELL
FUCK YOU FOR FUCKING ME!
FUCK

 

[Axiom]

Forget this thread its a waste of time

 

[Axiom]

I won't write much, it tends to just confuse people and they then think im nuts. I just know Im useless. Lathargic and a procrastinator. ..

I dont want to be like this. I have so many lovely and beautiful things infront of me that I could go for. But it's the little things im absolutley useless to. And scared of. And then im worried that the people and things I want to enjoy, Ill only end up disappointing them and not being able to connect with the situation.

Now I mean before I keep going into the why, I should be flipping it. Looking at the best parts, remembering that i can do, that there is some flicker of a reason why people want to talk to me, why I can still interact with life on some level.

Im starting to write again...

I know alot of this.. but it's this empty pit this place of no love no feeling, no happyness deep inside me, right at the core of who I am. I know, or atleast I think I know that somoene will love me regardless of that, and actually possibly let me go back there and try to bring some happyness into it.
But i dont want that primarily. I want happyness for the now and future without my crap. I want to laugh again and fall into fun moments and not snap the happy flow with worry and spiral down to worthlessness.

So why would i flip.. generally speaking I suppose people flip because of some traumatic event or series of events that have forced or made the subjected person believe that the feeling of despair, disconnection, loss, unable to understand, failings will eventually show their face in any happy moment. So why wait for it to happen, why put yourself in a moment when someone you love is going to love and enjoy a momnet when I believe I will simply feel horrible and snap the flow. It used to be defined as drama queen attention seeking, or needing to dominate the moment, but i know it's not true. I know that's not it. On a offshoot of that, the alteration of a happy flow by becoming negative gives rise to someone who is in a positive state comforting the person who is feeling horrible or disconnected. A semi connection on the grounds of reassurance.
I feel slightly disgusted by that from my own experience that Ive allowed that to happen. So I feel that alot of the time when I talk to people. Well used to. I know how to mask it so I don't show it now, or at the very least push it away when I dont get it and create my own positive bounce so that it can atleast continue the happyness of the situation and in that moment when the other people are enjoying the moment, i remember that lifes alot more than the negative. That there is alot of love and happyness in the hearts of us all, and in the life around us. And i get this feeling. So quickly I can shift between feelings if I open my doors properly. And so quickly I attack it. That feeling of joy that spreads across my face, I instantly called it a pre-lude to dillusion in my head. I defined it as a weakness as a potential ...

I dont remember how she said it, but something along the lines that, loves about letting go into eachother and life, opening yourself up to love and life, about taking risks, about breathing life without always preparing for it. Flowing with the best parts the most beautiful parts, and flowing when the worst hits, and when it knocks you about, that you always have your love and connections, and who you are.

Maybe I need to love myself.. but i fall so much. I worry that without my negativity ill become ignorant. Perhaps theres a balance? So that means there is limitations to the flow of happyness and love? So that means there is a suddle overseeing controller. A guide at the wheels dictating the intensity and depth to which each can go for those particular moments.

That part. My, me. Wait. It's not so linear.. or is it.



fuck it. Why does it matter? WHO THE FUCK CARES! Part of me cares.. Part of me wants something more. PART OF ME FUCKING COULD CARE LESS ABOUT TRYING ANYMORE. The other part keeps comforting myself, keeps reminding myself, keeps containing my aggression, keeps calming it, keeps always calming it, keeps it from progressing, keeps its new and twisted rationals from solidifying. And I blend together in agony. I was not going tobecome violent towards others, and Im not. But i can sound very aggressive in my posts I suppose. My mind has gotten to the point where my aggression is coming out for passionate reasons now. And it's engulfing my resistance and gentle touch. There are a couple people who can when im around them, let me purely touch and become my gentle aspects while being aware of my perceptual hostility, without it ever touching me.
So i try with music all the time. I put the most aggressive music, most rythmic and passtionate aggressive music i can find on and sink into it, i try to provoke the desires to rage out so I can calm them down and touch them so gentle. It's like touching a man on fire who wants to destroy the world, and could rip apart every ounce of who you are. It's almost like putting who you are in that destructive aspects hands. And i always know that i am not destructive. It's just a vicious shell, a beacon for some to see that im .. "not content" .. with something. That my aggression and destructive nature is frustration, but... more than that. It's fueled by something more.

But if i fixed that. If I took that away. Id be nothing. Im already worthless and useless because everything to me is secondary except for... some people. But right now.. im fighting off the realisations that I need to keep them away. That im just going to draing them. Because I want so much with them and from them, but i cant give equal or more back. So the responsible thing is to walk away from them. All. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again and again. I cant stand finding someone whom could be my one and only and have to shut off and walk away from them.
SO FUCK IT

Ug.. i donno. I do know. I want everyone I care about to get the best from me, to recieve a positive nature from me. I want them to feel truly loved from me. I want them to not have to deal with my issues. I want them..

but i dont want them in my life if all im going to do is hurt them indirectly or directly. I dont want to OH FFS this is ..well is this a spiral out using a negative protecitve tool or is this my attempt to force a reality into my face so I can do something about it.
Do something about it...
Do something about it...

Do something about it...
Do something about it...
..Do something. Something right. Something progressive. Something that you can build from. Do something you can believe in. Do something you can love and cheerish. Do something that benifits yourself and those around you in life. Do something that causes you to feel alive. Do something that lets you share that life with others. Do something that causes you to spread your life. Do something to ..

Constrict, conceal, confine, combine, Rage inside at the denied aspects. Stop yourself from going in that direction because you know it'll only lead to a touch of happyness that you will ruin. Do..

Do something about that. Do something that will challenge those thoughts and fears. Do something that will remind you you can stand up against the worst and most degrading thoughts that rush and take over your body and feelings.
Do something that empowers your love and passion for life. Do something that reminds you that you exist and arent a worthless...
Worthless..
but ive made it a reality. I am by all comparison worthless
Do something about .
I dont have the energy to do it
You have the energy to type
That's not enough energy to bring myself out of this
Then keep typing
About what? About how This is what Happens. About how I can stalemate myself and sit idle even more. Because Spiralling out to a destructive path is against my nature, well it was, it's started to rear it's ugly head recenlty. But so had those most beautiful moments.
So what do I love.. besides the dreams of being loved and seen and understood for who I am, and most importantly for who I am becoming?
What do I really love? I love loving one person. I love the feeling of being special to someone and someone being special to me. building and growing together.


BUT i gave up on that after a couple years of being ravaged and no one giving me that. So 18 years+ later, Ive learned to love the idea of other things I suppose. But it's cold. It's so lonley. It's so .. who the fuck cares? It becomes nothing to do with you or the world. It has everything to do with a perception and awarness, and understanding, and just how far I can go into them without losing myself. I fell into feelings that I could never have, the ones that surround love and connection. I Lost all my connections. Now im gainging them and im so terrified im going to lose them again. Back to being lost in a perceptual awarness ignorance that houses only me. Sure I can talk about things, but I can talk about it if it's 100 steps away from where I am, so I tried to learn 1000 steps so I could get close to people. Or am I making shit up now on the spot. Ug i dont know i cant remember. the past is so blurry the realisations are so mixed and jumbled. Yet this feeling of love that I almost bury stays strong inside of me.

Im so malluable, I've had this song on repeat all morning as im writing this. I dont want to talk to people from this state.. i want to touch you and dissolve into eachother without losing eachother. Cause wed never hurt eachother never change eachother..


That's it. Im not listening to my music like I have been. I have to cut it out. It's making me believe that I need to die in my music. When I need to live in life. Music will be there, but it is not my driving force for life. .. do something... I have to do something.

 

[Sadeyes]

You have said so much here...and it is so good to ponder aloud these issues...maybe having no resolution is the resolution...sometimes being comfortable with dissonance (spelling?) is the best approach...wish life we more binary, but most of it is gray...J

 

[letmedisappear]

I am amazed. I read through all that you wrote, and let me tell you, I thought I was reading what I've written in the past. Like you, I always debate with myself; I think I am worthless, there is no point ever, I don't care nor does anyone else, I should just leave because obviously life will not suffice, there needs to something more, maybe there is and I'm just too lazy to look for it, that there's no point in doing that, I should actually, instead of sitting around and questioning and complaining, go do something to change it...yet isn't this what I love to do? I adore questions, I adore the fact that there will never be answers, yet it's causing me to sink into a black hole of depression, despair, and worthlessness. I need to stop it, I need to fall deeper, I need to change, I need to go further...

But enough about me. What you wrote is fantastic, and if you ever want to talk, I would be honored to speak with you. It seems that music is big for you (as it is for me as well) so may I suggest trying other types of music? Sometimes I listen to songs full of anger and rage, sometimes songs that make you think, other times I listen to songs that are totally feel-good and others that just get people pumped up. Right now I'm listening to "Propane Nightmares", by Pendulum, and it's really upbeat but mysterious, so I'm in an overall good but pensive mood. They have some other really good songs, and I just have it all on repeat. Otherwise, thanks so much for this thread; it really helped me think and relate, and in no way is it a waste of time. Again, if you ever want to talk, just PM me or catch me on chat