I don't want to be.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Joshy, Jun 17, 2012.

  1. Joshy

    Joshy Well-Known Member

    I'm underweight, and I have hyperthyroidism. Apparently my thyroid was fatally low so he doubled my dose and wants to do more blood tests in a week to see if that levels it out better or not. I'm on Levothyroxine 25 mcg, but I take two of them now because he told me to start taking 50 mcg.

    Thursday I didn't eat.
    Friday/Yesterday I didn't eat.
    Today I didn't eat. I actually slept til about 3 PM. But I didn't stay up last night at all. I went to bed at like 11 PM.

    I don't even drink either, only take a sip of anything to take my pills with. :/

    I try reminding myself to eat by leaving trash around like bottles and wrappers or plates and cups. That doesn't seem to work either.
    And I stopped folding laundry... I feel like somethings wrong with me, and I'm lost the enthusiasm to do anything to help myself anymore..

    I have a girlfriend, and she tries helping me too. But nothing seems to be working anymore.
    I stopped eating, stopped drinking, I sleep too much, I don't care about piles of clean laundry unfolded, or dirty laundry on the floor, or trash everywhere... Nothing seems to bother me anymore.

    I don't take ANY medication other than Levothyroxine. I don't have a therapist or psychologist because I'm afraid of my mom thinking I'm crazy or stupid or something... I'm homeschooled because in 7th grade (1) I was bullied for a false rumor saying I was gay and I wasn't. Eventually I was stabbed and left school. I've been alone in my room every day of my life since then... I don't have any friends online on any social networking sites. (Facebook, Myspace, MyYearBook, Chatango, MakeOutClub, and here.) My friends lists all say 0, only some days it will say 1 from a random person who I might like talking to for a day or two, then they neglect me or stop talking...

    Some days I even go insane and depressed a lot that I just remove everything from my phones, delete accounts, numbers, people, everything... And I lock myself in my room all the time. :/

    I'm trying to look for a job (somewhat..) But I think I LOOK too young that no one will want to hire me... I'm looking for a job so I can leave home and find my own apartment to try and deal with myself, instead of leaving my messes and problems to my mom. And I just want to be alone really..

    I don't know what to do in my life at all. I have nothing to pick up excitedly and think "I HAVE TO DO BETTER!" I just don't feel that feeling, ever. :/
    I don't feel anything. I even contemplate suicide constantly by either a method of slow self-harm using substances, or <edit mod total eclipse method>.
    I don't really want to do that though, I feel like I should keep trying (even though I don't think I'm trying hard enough.), and I psychologically can't cry, yell or scream. I also have severe social anxiety if that helps anything. I don't talk to anyone really, because everyone's too different to me. I feel like I'm far behind my generation.
    I've tried to make random friends in person at malls and stuff... I couldn't even talk or buy anything even if I had $200. I just don't feel anything...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 18, 2012
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOu need to talk to your parents they will not think you are crazy they will see you are depressed and need help talk to a councillor at your school a teacher someone you an get councilling there as well Just get talking ok time to get help NOW hugs