I feel a little bad for continuing to write about every petty emotion and struggle I have day to day. On a fundamental level, I don't want to die. If I were attacked tomorrow, I'd fight tooth and nail because I'm a survivor. I fight my highs and lows and I reach out when I truly need it. I'm not happy but for once I feel like I could be. I'm not pathetically failing my classes. I live in the shadow of a bad childhood but I'm slowly shaping it into something that I can learn from.I'm handling the VERY recent loss of a man that was truly a fixture of my childhood well, all things considered. I have a crush on a boy that bent over backwards to make me laugh today and it worked. So why do I still write? I think I want to prove to people that I can see a way out of this dark hole now, and even if they can't, they can know it exists. I want them to know that I want to help them and want to take care of them. I just don't know how else to do it right now. Does that make any sense? I don't know, which is why I'm posting it in this section.