I don't want to commit suicide, but sometimes I think about it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by big_boi97, Dec 9, 2012.

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  1. big_boi97

    big_boi97 New Member

    The same way that I don't want to commit crime, but sometimes I think about commiting crime. Clearly I'm not a happy person, and this is the main reason for this. I do suffer from depression but I don't think I'm the typical sort of depressed person, I spend all of my time at home I hardly ever go anywhere with my friends. I go out once in a blue moon when my friends invite me places. But don't get me wrong, going out with friends isn't what I want, the main thing I want in my life is women and I don't have that so that's the main reason why I'm depressed and think like this. I'm a 23 year old man. As I said I stay in all the time, recently I wasn't working so there was times when I would stay in the house for 3 weeks straight. In the past it has been longer than this. But then I started working in a call centre, and that job was easy for me as I kept myself to myself and just made my phonecalls. Then I was made redundant and I just started working in a sports shop. I've only just started, but I know this is the wrong job for me. I knew that when I applied, but I need money this is why I applied. Because I keep myself to myself, and I'm not a normal person, I know for sure I don't have good customer service skills, a job like this is definitely wrong for me. Here is a little insight into my mind, which shows you I clearly don't have a normal mind. Sometimes I think to myself, I look a bit scary and that's why people look at me funny. But I know that's just me being paranoid, they're probably not looking at me funny. But then sometimes I approach women I like (because shyness is not one of my problems, my problem is that all these women say to me is no no no no no no no no no no and that drives me crazy, makes me not wanna exist anymore). But this here is just something that happened to me on my first day at work in the sports shop. As I said sometimes I think people look at me funny. Well there was this woman in the shop, a young mother with her young child. She didn't look at me funny at all, the was very nice and polite to me and I thought to myself, wow it's almost as if I'm this girls friend the way she's speaking to me. If only she knew what was going through my mind at the time, the fact that I just wanted to have sex with her as I'm a sexually frustrated man if you didn't already guess, I bet she wouldn't of been that polite to me. As I said though, I feel I have bad customer service skills. But I'm not dumb, I try my best to be polite to the customer, and basically put on a act to look like this nice polite person. I have many situations like this, where I think to myself, is that girl trying to send me some signals? I know she probably isn't, as sometimes I say something and always get shut down so lately I just say to myself, what is the point in trying when I keep failing? So lately when I see a nice girl, I just walk past her but as I said it has nothing to do with being shy, cause I'm not. I know there's clearly something wrong with my mind. I think things that I know for a fact isn't normal. My problem is I don't even know if I will ever be able to fix my mind and start thinking correctly. I know this post is a bit jumbled up, and it might not make much sense so I will list some lines below that apply to my life, and that might let you understand me more.

    At age 19 I was circumcised (I had no depression or suicide thoughts before this)
    Since I only got cut at age 19, that means I only experienced sex feelings at age 19. I masturbated for the first time at age 19 and never quite got over that part of my life that I missed, I remember being age 14 15 in school and seeing the boys with the girls, but at that time the girls didn't interest me.

    After getting cut I developed a strong addiction to porn, which I still have now

    Between age 19 and 23 I had sex with 5 girls, 3 of them were prostitutes. I know I'm a jealous person, and that's where part of my crime thoughts come from. For example in my last call centre job, there was loads of young people there. I remember this one guy who was 18 and they asked him how many girls he had sex with, I don't remember the number but I know it was quite high. Definitely more than 10. Hearing things like that drive me crazy, and I just feel like I missed out on that, then it makes me wanna kill him or something I know these thoughts are wrong, as I said I'm not dumb.

    It's pretty much the story of my life really, going crazy over the smallest of things. This shows that I don't think in a normal way. Most of my problems come from girls, but I can't blame them it's just the way I feel and I hate feeling this way. I don't know what it is, I just feel so messed up. I've spoke to one family member about this and told him of my suicide thoughts, but I don't think he understands how much this affects me. He was saying no you can't commit suicide over something so small like that. Well the thing is everyone is different, something small to him is big to me and vice versa.
  2. lordsalisbury

    lordsalisbury Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you're feeling bad.

    Dude, that doesn't make you odd, that makes you a normal man. That's what every guy is thinking (and feeling guilty about thinking) when he talks to an attractive woman, it's what keeps the species going. The comedian Chris Rock does a very funny bit where he says something like "ladies, if a man is being nice to you, it's because he's offering you d**k."

    And pretty much any guy who asks you how many women you've slept with, is exaggerating his own answer. I guarantee it.

    Hope you are ok.
  3. big_boi97

    big_boi97 New Member

    Thanks, and yes I've seen the chris rock clip but I don't think the thoughts I get are that of a normal man. For example, talking to family members of mine who are my age, and asking them when did you first masturbate and they say to me young ages like 10 11 12 13 that drives me crazy when I hear that. Seeing young teenage boys with girls also drives me crazy (but don't get me wrong it's not like I wanna get with the teenage girl, I just wish I was into girls when I was a teenager). Wanting to rape a woman just because I think that is the only way I will ever get sex off her. I know thoughts like that aren't normal, but I get them. I guess my main problem is jealousy. Cause yes, I know it's normal for a man to be attracted to women. But it just drives me crazy when I know I have tried to hard and got nowhere, when I know guys who don't even try that much and they get it.

    Oh and with the exaggeration, I can agree that some guys do that and I didn't know this guy from anywhere so it's not exactly like I'm gonna believe him. But there are other men who I've asked, and these are men I can trust I know they're not lying. I'm talking about close friends or family members (they wouldn't be lying). I've asked them and most of them all have high numbers of girls they've been with. I don't really know how to explain it, but sometimes I just think to myself will I ever get out of this rut and start living a normal life? Will I ever get married and have children? And cause I think the answer is no, this is why I sometimes think about commiting suicide but as I said before I don't wanna do it. I've never tried to do it, just sometimes in certain situations think of it. I know I'm not normal, that's a fact. Here's something that I use to do a little while ago. As I said lately I haven't been approaching nice girls I like, but sometimes I do. But about 18 months ago, that was a time when I was doing nothing with my life. Had no job, and would stay at home for 6 weeks at a time sometimes. The only time I ever left the house would be to visit my nan or maybe another family member. Or if my family was going out, and I didn't wanna say no again (as I use to say no a lot) I would go with them. They don't understand how messed up I am, for me going out alone is a task. Why? Because I know I'm gonna see nice girls, and I know I ain't getting sex off any of them so it just drives me crazy. It's like a tramp going to a food factory and getting no food. Oh but the thing I use to do. Well this was the time when I was at home all the time, so on the odd occasion when I was out. I would make the effort to look good and smell nice. I say that because in my staying in period I pretty much lived like a tramp, since I was always at home and mostly in my room, I only bathed like once every 5 days, and did not take any care of my appearence. But going out, I said to myself. Let me make the effort, make use of my time out since I'm always home. So while I'm out, I'd say to myself, ok let me talk to atleast 3 girls tonight. And I would do that a lot, sometimes more than 3 but I never got anywhere with any of them. The furthest I ever got with a girl was to her phone number. And this has happened to me many times, and it drives me nuts. I see a girl, talk to her, ask for her number and she gives it to me. Then I try calling or texting so that I try to arrange a time to go out with her. But it has never reached this stage. Some of them would just stop answering my calls. Some of them would be straight up with me and say they'd rather not go out with me (and these are the ones I respect, I think the other ones deserve something bad to happen to them. Why would they give me their phone number, get my hopes up so I think I'm gonna get sex off them, then I get nowhere with them. As I said the furthest I ever got was a phone number.)
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 9, 2012
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