I don't want to commit suicide, but sometimes I think about commiting suicide

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by big_boi97, Dec 9, 2012.

  1. big_boi97

    big_boi97 New Member

    The same way that I don't want to commit crime, but sometimes I think about commiting crime. Clearly I'm not a happy person, and this is the main reason for this. I do suffer from depression but I don't think I'm the typical sort of depressed person, I spend all of my time at home I hardly ever go anywhere with my friends. I go out once in a blue moon when my friends invite me places. But don't get me wrong, going out with friends isn't what I want, the main thing I want in my life is women and I don't have that so that's the main reason why I'm depressed and think like this. I'm a 23 year old man. As I said I stay in all the time, recently I wasn't working so there was times when I would stay in the house for 3 weeks straight. In the past it has been longer than this. But then I started working in a call centre, and that job was easy for me as I kept myself to myself and just made my phonecalls. Then I was made redundant and I just started working in a sports shop. I've only just started, but I know this is the wrong job for me. I knew that when I applied, but I need money this is why I applied. Because I keep myself to myself, and I'm not a normal person, I know for sure I don't have good customer service skills, a job like this is definitely wrong for me. Here is a little insight into my mind, which shows you I clearly don't have a normal mind. Sometimes I think to myself, I look a bit scary and that's why people look at me funny. But I know that's just me being paranoid, they're probably not looking at me funny. But then sometimes I approach women I like (because shyness is not one of my problems, my problem is that all these women say to me is no no no no no no no no no no and that drives me crazy, makes me not wanna exist anymore). But this here is just something that happened to me on my first day at work in the sports shop. As I said sometimes I think people look at me funny. Well there was this woman in the shop, a young mother with her young child. She didn't look at me funny at all, the was very nice and polite to me and I thought to myself, wow it's almost as if I'm this girls friend the way she's speaking to me. If only she knew what was going through my mind at the time, the fact that I just wanted to have sex with her as I'm a sexually frustrated man if you didn't already guess, I bet she wouldn't of been that polite to me. As I said though, I feel I have bad customer service skills. But I'm not dumb, I try my best to be polite to the customer, and basically put on a act to look like this nice polite person. I have many situations like this, where I think to myself, is that girl trying to send me some signals? I know she probably isn't, as sometimes I say something and always get shut down so lately I just say to myself, what is the point in trying when I keep failing? So lately when I see a nice girl, I just walk past her but as I said it has nothing to do with being shy, cause I'm not. I know there's clearly something wrong with my mind. I think things that I know for a fact isn't normal. My problem is I don't even know if I will ever be able to fix my mind and start thinking correctly. I know this post is a bit jumbled up, and it might not make much sense so I will list some lines below that apply to my life, and that might let you understand me more.

    At age 19 I was circumcised (I had no depression or suicide thoughts before this)
    Since I only got cut at age 19, that means I only experienced sex feelings at age 19. I masturbated for the first time at age 19 and never quite got over that part of my life that I missed, I remember being age 14 15 in school and seeing the boys with the girls, but at that time the girls didn't interest me.

    After getting cut I developed a strong addiction to porn, which I still have now

    Between age 19 and 23 I had sex with 5 girls, 3 of them were prostitutes. I know I'm a jealous person, and that's where part of my crime thoughts come from. For example in my last call centre job, there was loads of young people there. I remember this one guy who was 18 and they asked him how many girls he had sex with, I don't remember the number but I know it was quite high. Definitely more than 10. Hearing things like that drive me crazy, and I just feel like I missed out on that, then it makes me wanna kill him or something I know these thoughts are wrong, as I said I'm not dumb.

    It's pretty much the story of my life really, going crazy over the smallest of things. This shows that I don't think in a normal way. Most of my problems come from girls, but I can't blame them it's just the way I feel and I hate feeling this way. I don't know what it is, I just feel so messed up. I've spoke to one family member about this and told him of my suicide thoughts, but I don't think he understands how much this affects me. He was saying no you can't commit suicide over something so small like that. Well the thing is everyone is different, something small to him is big to me and vice versa.