I don't want to deal with this anymore.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ForeverAlone, Aug 30, 2011.

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  1. ForeverAlone

    ForeverAlone Member

    Hi guys. This is my first time posting here, and I hope this gets approved because I really want/need some guidance. This may turn out to be very long because I have a lot to confide but I thank anyone who is considerate enough to read all of it.
    * This may contain triggers, there's some self-harm and abuse written down in here.

    Right now I am a 16 year old girl living in Vancouver, British Columbia. I don't really know where this started but I've been suicidal since I was seven years old. The very first time I tried to kill myself, I was watching a Medieval program about an uncle smothering his royal nephews to death with a pillow, so I decided to try it. I guess I wasn't "suicidal" back then, I didn't even know what the word meant.

    I have been through a lot for only being 16. I have been picked on and had bad things happen to me my entire life. Kids in my elementary school hurt and picked on me so much I had to move school 3 times. They would call me names, slam my head into doors, smack me, and when I'd run to the girls washroom to cry they'd send all the women in to harass me for no reason. I was a really good kid who liked to help people and draw.

    I thought it would change in high school but no. People were even worse. I've had everything thrown at me, from pudding, to fireworks, to just paper out of a window on the third floor. Kids smacked me with books, hurt me, and made me cry. They threatened to kill me, and stressed me out.

    In grade 9 I suffered from self-harm, the endorphins made me happy. I dont know how that started. I was able to stop after a few months with a very rare relapse once in a while. I wrote a suicide note in grade 9 that I was unlucky enough that my friend found before I could even do it. Of course, my unloving parents were informed and the school made a big deal out of it. I guess I was too immature back then to see that I really wanted/needed help. I talked to youth service workers and whatnot about my note.

    I had wrote some stuff about what my parents do, they smoke weed and drink a lot. I know people say weed isn't addictive and that it can't harm you but it really does hurt when they do it. When they don't get their weed, they're very irritable and yell/scream at me. My parents never made time for me as a kid. They were always busy working or they paid attention to my little brother/bigger sister. They used to just give me money in place of love and care. I would go to a movie and they'd give me at LEAST $100.
    I feel like they don't love me at all. My mother specifically. When I was 13, she told me that she had run away as a teenager and that she just wanted me to run away. When I was sitting in my room, crying during my suicide note ordeal, she told me that I'd better cover up her and my dad with lies or else when I'm put into a foster home, my foster parents would rape me. I lied about them smoking weed, etc. because I was scared.
    When I was 14, I had scribbled down on a notepad a few plans to run away. My mother found these, crept up on me one night when I was on the computer and said into my ear "If you run away, don't ever come back. If you come back, I will fucking kill you."

    So like I said, in this ordeal I had a boyfriend. He broke up with me for being suicidal. We weren't very serious as a couple but it still made me so sad. I thought I "loved" him when I indeed did not. A few days after we broke up, I found out he liked this girl and that she had run away from home. I went out and found her, let her live with me for 3 months. They dated while she lived with me. It really hurt, I had to deal with her suicidal thoughts, put mine aside, put my feelings aside for my ex, talk to the police/her mother about her, it was a mess.

    Since I have been bullied so much, I prefer to be alone. I don't like people and will often cancel on people when I just dont feel like leaving the house. I am very anti-social and have been for my entire life so I am not good at socializing or keeping stable friendships/relationships. So having to be with someone for 3 months every day was very very tough on me. She eventually went to live with her cousins.

    In September, 2 years ago, I got into a relationship with one of my exes friends. He seemed nice at first. As the relationship progressed, he began to lie, cheat, and emotionally abuse me. It escalated to physical abuse. He would kick me in the ribs, choke me, I remember once he held me down and screamed into my ear that he wanted me to die and that he wants to rib my eyes out of their sockets. He screamed so loud I remember feeling my left ear pop. I suffered in this relationship for over a year before I finally left him. He took my virginity as well.

    I guess I have problems with abandonment. I had a happy period after I broke up with him, I was single but had a lot to do so I was occupied. I had transferred to a new school because the bullying in my old school had gotten too bad.

    I had a brief relationship with someone else around December, he pretty much used me for sexual stuff even though I was very reluctant to do so. I ended that with him myself when he just ignored me and didn't want anything but sex.

    Around April of this year I got into a relationship with a truly amazing guy. He knew how to treat a girl right. He would always love to see me and didn't care about sexual stuff, he just liked being together. He always would make me food if I was hungry, bring me tea and cookies if I happened to fall asleep at his house and wake up, he'd play video games with me and help me clean. I eventually fell in love with him because he just treated me so well.
    Unfortunately I still had bad habits from my abusive relationship and I mistreated him, didn't respect his privacy, didn't learn to forgive him for things when in retrospect I really should have. He however brings things up after we talk them out and it hurts me.

    My family is also going through some really bad financial issues right now, and they are getting more and more irritable. I also ended up asking to repeat grade 11 because when I broke up with my abusive ex, my grades went way way down because I was suicidal and didn't feel like grades mattered.

    So I was stupid I guess, and my boyfriend broke up with me yesterday. I don't want to lose him-- he really was so good to me. He seems very stern and doesn't want to change his mind though. He's breaking up with me because I confided into him that I was suicidal + we were having issues. I don't know how to make him understand that if he supported me instead of hurt me like this I would feel so much better. Thinking about this is making me cry hysterically as I type this, I have neglected eating or taking care of myself for 3 or so days because of this breakup (and the lead-up to it.)

    He agreed that he would hang out with me Saturday if I went and "got help" for my problems. I am trying my hardest to find a therapist or someone who would help me but I can't find anyone who talks to youth in my area at all. I told him we can hang out Saturday and he's not obligated to kiss or cuddle me, etc. as friends.

    I'm so stressed out about all this shit and I really don't know what to do. I don't think I'll be able to hold on any longer. My family life sucks, the financial situations terrible, and I am going to lose someone that legitimately cared about me.
    I'm so scared. I just want to talk to someone. Help me please.
  2. ForeverAlone

    ForeverAlone Member

    Holy crap, I DID write a lot. I guess no one really wants to read so much.
    I will try to make a shortened version later but I really don't know how to shorten such events...I'm sorry...
  3. soapymongoose

    soapymongoose Well-Known Member

    I read it all :)

    You are capable of somebody feeling good and positive feelings for you. Try to dwell on this no matter what happens. Take things as slowly as you possibly can with your ex, he obviously thinks a lot of you to treat you the way he did so maybe he can ultimately forgive you for making a few mistakes and not treating him right.

    Your parents are a destructive influence. It sounds like you need to think about ways to gain independence from them, it is a difficult notion to come to terms with but you sound intelligent enough to pull through :)
  4. ForeverAlone

    ForeverAlone Member

    Thank you for the reply, it means a lot.
    I will try to keep my chin up and find someone to talk about these things to in person.

    It's not so much my dad, my dad is nice to me but my mom isn't too nice. Part of me wants to leave because of my mom but stay because of my dad.
  5. Jelly

    Jelly Well-Known Member

    Very sad to hear...

    I too am in BC and I sympathize and feel your pain. I am so sorry to hear this.

    Please know I am here if you would like to talk about anything. You can grab my msn or email me at Jessica-castle@hotmail.com

    Take care, please know it's not too late, it's never too late.
  6. soapymongoose

    soapymongoose Well-Known Member

    That's not a nice situation, I understand that as I stayed at home for years because of my mother. It was torturous due to me and my stepdad not getting on, but I felt I had to as my mother seemed to need me. He was abusive towards her and I couldn't leave her.

    In my mid-twenties she left him, then a few months later essentially turfed me out so she could go and move back in with him again.

    Life can be hard as fuck. Sometimes it is the little things that keep you going from day to day :)
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