My family, en masse, just announced that I'm a pathetic, useless mess, and they don't know why I ended up in THEIR family. The people who loved me are dead. I'm dying slowly of an eating disorder (turns out I'm probably even permanently infertile due to hormonal imbalances as a consequence of long-term purging). I can't hold a functional relationship. I love my family, and they can't stand me. And despite this, I'm doing brilliantly in school. I mean really, top marks across the board and I even have people I can count as "friends" even if I can't exactly trust them fully. I know that I have "such great potential", but I'm not intelligent. I came with a host of "A" grades predicted in Summer exams for all my current subjects, and got met with the line: "Excellent. Plenty of time to upgrade that to an "A*" for the summer exams. I mean fuck that. I work my arse off, I'm not a fucking wonderwoman. I'm somehow doing that, exercising for 2 hours+ per day, my eating habits are all over the shop and I've realised none of it means anything. I could be rail-thin, top of the class, top universities, but it doesn't seem to stem the fact that nobody gives a flying fuck whether I live or die. I don't want to commit suicide in some ways. Mainly because a) I've failed twice, and failing again will just make me feel utterly pathetic and b) the cost of the funeral. My family don't deserve me being any more of a burden. Oh and c) because the one person who ever did actually DID love me, and who I loved, killed herself and its my fucking fault. I sound so bloody stupid, I'm sorry. I don't even know what I think any more, I don't know if I'm "suicidal" or just wishing I never existed in the first place and then I wonder if those two things aren't the same. Christ. I don't know what to do. Thank you everyone on here for listening and all the support you've given me, and I'll do my best not to follow through on these emotions. Thank you everyone for listening. Lex.