I don't want to do this anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sadhart, Aug 25, 2014.

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  1. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    I mean I don't want to keep being such a goddamn coward. there's no point in continuing to live and I know that. No one is going to miss me or gives a shit, and NO I don't mean on this board...I mean in real life. What I really hate in wanting to take my life is that I still don't understand what the hell was my life for. I'm just sick of living and I know that I have been saying that for awhile here....hopefully soon, I will have the balls to follow through with it. I'm sorry.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, you sound confused and that's common with depression! Asking ourselves why we are putting ourselves though this? What was the point of it all? But the great thing to keep in mind is depression is treatable and you can get there, are you seeing a professional?
    Also, you have nothing to be sorry for. :hug:
  3. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    The mental health system I have to deal with is very half assed. And I am not in favor of medication. It's not that I want to stay depressed, but my experience with the mental health system has at times made things more depressing. I still haven't forgiven one place for their unprofessional behavior and attitude. And yeah, I kind of do have to be sorry....I've been here for three years and I am still in a lot of pain and sadness.
  4. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    please don't do it. try to hang on and be strong, as painful as it may be.
  5. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi Sadhart, I'm sorry for how you're feeling and I'm sure people on this board would miss you. My question though to you relates to the last time you were happy and I mean really happy. Is this a place in which you can go to again? What's stopping you from being at this place again?

    Yes, medication can just make you sleepy and you can only find that it dozes with you for a while until you wake up to realise nothing's changed. However, the right medication can be so effective. Maybe the hospital you've been to has been unprofessional but not every doctor is unprofessional. It's like a family member being the shiest person on earth and another family member being so extroverted that it's like they're out of this earth. Everybody is not the same and maybe another doctor may work for you.

    I hope that you're feeling better soon. Wherever your happy place is, you'll always have a place here. Husky.
  6. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    I was thinking about that the other day...about being happy. and that's the thing---I have had happy moments in my life, sure...but I have never really been happy. And I don't thnk I ever will.

    And I am trying not be defensive, but NO, I do not care for medication. I don't care about the other pills that I could try. The worst side effect was not sleepiness or weight gain. It was the goddamn external stigma that people suddenly assume your every action revolves around a fucking pill. Suddenly, you can't have bad days or feel angry like "normal" people can. I'm sorry but I just don't believe in pills like that. Too many lazy asshole doctors and ignorant people turned me off completely from them.
  7. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi Sadhart, Thank you for responding. Sometimes I see pills as not only controlling illnesses but also controlling the people who take them. Yes, anger is an emotion which is normal to feel but with a pill, the anger is curtailed and in a sense it engenders another sense of anger. I have to acknowledge though medication can be effective too. What about just speaking with maybe a health care professional or someone close to you to let them know how you feel? Do you think that may help?

    I'm pleased you've had happy moments in your life. I'm sure there were times when you were unhappy before these happy moments too. I think if you stay that there will be happier moments to come too. Husky.
  8. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    Husky, if you or others feel okay with meds, that's fine. I don't, and at this point, I probably never will. Like I said, it comes down to the external stigma pills like that can create. Personally, the "professionals" that I have encountered in the past were very lazy and didn't seem to care. I may be depressed and unhappy with life, but I know why I am and I don't want some pill to determine that.

    I would like to believe there could possibly be happier times ahead, but right now, I just find that hard to see. The last five years have really been painful and I just want that hurt to stop. And NO....a pill is not going to make that pain disappear.....not the pain I experienced at least.

    But thank you taking the time to give me encouraging words, Husky. Believe it or not, they were not in vain. Sorry for not being more appreciative.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 29, 2014
  9. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi sadheart, There's no need to be sorry at all and thank you for your message. External perspectives on medication are significant but I feel the view oneself takes internally is more significant. This not only relates to medication either. It can relate to doctors or even how work is appraised in our jobs or at school. I respect that you don't have much faith in doctors and medication but I think you should always have faith in yourself.

    You mentioned that you've been unhappy for several years and that you can't see yourself being happy again. The health system has been an unhealthy answer for you and you're not happy with where you are now either. However, happy moments have happened and if you believe it, there's no reason they can't happen again. I hope you're feeling better soon. Husky.
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