I don't want to die but

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by goinggoing, Jun 8, 2007.

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  1. goinggoing

    goinggoing New Member

    For the last 7 years I have been considering suicide. For the last four years I have been thinking about it more seriously. I left my wife four years ago after I found out she cheated on me. Since then I have been unable to have a healthy relationship. I am damaged and hurt. I am depressed and quiet. No one wants to be with me and I am so unhappy by myself. I have been in a lot of relationships and none have worked out. I don't blame the women I've been with it is me.

    For the last month and a half I have been trying to get back together with my separated wife. I poured my heart out to her and told her how much I needed her but she keeps pushing me away. I can see there is no way it is going to happen. She is the only one that can help me. My only family is my sister and she is close friends with my separated wife and hardly speaks to me.

    The only thing that has kept me around is my daughter. I love her. Lately when she leaves every Sunday night it only deepens the wound. The world ends when she leaves. I have come up with a few ways to make my suicide look like an accident so she isn't as hurt.

    I have some things to do before I kill myself that will take a few months. I'm hoping something happens in this time that will change how I feel. I don't think this will happen because nothing has changed for four years.

    Lately I have been working out and eating healthy. I have tried as hard as I can to improve my life. I am not the least bit happier that I was four years ago. It makes me feel even worse because I could have just laid around depressed and still have felt the same. So much effort for absolutely nothing.

    I only wish my wife would realize how much I need her. If she would help me I would cherish her forever and treat her the best I could. I've told her all of that and it doesn't make any difference to her.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 8, 2007
  2. Wonkey Toy

    Wonkey Toy Member

    You have to understand that you think you need her but in fact you need the memories, the good times when you were ok and your health was ok.
    you are not ready for a relationship because you need to take care of yourself.
    and when you will be ok and you will heal from this relationship, you will find someone who really loves you back.

    Take care of yourself, you have a daugther, that is important.
    c.
     
  3. goinggoing

    goinggoing New Member

    you don't understand that i can't have a good realtionship because no matter who it is they can't make me happier than living with my wife and daughter. i tried but i always start thinking that i could have so much more and be so much happier. i can not settle for second best. this is my life and i want to be as happy as i can. i have decided to stick with it even though every day it seems the chances of us being together again shrink. i'm going to give it all that i have for as long as i can. when i'm satisfied that i've done everything i can and it doesn't work out then i will kill myself.
     
  4. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member


    if you do that , then where would that leave your daughter?

    Do you want her to grow up without you?

    i lost my mom when i was 15 years old and i did not want to lose her but i did. Even thought i was almost an adult it still hurt when i lost her because i never got to know her really and it hurts..

    if your daughter lost you i am sure that she would miss you...
     
  5. goinggoing

    goinggoing New Member

    i know what you mean. my daughter is really the only reason i am still here. i wish i killed myself when i first started thinking about it. she was so young then she wouldn't even remember me. i have thought about this so much over the last 4 years. the only regret i will have is hurting my daughter. still i can not continue to suffer like this. it's been years since i have been happy. how much longer do i have to do this? another 4 years? another 40? no thanks i have had enough already. all i can hope for is that i have what it takes to fix my life and get my family back together.
     
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