I feel terrible, i have no one that i can really talk to, no one I truly trust. I feel extremly depressed and don't feel like doing anything. I just mope around and do nothing. I am 19 years old, have a baby son, and i live with my father and my son's nanny. we have plenty of money, lack nothing, i have a good job as an performer etc etc.. I am young and pretty and should be so happy, but i'm not, i'm not! I feel so empty inside, as though i was made of ice, I can't really feel anything, I feel like I'm acting a lot of the time, not really being myself!! And I am a terrible person! All the people around me now, do all they can for me, treat me really well .. but i act like a total egoist thinking only of myself - I'm not really like that, I want to do good, to help people to love and be loved, but I can't! Something stops me! People who don't know me well think me to be an amazing, selfless person - I'm not, and those who know me better know that.. I am selfish and stupid, and lazy, can't keep promises, and can't do anything right! Everything i do, even if the intentions are good.. always goes wrong in one way or another! I have just made an enemy of my last remaining friend because she got tired of my constantly being depressed without any good reason, not socializing etc etc!! I feel so so down! Does anyone know what I can do to get out of this state?? I should be happy - but I'm not! I am terribly terribly depressed, I feel so empty and useless! And yet I WANT to do good, to help people, to go forward in my career.. but I can't find the motivation to really do it!! I haven't had such a great life till now - i was sexually abused as a child, and was in a very abusive, violent relationship with a much older man for more than a year... but now everything's fine, i SHOULD be happy! What is stopping me?? I don't want to die - but I don't want to live like this! Life could be so beautiful.. but it isnt for me, as much as I want it to be!! I am a stupid person, with a very bad character, and as much as I try, i can't make myself better!!! I have thought about taking my life, so many times, and seriously.. but the truth is I DONT WANT TO DIE! I want to live - but i don't want to live like this! It would be better to die than to live like this!!! Is there no hope for me?? Will this depression and sadness etc without reason last forever, or will i get out of it one day? Or would it just be easier to end it all, my son would be left in good hands, he would be better of without an awful mother like me!! I'm not even a good mother, but i've tried, i have tried, and I am trying!! It would be so much easier just to fall into a deep sleep and never wake up!! But is death peace? Would i find peace there? Or would i go to hell for being a bad person and for taking my own life?? Someone help me, talk to me, say something anything!! I don't want to die, but I don't see anyway out of this tunnel! How can I go on? what for? Just to suffer some more, and then die of old age? far better die now, and leave everyone in peace! I don't know what to do!!! I know I can't continue like this!!!!!!!!! Anyone can help me? I must sound so stupid asking help from a group of strangers on the internet! But i just don't know who else to ask!