Seems like the more times my insignificant life revolves around the sun I have to fight harder and harder to fight off the urge to find a final solution to my pain. Of course I know that feeling isn't anything new here. I know nearly everyone here either feels that way or has felt that way. The knowledge of my less than uncommon predicament is a double edge sword. On one hand it means that I am not alone and I am not crazy or insane for feeling this way, but on the other hand it makes me think if so many people feel this way, just maybe the cracks in the sidewalk of life are big enough for me to slip through. I have never really considered myself to be a happy person, although I have been known to have a happy day o occasion. Even prior to May of 2010 when my mom was still alive I can look back at pictures of myself and the vast majority of them have a common theme, I am not smiling. The few times I am smiling is in a family photo when mom is next to me. I guess maybe it is because mom was the one person in the world I truly felt understood me. In May 2010 ye was killed in a car accident because a guy in a pick-up truck slammed into the passenger side of my dad's car. Dad, my little sister, and I watched mom as she took her last labored breaths before she was gone. I think my first time I had ever thought about killing myself was the summer after mom died. I was facing going through the rest of my life without mom, and facing starting high school without the guidance of my mom. I didn't try to kill myself then, in fact it would be about 15 months later before I would try. It would be just a month after I was abducted and raped by an A-HOLE that attended the same school. Everything just built up to a breaking point, I was the only one at home and I decided that I didn't want to live anymore. I decided that I didn't want to be a burden to my family and friends. I sat down and began to write a post for my personal blog. While I was writing my post I received a text message from my friend that left school during school hours to drove me home. She let me know that she got in trouble for leaving school and was given detention. I went into the kitchen and grabbed dad's bottle of vodka that had been sitting in the cabinet for well over a year and began to drink. I don't know if I was trying to drink away my pain, or trying to drink till I died. My memory is a little fuzzy of some of the things for the next several hours. I carried the bottle of vodka into my room along with a gun and finished my blog post with the last few lines reading, (verbatim) "I'm sorry for all the pain I will cause my family and friends but I can't take it anymore. I have a loaded gun and it is ready to shoot. When I finish drinking this bottle and making this post I am going to use it. Mom I will see you in 30 seconds". There was more to the post I made but I can't remember most of it. I remember actually looking forward to ending my life so I could see mom again. After I submitted my crazy blog post I took a few deep breaths and looked at the gun in my hand through my vodka glazed and teared eyes and raised the gun to my heart. Somewhere along the lines my little sister and dad came home. My little sister burst into my room like she always does and saw the gun pointing at my chest. She screamed for dad and he ran in. I don't remember him taking the gun out of my hand, but he told me that he had to force it out of my hand. This incident was about 10 months ago, and although I think I am doing better than I was then, I still often have thoughts about ending my pain. The weird thing is I know if the place I work was being robbed and the gunman had a gun to my head and demanded my boss open the safe and hand over the cash I would be the first one to say, "Give this Asshole the cash". When it comes right down to it I know I don't want to die, I simply want to not hurt. I also know I still have these grandiose ideas that peace of mind lies at the bottom of a bottle of pills or the receiving end of a gun. I also know the closer I get to to my 1 year anniversary, I will have more thoughts of ending the pain in a sudden and irreversible way. I have just under 1 month until it has been 1 year. I'm not sure why I am making this post. I think maybe I want people to tell me not to give-up and that it will get better. I'm just not 100% sure I believe it will get better. Sorry for this being long. I hope I made some sense. Probably not.