I don't want to die.. but I don't want to keep living like this!!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Cosmopolitan1313, Jun 7, 2012.

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  1. Cosmopolitan1313

    Cosmopolitan1313 New Member

    I feel terrible, i have no one that i can really talk to, no one I truly trust. I feel extremly depressed and don't feel like doing anything. I just mope around and do nothing. I am 19 years old, have a baby son, and i live with my father and my son's nanny. we have plenty of money, lack nothing, i have a good job as an performer etc etc.. I am young and pretty and should be so happy, but i'm not, i'm not! I feel so empty inside, as though i was made of ice, I can't really feel anything, I feel like I'm acting a lot of the time, not really being myself!! And I am a terrible person! All the people around me now, do all they can for me, treat me really well .. but i act like a total egoist thinking only of myself - I'm not really like that, I want to do good, to help people to love and be loved, but I can't! Something stops me! People who don't know me well think me to be an amazing, selfless person - I'm not, and those who know me better know that.. I am selfish and stupid, and lazy, can't keep promises, and can't do anything right! Everything i do, even if the intentions are good.. always goes wrong in one way or another! I have just made an enemy of my last remaining friend because she got tired of my constantly being depressed without any good reason, not socializing etc etc!! I feel so so down! Does anyone know what I can do to get out of this state?? I should be happy - but I'm not! I am terribly terribly depressed, I feel so empty and useless! And yet I WANT to do good, to help people, to go forward in my career.. but I can't find the motivation to really do it!!
    I haven't had such a great life till now - i was sexually abused as a child, and was in a very abusive, violent relationship with a much older man for more than a year... but now everything's fine, i SHOULD be happy! What is stopping me??
    I don't want to die - but I don't want to live like this! Life could be so beautiful.. but it isnt for me, as much as I want it to be!! I am a stupid person, with a very bad character, and as much as I try, i can't make myself better!!! I have thought about taking my life, so many times, and seriously.. but the truth is I DONT WANT TO DIE! I want to live - but i don't want to live like this! It would be better to die than to live like this!!! Is there no hope for me?? Will this depression and sadness etc without reason last forever, or will i get out of it one day? Or would it just be easier to end it all, my son would be left in good hands, he would be better of without an awful mother like me!! I'm not even a good mother, but i've tried, i have tried, and I am trying!! It would be so much easier just to fall into a deep sleep and never wake up!! But is death peace? Would i find peace there? Or would i go to hell for being a bad person and for taking my own life?? Someone help me, talk to me, say something anything!! I don't want to die, but I don't see anyway out of this tunnel! How can I go on? what for? Just to suffer some more, and then die of old age? far better die now, and leave everyone in peace! I don't know what to do!!! I know I can't continue like this!!!!!!!!! Anyone can help me? I must sound so stupid asking help from a group of strangers on the internet! But i just don't know who else to ask!
  2. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    I recognise many of the feelings you describe. It sounds like you have been through so much more than you realise - sexual abuse is an appalling thing for anyone to have to suffer.

    I'm here to talk to if you need either on this thread or by PM - have you talked honestly about this to anyone in person? Have you sought medical help?

    Depression is an illness - in the sense that it is non-discriminating. I empathise with the feeling that you have no good reason for it.

    But does anybody have to justify being ill?

    Feel free to reply or PM - it's 11.40 here - I don't know where you're based - if I don't initially respond it's because I've inadvertantly fallen asleep - but I will respond ASAP.

    You deserve better.

    Much love,
  3. Cosmopolitan1313

    Cosmopolitan1313 New Member

    Hi Chris, thanks for the answer. I have tried to talk to people about this, but they just say get on with life, stop being silly, stop living in the past etc etc... they don't take it seriously - quite understandably as there IS no real reason why i should feel like this! the things that happened.. i should have go over them by now, the past is the past, i should just forget it, but i can't really!! And NOW i have everything - everything!! I shouls be so happy! Why do I feel like this? Is there a way out? Medical help .. yes, i've tried that, but the psychologists just make me feel worse not better, and the drugs they prescribe.. well i don't trust myself with that stuff. Is there a way out? DId you ever feel like this? if yes, tell me please, how did you get out of it?? I can't live all my life in this dark pit! It's unbearable!! What should I do???????!!!!
  4. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    The past may be the past, but we heal in our own time. If you need more time, then people should afford you it. As I've said - there does not need to be a reason - when I attempted - I could not understand how I'd got that low. But I got that low - these things happen.

    If people are saying these feelings are silly - and you know this is not the case because of their seriousness - then you need to find someone be it here or in person who will listen and accept what you are saying.

    Counselling and therapy can be hard to go through with, but I'd consider strongly to stick at it. As to meds, talk to your doctor about them. They are the experts...and ask those around you who care to help you.

    If you are feeling this way then denial by others simply disempowers you further.
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