Im going sligtly nuts. I don't know how to say what I feel or want because it's not makeing any sense anymore. And I know I need so much of it, it doesn't work in reality. There's no way I can touch with what I need to feel alive again at a constant basis. I don't even know if I have enough energy to get an new place to live on my own and a job which I have to. But That's the farthest thing from my issues as they so put it. I dont know what bothers me, so much. I dont know what I want. I just want to feel everything again. I cant stand all my walls, I cant stand all my barriers, I cant stand the fact that I cant feel except for certain things. I cant stand that I cant give back I can only feel some instinctual urge that I can tune myself into, but it closes myself off to reality more and more. But it's almost all i have left. Besides the people in my life, btu im terrifed im going to push them away, as I have with a few already. I hate not being what I should be, and by should I mean the simple basic should be that is there. Im just fucking useless. Everything pisses me off. I cant even listen to a instructional video without crumbeling inside. I mean that as in after 10 seconds I just cant keep up as IN i dont have the energy I literally start falling I literally cant shift my focus away from my own internal self cause I dont have the energy to do both but I have to do both but I cant so I have to put the fucking music that makes me feel alive on some level but on a damn survival aspect so It's literally an unexceptable usage of that feeling of inspiration for the situation but it's something I actually needed. Now I have more shit to deal with besides a fucking instructional video such as finding a new place to live. Which is a huge deal since Ive basically been a isolated shit for years now. In a bloody foriegn country, topic starts are allways going to be the same "Oh that's a different accent." "Oh youre not from around here" "oh are you from america?" "Oh "insert conversational aspects about talking about yourself" in an overview sense." What are you doing here? How long have you been here? Whats canada like... ect etct Thats the leeast of my owrries but its just jumped into my head. Then theres the sleeping issuesI cant sleep properly no matter how much sleep I get. Then theres the creating a system to look after myself, but I never look after myself, I let myself drain until I need the sustinence to keep me going. Which fucking means going into social areas getting supplies and food, which means traveling outside, which means .. meh I can do that. Great Oh well. All these stupid issues are ripples of my own issues But as long as these stupid secondary issues keep cropping up I can never get to deal with what I need and what I need I have no idea. I dont know right now what I need. I need something I need to feel I need some feeling I need it so badly right now. I have created so many feelings inside and the few that I cherish so much are dwindeling minus a few, but I dont know if | ihave the strength to keep them going I dont know if I can keep them alive and myself. I dont know wtf is going on. I dont care about anything really, but I started again, but now I dont know. Nothings right, nothings straight, it's all so fucking WRONG everythings WRONG nothings right. Everything I want is just I shouldnt want it IS houldnt get it.
Do I keep this stupid hope of the future inside alive? Do I keep this shit that in a bit Ill make it alright. Do I keep the future of life and happyness alive? Do I remember that every aspect of despair comes with a side of happyness and passion and love and kindness and freedom. Do I continue to care about both sides? DO I gvie a fuck anymore about the positive and negative anyore? Do I continue to keep trying? EVen though I never try. Do I continue to pollute myself with false hopse and dreams that I CANT DELIVER BACK TO THOSE THAT HELP ME! DO I KEEP WASTING EVERYONES TIME. Do i hold onto the fear t hat if i kill myself that I will miss out. Do i hold onto the fact that I cant do anything that it's only a temporary issues. DO I HOLD ONTO the hope of Love in it's unlimted fashion? DO i hold onto the Hope that I can be good at something? DO I hold onto the fact that I matter OR do I dissolve that limited aspect that I've protected for so long. Do I dwell deeper into my life and rip it to shread or Do I simply rip apart my bouncy structure that's kept me going. DO I throw away my mp3 player and see what happens? Do I go back to canada and feel even worse then I ever could. I love the uk.. I dont want to go back there. I fucking wont but i would if i had no option because THATS WHAT I AM. When it comes to me, Ill compromise. But when it comes to anyone else ill fucking take the heat, Ill take the issues, Ill take the shit, Ill take the love, ill take the kindness, Ill take the understanding ill take the care, Ill take the CRAP, Ill take the shit, Ill take the Nothing. Cause I AM ABSOLUTLY nothing. I am nothing more than a leech and I cant stand it anymore. I cant stand the lying.. BUT I never lie to those I care about . I dont i never have i never lie about how I feel about you. I never have I never will it's all I have left my love my connection my dreams my hopes my illusions my ... impossibilities... my failings, my realities, my disconnections, my restrictions, my limitiations, my fears, my clouds, my forgetfullness, my .. fucking gaze back at you. FUCK YOU . YOU FUCKING WONT KILL MEBEFORE I DO. ...please try to kill me. Ill give it back equally and in that final fucking moment when I can kill you Ill show you I WONT KILL YOU because Im better than you! SO I FUCKING cant kill myself because in that final moment inside when I want to kill myself I try I DO remind myself that I AM not a killer I am not a murder of myself or others.. unless the situation required it. OH fuck that rational I am not making a situation require it, that's a pathway from the source of murder in itself. Fuck it. Suicide is murder.. Maybe not Fuck it lets rip that old one apart. Or is it a blur, is it undecided how can I define something like that. It's personal, it's unique it's not the same for everyone, fuck what teh FUCK am I rambeling about now!
Getting my mind off of this BOUNCE the fuck out of this despair GET your drive back NOW! FUCK the shit that comes your Way FUCK the shit that trys to tell you you are worthless FUCK the shit that reminds you that you are useless. AATTACK the concepts that SAY IT IS A REMINDER! FUCK THIS SHIT FUCK ALL THIS FUCKING LIFE I CANT STAND THIS FUCKING LIFE I WANT TO BE FUCKING FEELINGS AND BE IT FOREVER but that's impossible. THATS so impossible everythings so fucking impossible. Wtf's the point Why bother what for, whats teh purpose what's the connective aspects to the drive what's the point what keeps you going THINK FUCKING FEEL IT Whats your hope WHATS YOUR PASSION Whats YOUR DESIRES WHATS TEH FUCKING POINT OR are you going out there without knowing AGAIN and going to be asked these questions on a surface level and FALL to the core when you think of a responce and Come back with something that doesnt make sense or mean how I FEEL and fucking RUIN THE point im in and confuse the hell out of whomever Im talking to. fuck it i can dodge. Just like I have on that flow. Great...
ARRRRRRRRRG
Calm down... What do I want? I don't want this sort of life. What sort of life do I want? I don't know. What makes you happy? Fluidity.. Falling into passion and becoming more than the moment with someone else. So wtf does that mean? Is that some sort of ... FUCK ripping into what I care about! FUCK THAT
.. im not as weak as I think I am. Perhaps Im more frustrated and attacking everything. Perhaps because of my actual insecurities and lack of social and working skills I am spiraling out even more and attacking the reasons that cause this situation to be what it is. Perhaps Im going off tangent.. perhaps Im overracting. Perhaps Im bullshiting myself right into believing im just over reacting. Perhaps This is a drama episode. Perhaps by suggesting it and accepting that it is I only solidify that it is a drama moment. Perhaps By posting this in a sectio nwhere responces are allowed I even more solidify this is a drama moment. Perhaps IM Trying to create a rational to every fucker that things Im have a drama moment to GO FUCK YOURSELFS
YOU
DONT
KNOW
ME
Just as
I
DONT
KNOW
YOU
.. who the fuck am I talking to. Fuck the world? fuck everyone else? fuck compassion, fuck hate? Fucking HELL do I just jump between the positive and the negative to avoid the drastic seriousness of the reality of my life in the present and future to distract even more so from the ugly dillusional hopeful grey boring past that encompasses and creates who I am? DO I just create more bullshit in hopes that the added content will provoke some sort of explosive feeling to which I can surround myself in for only a few moments, so I can feel something and survive and feeed of it?
Im a leech I can NOT be around anyone I care about. I cant stand I FUCKING WONT ever take anything off of someone I love EVER AGAIN. WATCH ME NOT COMMIT TO THAT. MY WORDS ARE WEAKINGING MY THOUGHTS ARE LOSING THEIR MOMENTUM MY COMPASSION IS WEAKENING MY LOVE ..is all I fucking left and fuck FUCK FUCK UFKC what sort of meaning is attributed to fuck? Fuck me I have no fucking clue <__ wtf!? Cute... I write some bullshit
Spiraling Forward and out?! For what ?! All the elements are there... to bounce from.. BUT I DONT WANT TO BOUNCE FROM YOU! I WNAT TO BE ME! I WANT TO BE SOMETHING I WANT TO EXIST I WANT TO BE OK I WANT O FEEL I WANT TO WANT I WANT O BE ALEBTBKJEHSFDSFLKSD TI GLKJDSKFLcx
I WANT TO LOVE I WANT TO FALL INTO YOU I WANT TO HOLD YOU I WANT TO GROW I Want to explore with feeling and touch life I WANT to love live back and fucking RIP LIFE APART at the SAMETIME
Ohh cant be everything we want eh... Learn to let go kid. Learn to accept a position. Learn to commit. Learn to BLAH Look how great its worked out for the rest of ALL YOU MOTHER FUCKING PEOPLE OUT THERE. ... do you think there are happy people that don't live in ignorance and can touch life completely as who they are? Omg im starting to compare. WTF HOW FUCKING desperate am i. Next Ill find a role model NEXT ILL START MIMICKING NEXT ILL START FORGETTING WHO I AM EVEN MORE!
IDONT WANT TO BE NOTHIGN!
FUCKING HELL
FUCK YOU FOR FUCKING ME!
FUCK
Do I keep this stupid hope of the future inside alive? Do I keep this shit that in a bit Ill make it alright. Do I keep the future of life and happyness alive? Do I remember that every aspect of despair comes with a side of happyness and passion and love and kindness and freedom. Do I continue to care about both sides? DO I gvie a fuck anymore about the positive and negative anyore? Do I continue to keep trying? EVen though I never try. Do I continue to pollute myself with false hopse and dreams that I CANT DELIVER BACK TO THOSE THAT HELP ME! DO I KEEP WASTING EVERYONES TIME. Do i hold onto the fear t hat if i kill myself that I will miss out. Do i hold onto the fact that I cant do anything that it's only a temporary issues. DO I HOLD ONTO the hope of Love in it's unlimted fashion? DO i hold onto the Hope that I can be good at something? DO I hold onto the fact that I matter OR do I dissolve that limited aspect that I've protected for so long. Do I dwell deeper into my life and rip it to shread or Do I simply rip apart my bouncy structure that's kept me going. DO I throw away my mp3 player and see what happens? Do I go back to canada and feel even worse then I ever could. I love the uk.. I dont want to go back there. I fucking wont but i would if i had no option because THATS WHAT I AM. When it comes to me, Ill compromise. But when it comes to anyone else ill fucking take the heat, Ill take the issues, Ill take the shit, Ill take the love, ill take the kindness, Ill take the understanding ill take the care, Ill take the CRAP, Ill take the shit, Ill take the Nothing. Cause I AM ABSOLUTLY nothing. I am nothing more than a leech and I cant stand it anymore. I cant stand the lying.. BUT I never lie to those I care about . I dont i never have i never lie about how I feel about you. I never have I never will it's all I have left my love my connection my dreams my hopes my illusions my ... impossibilities... my failings, my realities, my disconnections, my restrictions, my limitiations, my fears, my clouds, my forgetfullness, my .. fucking gaze back at you. FUCK YOU . YOU FUCKING WONT KILL MEBEFORE I DO. ...please try to kill me. Ill give it back equally and in that final fucking moment when I can kill you Ill show you I WONT KILL YOU because Im better than you! SO I FUCKING cant kill myself because in that final moment inside when I want to kill myself I try I DO remind myself that I AM not a killer I am not a murder of myself or others.. unless the situation required it. OH fuck that rational I am not making a situation require it, that's a pathway from the source of murder in itself. Fuck it. Suicide is murder.. Maybe not Fuck it lets rip that old one apart. Or is it a blur, is it undecided how can I define something like that. It's personal, it's unique it's not the same for everyone, fuck what teh FUCK am I rambeling about now!
Getting my mind off of this BOUNCE the fuck out of this despair GET your drive back NOW! FUCK the shit that comes your Way FUCK the shit that trys to tell you you are worthless FUCK the shit that reminds you that you are useless. AATTACK the concepts that SAY IT IS A REMINDER! FUCK THIS SHIT FUCK ALL THIS FUCKING LIFE I CANT STAND THIS FUCKING LIFE I WANT TO BE FUCKING FEELINGS AND BE IT FOREVER but that's impossible. THATS so impossible everythings so fucking impossible. Wtf's the point Why bother what for, whats teh purpose what's the connective aspects to the drive what's the point what keeps you going THINK FUCKING FEEL IT Whats your hope WHATS YOUR PASSION Whats YOUR DESIRES WHATS TEH FUCKING POINT OR are you going out there without knowing AGAIN and going to be asked these questions on a surface level and FALL to the core when you think of a responce and Come back with something that doesnt make sense or mean how I FEEL and fucking RUIN THE point im in and confuse the hell out of whomever Im talking to. fuck it i can dodge. Just like I have on that flow. Great...
ARRRRRRRRRG
Calm down... What do I want? I don't want this sort of life. What sort of life do I want? I don't know. What makes you happy? Fluidity.. Falling into passion and becoming more than the moment with someone else. So wtf does that mean? Is that some sort of ... FUCK ripping into what I care about! FUCK THAT
.. im not as weak as I think I am. Perhaps Im more frustrated and attacking everything. Perhaps because of my actual insecurities and lack of social and working skills I am spiraling out even more and attacking the reasons that cause this situation to be what it is. Perhaps Im going off tangent.. perhaps Im overracting. Perhaps Im bullshiting myself right into believing im just over reacting. Perhaps This is a drama episode. Perhaps by suggesting it and accepting that it is I only solidify that it is a drama moment. Perhaps By posting this in a sectio nwhere responces are allowed I even more solidify this is a drama moment. Perhaps IM Trying to create a rational to every fucker that things Im have a drama moment to GO FUCK YOURSELFS
YOU
DONT
KNOW
ME
Just as
I
DONT
KNOW
YOU
.. who the fuck am I talking to. Fuck the world? fuck everyone else? fuck compassion, fuck hate? Fucking HELL do I just jump between the positive and the negative to avoid the drastic seriousness of the reality of my life in the present and future to distract even more so from the ugly dillusional hopeful grey boring past that encompasses and creates who I am? DO I just create more bullshit in hopes that the added content will provoke some sort of explosive feeling to which I can surround myself in for only a few moments, so I can feel something and survive and feeed of it?
Im a leech I can NOT be around anyone I care about. I cant stand I FUCKING WONT ever take anything off of someone I love EVER AGAIN. WATCH ME NOT COMMIT TO THAT. MY WORDS ARE WEAKINGING MY THOUGHTS ARE LOSING THEIR MOMENTUM MY COMPASSION IS WEAKENING MY LOVE ..is all I fucking left and fuck FUCK FUCK UFKC what sort of meaning is attributed to fuck? Fuck me I have no fucking clue <__ wtf!? Cute... I write some bullshit
Spiraling Forward and out?! For what ?! All the elements are there... to bounce from.. BUT I DONT WANT TO BOUNCE FROM YOU! I WNAT TO BE ME! I WANT TO BE SOMETHING I WANT TO EXIST I WANT TO BE OK I WANT O FEEL I WANT TO WANT I WANT O BE ALEBTBKJEHSFDSFLKSD TI GLKJDSKFLcx
I WANT TO LOVE I WANT TO FALL INTO YOU I WANT TO HOLD YOU I WANT TO GROW I Want to explore with feeling and touch life I WANT to love live back and fucking RIP LIFE APART at the SAMETIME
Ohh cant be everything we want eh... Learn to let go kid. Learn to accept a position. Learn to commit. Learn to BLAH Look how great its worked out for the rest of ALL YOU MOTHER FUCKING PEOPLE OUT THERE. ... do you think there are happy people that don't live in ignorance and can touch life completely as who they are? Omg im starting to compare. WTF HOW FUCKING desperate am i. Next Ill find a role model NEXT ILL START MIMICKING NEXT ILL START FORGETTING WHO I AM EVEN MORE!
IDONT WANT TO BE NOTHIGN!
FUCKING HELL
FUCK YOU FOR FUCKING ME!
FUCK