I don't want to die!

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Calleo, Jul 27, 2011.

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  1. Calleo

    Calleo Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry if I don't sound crisis-y enough but I've been here a million times, I'm used to it. Just because I can sound rational about it doesn't mean it's not serious, okay?

    I don't want to die. I want to live.

    But apparently I can't, everything goes against me, nothing works out no matter how I try. I don't even have any time left any more to keep "trying". I feel like I've just been toyed around (for who's amusement, I'll never know).

    I've tried everything, I'm out of ideas. Nothing works, and I've painted myself into a corner. I have about a 100 euros left, after that I'm done. Killing myself is obviously a little more comfortable than waiting for days (weeks?) to starve to death.

    I've been planning this since I was 15, it's nothing new or dramatic anymore, just now I'll actually be forced into it, but I don't want to die.

    Life is nice. It's been a miraculous thing to see and experience; for the longest time I had no idea what it would be like to not be depressed. Now I know. It's great. But now I have to stop again.

    I didn't know how to live, no one taught me either (no one gave half a crap), now I don't have anything, I have nothing to work with, I can't function. I'm basically retarded, just not retarded enough to be recognized as such and helped out. I don't want to reach out for help anyway, and I wouldn't know how. And what would I do then?

    I have so much hope, so many ideas, but they're just that, empty hope and unactionable ideas -- nothing worked out in practice. Apparently I'm not as clever as I thought.

    I don't know what to do anymore.

    I don't want any more hope, any happiness, any ideas that "might" work -- I can't handle any more disappointment. I just want something real. For a million times I've just wished for it to be over already, a life like this can't possibly be worth such worry.

    I have no idea why I'm posting here. I guess it's an official resignation letter, I give up. This sh%t hurts.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Ya your right this shit does hurt but you also know you can be happy
    How to get help easy call your doctor he will know how to help you call a crisis line they will give you guidance come here and post others may have ideas as well.
    Just want you to know there is always a way to get life back on track okay you don't want to die you just need help to live and there is help hugs
  3. Calleo

    Calleo Well-Known Member

    <mod edit: *sparkle*: rude>
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 28, 2011
  4. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hey Calleo,

    You're having a tough time, as I remember posting in your 'Welcome' thread yesterday. If you want to talk about anything, don't hesitate to holler at us.

    We're here. We take you seriously here on SF, and I hope people who are in your life are do so too.

    Nice to see you posting around SF :)
  5. Calleo

    Calleo Well-Known Member

    Aren't I talking now?
    What is this "tough time" that you speak of? You mean the last twenty years?

    I don't have anyone in my life.
  6. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I meant like talking with more privacy (like in private, things you don't want to say to everyone on this forum or you might be more comfortable saying in a private message). Sorry for not clarifying enough! :mhmm:

    You do have SF (that's something, at the very least), and here there are people that will care for you if you care for them in return and open up (as you get to know them, that is). I know this for a fact, having been here since last October.

    Anyways, the aforementioned is just a suggestion that you might like to go forward with! Hey, who knows, maybe private messaging isn't your cup of tea! :)

  7. Calleo

    Calleo Well-Known Member

    Actually I just earlier messaged someone, maybe he'll even reply if he hasn't killed himself already. I think I'll stick around for a bit if I find that I can help people just by talking to them. It won't work for me though, I have plenty of motivation, I know how to be happy, I'm not stupid -- I just can't seem to get things to work out, I have ideas but they need time and none is 100% certain. A stranger can't help me unless they want to hire me.

    I'm not currently sure if the "caring" thing really means anything, it's so easy to tell someone you "care" about them and then feel like you're a good person for having said that, while the other person gains nothing from it. Same goes for the virtual hugs and saying "you can talk to us any time you want!" when the person has already started talking and you ignore what they said.

    I really don't mean to attack or anything, I just hope people will take my point of view into consideration if they actually want to help people.

    I've browsed around for a bit; maybe I just don't have the best memories from when I was here before.
  8. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    What do you want me to say, then, while we're on this note? We're here to talk to you, and while there are many people on this site, some of us genuinely care about people here, no matter how well or not well they know the people they speak to. Your suggestions are well-taken, although some might take it as an attack because it does scream that way (especially your signature). Just being honest here.

    You didn't add me on Skype, you could have messaged me (that's just one example). If you reach out, people (not everyone, but a few definitely (a few is better than none)) are there for you. You can talk to people through video chat if you want (want to talk to me now??), voice calls, whatever works for you and makes you the most comfortable. I meant "talking" in all sorts of ways (voice, video, in SF, in SF chat, etc. the list goes on)

    You can say that we post similar things on here and that it isn't helping you, and we appreciate that feedback.. So thank you for letting us know your point of view, because people like you are what make SF what it is: a long-lasting, changing-constantly pro-life forum.
  9. Calleo

    Calleo Well-Known Member

    How about you go ask someone else who's made a thread in the crisis section. "Well, what do you want me to say then?" How the hell should I know?

    It's not an attack, it's defense. Maybe you can't comprehend that but not all people are comfortable with cutesy sh%t. It's a personal preference, hence a warning in my personal signature.

    I don't have skype, I don't use chats, ever. They waste time, and I don't have time.

    Right now I don't see a difference between you and other people, I could message a random person, and I did. Us two can talk here, if that's cool with you.

    I don't know what else to say, I don't know what could be possibly useful to reveal. I wanted to make a longer thread but figured I'd feel like sh%t if people ignore it then or respond with generic advice. ("See a doctor!")

    Idk, can you ask me questions? Please?
  10. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I guess I'll answer your questions and then ask some so we can move forward (I'll be more blunt and less "cutesy" - and no emoticons):

    1) "How the hell should I know?" - First of all, that sounds defensive and might come off as aloof and provocative. Constructive criticism and watching what you say carefully is one thing, but being rude (whether blatant or not) to others who have your best interests at heart is another thing.

    2) People don't like when others get over-defensive. Defense isn't always the best response to what you perceive to be an attack. Sometimes, it's just all a big misunderstanding. No one is trying to attack you here; we're all only trying to help and lend an ear as an objective listener. For example, you didn't have to call what we say "cutesy shit." That's not a very nice thing to say. You could have gone about saying that another way and it would have been more easily accepted by others. I have nothing against you, and we are strangers in some forum on the web, but since we're being upfront and honest with each other, then I will speak what's on my mind.

    3) Why don't you have time to use chats? People online could make you feel better or help you pass time quickly in times of despair.

    4) There isn't a difference between me and other people. I don't know you well, and you don't know me well. Talking here is fine with me too.

    5) We don't know you that well, and therefore what we can say to you is limited right from the minute you start typing a thread. You're a newer member, and few know you well; that's natural.

    6) How did you come across SF? (That's the first question that came up when you suggested being asked questions.) Is there any way you can obtain more $ or reach out for monetary and supportive help from your parents or any relatives or anyone who cares for you?

    7) I think you know how to reach out for help. You just did by posting in this forum, although that's a small step but bigger ones can come forward as times goes on depending on what you choose to do.

    Lastly, just remember that if I offended you in this post in anyway, it was unintended. I took your preferences into heavy consideration.
  11. cannolongercope

    cannolongercope Active Member

    Hello Calleo,

    I could not have written it better. Your post is exactly where I am at.

    There is no point to seek out help any longer. I have tried it all. There is no point in going on.

    I relate to what you wrote. It is me completely. I can no longer cope with the pain. I can no longer seek a solution.
  12. Calleo

    Calleo Well-Known Member

    I just looked up my old account and it's even more embarrassing than I remembered. I quoted emo lyrics and everything. XD But yeah, I joined 5-6 years ago; I guess I had googled for suicide methods or something and ended up here. It was a terrible time. I was utterly depressed and suicidal from since I was 14, and I wasn't too happy as a kid either.

    I've gotten so used to that mode of thinking, that I'm always free to kill myself. Because I've tried to reason myself into it so frequently, that now it just makes sense that I don't have to take a single day more if I don't want to. There's no particular reason that I have to survive. I'm not special. This kind of life isn't worth the effort.

    The difference between now and then is that now I know what it feels like to be motivated and passionate, and consistently enthusiastic about life, and to know who I am and what my purpose is. I don't fall over and stay down because of every small obstacle. I have suicidal ideations nearly as often as I used to (=very often) but that's because it seems so likely that I'll never get the chance to be what I want to be, and I'm not asking for too much at all.

    So that mode never went away. I'm thinking, if I can't be exactly what I want to be, then this kind of life isn't worth the effort. There's no particular reason that I should survive. I don't want to survive -- I want to live and be myself, and that's the only acceptable option. I can't settle for something that would only be good enough for covering my basic needs. I'm on a mission here, and I'd rather die than betray that.

    I like to think before I say things. Chatting doesn't really allow for that. Plus there'll always be smalltalk involved. I hate that, online and IRL. It's a waste of time.

    I don't need to feel better, and I definitely don't need help in making time pass. I don't care how I feel, I'm completely capable of inducing feelings of peace or happiness if I need to (I just did earlier, to be completely sure I still can :D) -- I really need to figure out an actionable plan to get myself out of this hole before I need to start starving myself, because I probably won't be able to think as clearly when I'm starving. That's what I need, my feelings are irrelevant. (Point: my feelings tell me that I have a serious problem but I won't fix the problem by ~feeling better~.)

    There's no one IRL who'd want to or would be capable of supporting me. I don't mean anything to them, plus they're poor themselves. I'm mostly referring to my family here, I don't really have any other connections. That's what I was talking about in the OP, I'm stupidly limited in every possible way. I couldn't get a "real job" if I wanted to.

    I just need a little more time. I've been making very (very) rapid progress in spiritual and mental self development in the last couple of years (I'd actually explain it away as "growing up" but comparing myself to other people it seems slightly more significant than just that). But none of that helps me earn my own living, not yet. Employers don't care for that sort of thing.

    I'd feel safe to proceed if I knew for a fact that I could work (on my stuff) comfortably for the next six (or at least four) months or so. But I don't feel safe, I'm scared for my life. I can't get back to work when I have every reason to believe that I can't finish what I've started. I need a comfortable working environment. What I have now isn't exactly perfect but I could totally deal with that if I could at the very least pay for my food and internet connection.

    I probably sound like some sort of an internet-addicted loser. I don't care. I'm fine, and I take good care of my health too. What I refer to as "working" is, simply put, writing. It's extremely important to me. I'd rather die than ditch the whole thing.

    I feel like life is asking something super-human of me. Even if I feel super-human, I don't think I'm smart enough to figure this one out. I can't make a wrong choice in deciding what to put my effort into in the time that I have left. If it doesn't work out, I'm dead.
  13. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I look back at my old diaries on SF every once in a while (they have been made private) and I'm not happy with what I see either. I often think about how I made a fool of myself. I am so thankful for the people that were nice to me on SF and IRL during those times. That was five years ago for you though, and you have matured a lot since then and have been in better states for most of the time (according to your posts).

    Just wanted to point something out. Those few sentences in particular give me (and hopefully you) hope that you can weather this storm or period of feeling down that reminds you of how you felt 5-6 years ago when you were on SF.

    P.S. I'm glad you acknowledged that you have made some mental and spiritual self development progress. I just wish I had any advice to give you about your financial situation. Last but not least, I appreciate you taking the time to explain some things. I bet that's why "cannolongercope" can relate to what you said so well.
  14. Calleo

    Calleo Well-Known Member

    Hokay, I'll continue to complain later (maybe). I did a ("psychic") reading about someone on this forum (don't ask who), and I'm really concerned for them now. >< I'll stop worrying when it's no longer of use, but I can't get them off my mind right now.

    Alex, thank you for listening; I'll be sure to annoy you personally when I need to talk. :3

    cannolongercope, (I didn't see your post earlier, I don't think it was approved yet when I made my own post) - please take the chance to make your own thread in the intro section and/or the crisis/suicide section. Sometimes just writing about it can help you move forward - you can be anonymous here and write exactly what you feel and think - maybe you'll reach some greater personal clarity about your situation. Just do it, okay? <3 Or you can message me if you want but I'm not the greatest at real life advice, just the general stuff. Either way, you should still make your own thread so others can help you too if they can.
  15. Anneinside

    Anneinside Well-Known Member

    I don't know what I can say that would make you feel better. I was on the brink myself earlier this week and that's how I found this site. What is helping me now? Medical treatment. I had ECT yesterday and felt better by the evening. Do you have access to a doctor to get antidepressants? I don't know what country you are in but in the US you can go to the county mental health center and they will help you on a sliding scale. Suicidal thoughts and intentions usually can not be handled by the individual having them. It requires reaching out and getting IRL help. Also, there are usually programs to help people get food and housing. In my town, if needed, I could go to the food shelf for free food, eat meals at the Salvation Army and get food stamps from the county. There are resources out there. Please use your energy to find it.
  16. Calleo

    Calleo Well-Known Member

    I don't need drugs. I'm also not depressed. I also need to keep my mind sharp.

    Do you know what social anxiety is? I'm basically a complete cripple in that department; "reaching out" is out of the question.

    I don't think I know of anything like that here. And tbh, I'd rather die than resort to that.
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