I don't want to die, but I can't be miserable

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BrianM, Oct 1, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. BrianM

    BrianM New Member

    I've been a depressive since I was a young kid. I'm now 25 and I'm full on mentally ill, and i'm just really fucking sick of working so hard for the good and not succeeding. I'm a fake positive person. I give myself pep talks and try to visualize myself happy and healthy to combat how i really feel. Ultimately I want to be completely happy and mentally emotionally stable. But if that can never happen, why live this life full of torment? I've been going to specialists for years, trying to cure my thyroid problems, and my depression, and hatred for myself and life, but fuck where is the pay off-nothing good has happened yet.

    I'm not like most suicidal people in that I give up on life, i'm constantly fighting the good fight, but sometimes you just gotta cut your loses...
    This is a cry for help, i won't lie. I need something miraculous that will give me a fresh start. I need to buy time in hope that this horrible 25 years is gone, and as a 26 year old all i can do i smile. that's what i want. But how could this all be? I know i'm responsible for my actions, but how is it conducive to live in a body that has a mismatched brain and body chemistry? All i can think of and imagine is laying in my coffin and all my friends and family crying at my funeral. It's just a horrible thing. I'm also too much of a pussy to kill myself just out of some bullshit biblical fear that I will go to hell, or reincarnated into something far worse. I'm at the point where i'd adopt any religion or do anything just for a real chance with an appreciation for living
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Hi Brian, welcome to SF. You've come to the right place. Please keep posting here to let it out and we'll post too with suggestions and our own stories. We help each other here.

    I can tell you are a very serious minded person. I have that too. In fact, I manage to get myself pretty bummed out by being too serious. It's been a challenge and a relief to learn how to balance that. I've been depressed since I was a child and I'm 52 now.

  3. BrianM

    BrianM New Member

    HI chargette. I have always been very serious, and sensitive. I'm the oldest, i'm a depressive, i was teased in school, I see myself as a failure, even though i;ve accomplished more than most people.

    The scary thing is, the fantasy of suicide is alluring and almost enjoyable, but the act itself and the understanding of your own death is just terrifying. I'm a control freak, and I have no business existing. Who's idea was it to bring me to creation?

    I grew up in modesto, fyi ;) Thanks for responding
  4. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Please tell us about your accomplishments. What are the things you like to do?
  5. BrianM

    BrianM New Member

    I have finished high school college and single handedly moved to a new city with no connections and have sustained that environment. I play in a band now, I write music,and I do some singing. I taught myself to stock broke, I also am an avid runner. All while battling depression for my whole life. Everything is more impressive when you know your odds have always been against you
  6. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    These are admirable accomplishments indeed. I see you are putting up a good fight against your depression. I'm curious, have you been to a doctor? Depression runs in my family and there is only so much one can do on their own.

    My son-in-law is in a band and my step father has been in many bands. What kind of music do you play?
  7. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Hey Brian, welcome to SF

    I think you should really consider seeing a consellour. It looks like you have some stuff to hang to in life, you're not exactly lost in despair and just need alittle push to break through your depression. It's totally normal to be afraid to die, no matter how bad we want to kill ourselves, our animal instincts always make us fearful of death. We are made to survive in almost every environment, not kill ourselves.

    Everyone here's a fighter, if we weren't we'd be locked in our rooms plotting our next suicide attempt instead of actually trying to help ourselves and others. We're all here for you whenever you need to talk, so enjoy your stay, I hope your life improves and you find what you seek :smile:
  8. BrianM

    BrianM New Member

    Yeah i've been going to therapists since i was 12. Taken a whole slew of anti-d's and only one of them worked. I don't take them anymore, because they don't seem to work and I have a hard time admitting to myself that i need to be on drugs just to function. I also have problems with the pharmaceutical industry, and I just can't afford to pay a shrink to listen to my problems. They can't provide answers for my hormone inbalance

    Now i see a homeopath, and other alternative drs looking for answers with my mental health, and mainly my thyroid.

    I play guitar, and the vibraphone. I enjoy instrumental music akin to Tortoise, Brian Eno, This mortal Coil

    I am definitely a fighter, and I don't give up. But what's gotten to me lately is thinking that life has passed me by, all while i'm searching for my answers, and being constantly let down. I can't spend my whole life searching, and winding up empty handed. Life should be something to enjoy. I wanna live enthusiasticly
  9. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    I'm a serious guitar and bass player myself. What music you like to play? What gear you use?
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.