I don't want to deal with legal/divorce stuff & my father anymore

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by sa-chan, Jul 18, 2016.

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  1. sa-chan

    sa-chan Active Member

    I guess this is going to be a bit negative so a (small apology) in advance but I really have to vent my mood just dropped very hard even in my eyes.

    I'm still studying for some big exams and now my father just called me about some legal stuff again (I won't go too much into detail for privacy's sake, but just for context I live in central Europe). Basically it's about him not being able to pay my allowance anymore (he's unemployed) which currently ends up racking up debts on his side. He's been talking around stuff for half an hour but I think basically he wants me to come to his attorney and have me sign something (still not sure what but I guess it might in some way state that I don't want the allowance even though I would still get it). I feel my father has kind of tried manipulating me but I fear a lawyer might be even worse. I'm not going to sign if it means not having a replacement for the money. But then again he's now threatening with suicide.

    Basically my father is using me for a new round of divorce fun?! Should I just start to completely ignore him? (My brother would get really angry I guess and I don't want to be mean to him.) I can't afford an attorney but I can't trust my father one's at all.

    I will probably bring it up to my mom (nice try dad telling me not to tell her) but she will likely tell me to just not do anything which is easy to say for her since she doesn't have to deal with my father like I have to. Or she will get angry and rant about my father for hours.

    Worst of all I don't have time for this shit. It already cost me three hours because of the resulting mood and I really have to study (otherwise I'm again one year further away from financial independence).

    I really don't want to deal with people anymore it's killing me.
    I feel like I only wrote about half the shit going on and it's already too much for me ugh.
  2. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Staff Member Safety & Support

    Focus on your studies, as hard as it is you need to do the best you can so as to not delay your independence. Don't sign any waiver/release especially not based on any side (oral) promises to still pay anyway; if his intention is to pay it, then there is no need for the waiver.

    Explain to him that you are under pressure from school and cannot deal with it at this time, which he should not only understand but also respect if he wants you to do well. Maybe ask him to have his lawyer put the request/arrangement in writing so you can look it over later. If you have any space after your exams and he is still pressuring or trying to persuade you, ask him to pay for an independent lawyer for you to properly understand what he is asking, and you/ you along with your mother choose one. If it is to ultimately save him money, he should be willing to at least pay for you to get a fair consultation with someone not acting for him.
    His lawyer will not give you impartial advice or what's in your best interest.

    Threatening suicide to get you waive legal rights is manipulation pretty much at its highest.
    sa-chan likes this.
  3. sa-chan

    sa-chan Active Member

    Thanks for your reply, I will make sure not to sign anything this week no matter what. If I sign a waiver this might even impair my eligibilty for scholarship which would be bad (but as said I don't even really know what it's exactly).

    I will push for him to go to his lawyer's office alone and send me the arrangement in writing to avoid some potentially ugly moments. My mother was actually quite supportive but I really didn't expect him to bring this stuff up now. As far as I understand he also wants to go to court with her again - clearly a case of 'I don't have no money'...

    Honestly after having calmed down from my breakdown today I see things a bit differently. I don't think he can understand me not having time for his stuff but I really lost patience with him (and still feel bad about just ignoring him ugh). There's less and less holding me back from also playing dirty. It kind of hurts but I don't really see much alternatives left. I guess the only difficult thing is not straining the relationship with my brother but I guess ultimately I can't control the lies my father tells him nor what he choses to belive in. Of course right now there is still not that much incentive for him to talk bad about me but it might change (I will try to leave not so much surface for accusations).

    Honestly I don't buy his talk anymore. He's threatened with suicide in the past but at this point, even if he ended up actually doing it I don't think signing a piece of paper would have changed his mind.

    He achieved me feeling kinda bad about him though and I'm a bit angry for that. He wasn't really around a lot when I was a child so I shouldn't feel bad for him. If he didn't want me he should have not become a father in the first place - it wasn't my decision after all. The way he manipulates is hilarious because on one side you feel like treated a child because his talking is so obvious (repeating words, skipping things, etc.) on the other hand it still affects me a bit.
    AlexiMarie7 likes this.
  4. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm glad that you calmed down, and your thinking sounds very rational re understanding that if he did follow through on threat it would not have been your fault.
    Divorce is hard on everyone involved, including the children. But the parents/spouses are really meant, as far as possible to insulate the children from the negativity of it; they should not try to use them as pawns or guilt trip them, or to burden them even more.
    Definitely get something in writing to review, or just let him have the court review and make another decision; the stress should not be put on you.

    Good luck with the exams!
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