I don't want to carry on anymore :(

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by KatieUK, Sep 23, 2008.

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  1. KatieUK

    KatieUK New Member

    I'm 21, female, UK. I've been depressed and anxious all my life, I left school early with no friends because of my depression during my teen years. I spent the next few years at home not seeing anyone.. I got even more depressed. I don't have a friend in the world.

    I started University this week, I thought it was the first step to getting my life back to normal and to get better. It's been just a few days but I know already that I'm not cut out for...life. I just can't cope.. All these people are so confident and happy and loud, they've all made friends and I'm just sat there, quiet as a mouse, unable to speak. Not that they even speak to me, I might as well not be there, they've all ignored me so far.

    I realized that no matter how much I try to get my life back together from the hell I went through in my teenage years, I just can't, nothing works, I just get put down even further. I honestly give up now. I'll never be like "them", the normal people, with their normal lives... My past years with depression and anxiety will always fuck things up for me.

    Right now this is where I'm at:

    I either:

    A) Go through 3 years in University and suffer a mental breakdown


    B) Quit university, isolate myself all over again and ruin my life for good.

    I'm seriously getting suicidal thoughts. I don't see the point in trying anymore, I'm not living. I'm existing, i wander aimlessly from class to class, each time just wanting to break down.

  2. Robin

    Robin Guest

    The people you see having a good time are probably not having half as good a time as you think they are and while they're getting drunk proving to everyone they are fun and happy you'll be passing your degree with a first :)
  3. kenny

    kenny Well-Known Member

    Hi Katie, welcome to SF

    I think that sometimes one can make situations into a self-fulfilling prophecy. You've got this shot at Uni, grab it with both hands and go for it. Perhaps your coursemates are feeding off your low self-esteem and that is part of the problem of them 'ignoring' you. To be honest I think its more likely that they don't know how to approach you.

    There are bound to be people who feel the same as you at Uni. and there are plenty of groups that form that perhaps you can join. You must have some hobbies or interests? One way to get yourself noticed, that I did, was to become one of the volunteers at the Union at Heriot-Watt. that way you are forced to interact with people, and more importantly have people interact with you.

    Are you living on campus? because that can often make a big difference too.

    Don't forget that there will be student counselling available. There will be a lot of scared 'freshers' struggling to find their feet, just like you.

    Hang in there, its only been a few days.

    Best wishes
  4. 643921

    643921 Active Member

    Everyone is in the same boat, they don't know anyone else and are trying to find people too. Try throwing yourself in, I know its really hard because I have the same problem but if theres a group sat down talking try to just walk up and join them and if they're freshers like you they usually won't mind because you're all trying to do the same thing.
  5. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    there are much worse things in the world then not being part of the "college scene". many of those people never graduate, or they barely scrape by. my recommendation to you would be to get your nose to the grindstone. work hard, study, do well academically, and you may meet some friends a little less boistrous as time goes on, especially if you get involved in study groups. they are good socially and academically.
    don't give up, college is hard, but worth it.
  6. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    First impression I had at university: OH MY GOD I DON'T BELONG HERE!

    First impression everyone else had at university: OH MY GOD I DON'T BELONG HERE!

    It's normal to come home crying after your first week. The people you see laughing are TERRIFIED.

    I'm extremely shy, and I did not do well in high school. I didn't think there was any possible way to survive there... But I came out of first year with more friends than I ever had in high school, and better grades than anyone I knew.
  7. Chernarus

    Chernarus Well-Known Member

    theres no such thing as normal those people could be very fucked up individuals but there good at hiding it your life will never go back to what it was so focus on the now and create your self a new life its hard im still fucked up but i go on with my new life but its better than living in the past.
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Katie. Make the most of your university years, while your there. I sometimes look back to when I was university and wished that I had gotten more involved in clubs and groups etc. Give it some more time. You will meet people who are in a similar situation as you and make some friends. I think that you should give it your best shot. Don't worry yourself about the possibility of having a mental breakdown. You can do it. Just believe in yourself. :hug:
  9. KatieUK

    KatieUK New Member

    Thanks guys :arms:
    It's not getting any better. I know i know, still the first week but i think there's something wrong with me. I'm sitting there, next to random people in my class and they have been nice enough with me recently, but the whole time it feels like my world is crashing in on me. For no reason. I feel so unbelievably depressed.

    I went in today and we started our first project, i couldn't even concentrate on it. They were all writing and planning what they were doing and I couldn't do anything. I sat there and all i could hear was the loud people in class laughing and shouting and joking with each other. The whole time I was wishing for the roof to just crash in on me and put me out of my misery. :unsure:

    And im on the right course. I love the subject. But i cant seem to function, my depression has gotten so bad since i started.

    Im getting more and more depressed each day. When I come home I sit down and cry for most of the night, every night. I dont want to go to sleep because of that feeling of dread for going back there.

    But If i dont go, I'll end up a recluse again and fuck my life up altogether. I feel so trapped. I just want out now.
  10. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    :hug: Katie :hug:
  11. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member


    As you rightly said, its still the first week. It took me about a year to get my friend group that I have now, and I have absolutely great friends. University is a tough time for anyone, but if you commit it can be a very exciting time too! Don't worry about meeting people. Sooner or later you will have to do a group project or have a practical that you will have to do with someone else. What are you studying by the way? As far as the depression is concerned, I know where you're coming from. My depression went untreated from when I was 16 until last year when I was 22. I did well in my first 2 years, and could have finished in the 4 years that I was supposed to, but the depression just became too much and I caved. I'm doing the one subject that I didn't pass last year and this year again for the 3rd time next year.. I know what it feels like not being able to function, not being able to concentrate. That is why it is so vital that you work with your doctor to figure out what is causing your depression. I'm still not 100%, but at least I can get some work done now (still have my bad days when I can't do anything..). Anyways, let us know how it goes and best of luck!
  12. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    I hope evrything wil work out for you. unfortunetly i have never had the chance to go to uni, and i probably never will. although i would love to go to uni, i keep on thinkin that theres no point they take one look and then be lik ermmmm NO. at least you are there, make the most of it. just try settling in to a new routine on its own is hard anought withought having to struggle with depressuin and anxiety. all the best

    [sorry bout spelling i am extremely tirredllll
  13. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Universities, to be sure, like mature students... I'm not sure if I followed your point properly, but they do like mature students.
  14. shazzer

    shazzer Well-Known Member

    Try and hang in there at uni it may take you a little while to settle in properly and make some good friends but you will I'm sure. Are you on any meds for your depression if you are it may be worth talking to your doctor and maybe increasing the dose a bit while you settle in to uni. Good luck with it all :hug:
  15. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Katie,
    I agree with Dave N, you should check out the different clubs on campus. Who knows you just might find one that is right up your ally. You know they say one smile is worth a thousand words. I know you are depressed but try to smile a little at a time.
    I never smile because my dad drilled it into me and then I joined the Marines and they hammer you with it, you never smile. So now adays that I am a civilian again I just can't bring myself to smile. Everyone I talk with are intiminated by me because they think I am pissed off all the time.
    My therapist gets me to smile every now and then. She cracks up laughing when she does. It's like a game to her to get ole Joseph to smile. Katie I want you to know you can make alot of friends here on the forum, and they will help the best we can to help you!! I think right now you need to find one friend and get comfortable with her/him then you can start adding more to the list. I hope some of this helps. Just because you are shy from your past you need to let that go. The past is something you don't need hanging around your neck because there isn't anything you can do to change it. and the future hasn't happened yet. Just work on the now and thats the best you can do for now. Take Care!!~Joseph~
  16. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    heya sorry bout last night i was very tired. i was menna say to stick to ur guns, and hopefully you will acheive. i hope you find friends, or even some one just to talk to on campus... depression and anxiety can be hard to deal with on your own, so please talk to someone, maybe one of your tutors. i agree with dave n and stranger. try joining in some campus activities. it might be a good experience. good luck hunni. let us now how you are doing x
  17. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    Hey Katie, I can tell you for sure that there are a lot of people in your exact same position, myself included, though I'm in my last year of college.

    There's a lot of college students that are miserable and its made worse when they see they are completely surrounded by other students who are so happy, having the time of their life, while you are miserable and even thinking of quitting school or killing yourself. I know it makes things much worse, you feel extremely isolated and alone, its the exact same for me.

    I as the pathetic person I am, still haven't joined any clubs or groups, but like others have said, its a really good idea. I'm sure you will find one with people who can really relate to you. And there are counseling groups and support for first year students especially.

    Everyone says that many of those you see who are so happy at college are inside scared and depressed, not having a perfect life like you think they are.
    I do find it very hard to believe, they must be hiding it VERY WELL. I always feel like the only one depressed and miserable at my college whereas the other 30,000 students are so happy and perfect.

    You are far from alone. I know there's a lot of college students here on this particular forum who dislike college, its a struggle and are frustrated that everyone else is having a good time except for them. You'll find people who can really relate to you here at least. I hope things will get better for you there. :smile:
  18. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Katie,
    I just thought of something that was suggested to me. See if you can get a front row seat. Buy yourself a pocket recorder and a couple of xtra tapes for it. Record what your instructor is talking about. This might help take off some of the pressure you are experienceing. Later when you are doing work from home play back the tape so you don't miss anything. Just A Thought!! Give it a go. Take Care!!~Joseph~
  19. Sham

    Sham New Member

    Hi Katie....

    I think you maybe surprised by just how much you can overcome if you have the will... guess the hardest thing is keeping that will alive... like others here have said, those that seem happy are usually not, likewise and im making an assumption, some of the daily roles of people here might surprise you, we are all just human behind our titles, uniforms and roles, a lot of things can sometimes be just superficial ?
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