I'm sorry if I don't sound crisis-y enough but I've been here a million times, I'm used to it. Just because I can sound rational about it doesn't mean it's not serious, okay? I don't want to die. I want to live. But apparently I can't, everything goes against me, nothing works out no matter how I try. I don't even have any time left any more to keep "trying". I feel like I've just been toyed around (for who's amusement, I'll never know). I've tried everything, I'm out of ideas. Nothing works, and I've painted myself into a corner. I have about a 100 euros left, after that I'm done. Killing myself is obviously a little more comfortable than waiting for days (weeks?) to starve to death. I've been planning this since I was 15, it's nothing new or dramatic anymore, just now I'll actually be forced into it, but I don't want to die. Life is nice. It's been a miraculous thing to see and experience; for the longest time I had no idea what it would be like to not be depressed. Now I know. It's great. But now I have to stop again. I didn't know how to live, no one taught me either (no one gave half a crap), now I don't have anything, I have nothing to work with, I can't function. I'm basically retarded, just not retarded enough to be recognized as such and helped out. I don't want to reach out for help anyway, and I wouldn't know how. And what would I do then? I have so much hope, so many ideas, but they're just that, empty hope and unactionable ideas -- nothing worked out in practice. Apparently I'm not as clever as I thought. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want any more hope, any happiness, any ideas that "might" work -- I can't handle any more disappointment. I just want something real. For a million times I've just wished for it to be over already, a life like this can't possibly be worth such worry. I have no idea why I'm posting here. I guess it's an official resignation letter, I give up. This sh%t hurts.