I don't want to do this

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lexicon, Nov 20, 2010.

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  1. Lexicon

    Lexicon Well-Known Member

    My family, en masse, just announced that I'm a pathetic, useless mess, and they don't know why I ended up in THEIR family.

    The people who loved me are dead. I'm dying slowly of an eating disorder (turns out I'm probably even permanently infertile due to hormonal imbalances as a consequence of long-term purging). I can't hold a functional relationship. I love my family, and they can't stand me.

    And despite this, I'm doing brilliantly in school. I mean really, top marks across the board and I even have people I can count as "friends" even if I can't exactly trust them fully.

    I know that I have "such great potential", but I'm not intelligent. I came with a host of "A" grades predicted in Summer exams for all my current subjects, and got met with the line: "Excellent. Plenty of time to upgrade that to an "A*" for the summer exams.

    I mean fuck that. I work my arse off, I'm not a fucking wonderwoman. I'm somehow doing that, exercising for 2 hours+ per day, my eating habits are all over the shop and I've realised none of it means anything. I could be rail-thin, top of the class, top universities, but it doesn't seem to stem the fact that nobody gives a flying fuck whether I live or die.

    I don't want to commit suicide in some ways. Mainly because a) I've failed twice, and failing again will just make me feel utterly pathetic and b) the cost of the funeral. My family don't deserve me being any more of a burden. Oh and c) because the one person who ever did actually DID love me, and who I loved, killed herself and its my fucking fault.

    I sound so bloody stupid, I'm sorry. I don't even know what I think any more, I don't know if I'm "suicidal" or just wishing I never existed in the first place and then I wonder if those two things aren't the same. Christ. I don't know what to do.

    Thank you everyone on here for listening and all the support you've given me, and I'll do my best not to follow through on these emotions. Thank you everyone for listening. Lex.
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    lex I can hear your pain....I don't know what happened with your family but maybe it's their frustration at not being able to help you ...
    You have done really well at your studies especially under the circumstances..be proud of yourself...
    you said you have friends and they would care if you die and it would affect them greatly even if you don't think so..I care and I don't know you
    I've lost a loved one to suicide and I can understand the self blame...
    in the end it was their choice to end their life and their choice not to get more help...try not to be so hard on yourself...
    are you having proffessional help for your illness?
    do you have a therapist you can talk to?
    take care and keep reaching out for help..*hug*
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Lex..the actions of others are NOT your fault...your friend had problems...and about your family saying you are pathetic...that is awful...please do not believe them...anyone who loves another would not put someone through this pain...J
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    All you can do is just do your best Lexi. If you're happy with your grades then your family should be too. I hope that things improve for you. :hug:
  5. Lexicon

    Lexicon Well-Known Member

    Hy guys,

    Thanks for your support. I'm just trying to get through day by day, I should be alright with that and hey, there's no point dying now. Christmas is in a few weeks. I wanna live to see a new year, celebrating things that maybe could get better and knowing I can see the year she never did.

    IV - I'm sorry you lost somebody to suicide too. I know I can't be technically to blame for her death, but I know that I was a contributing factor, albeit with other people and other situations. I just miss her so much. Maybe I didn't kill her. But I could have saved her. Hell. Her last message to anybody was to me saying that she missed me, she loved me, and that she was sorry. Two hours later I was told she was dead.

    The grades are almost peripheral now - I can leave home in a year or so, and I know I'll get the top grades. it's just gutting that the people who matter don't appriciate the work that goes into it.

    Oh, and my long-term eating disorder has been biting me on the arse. I've been binging and throwing up upwards of six times daily, which is just crap tbh. I haven't been this bad in years.

    Sadeyes - is it not pathetic to be like this? To be this weak? To blame myself for something I logically know wasn't my fault, to have an eating disorder that it's MY OWN HEAD and not be able to fight it, to hurt myself just to feel something outside the overwhelming, numbing, throat-clogging pain.

    I love my family beyond words. I just wish they loved me, y'know?

    Thank you so much for listening. I know my problems are trivial compared to what some people here have been through, and I hope you don't think badly of me for being this way. Hope you're all ok. Lex.
  6. All these mixed emotions

    All these mixed emotions Well-Known Member

    I hear you.. I know the guilt.. The “if only I did this” thoughts that consumes the mind... I cant say I am innocent in my girlfriends death either... When it comes to suicide (or any other type of death) you cant apply logic anywhere, she told me in advance to that it was going down. And it is not trivial, I would do/take anything to make it undone.

    I would say it is amongst the worst things that can happen, because it is love, and we lost it in the worst way ever... They told us, basically, youre love is no good, ofc are we gonna feel like we didn't do enough, that nothing we do is any good, that all is a big fail, and whats the point anyway?

    Nothing matters to me anymore, because of the hole that cant be replaced :(

    And sadly, the truth is that we could have done things better...

    My condolences to you and youre woman


  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    lex I'm so glad you're gonna stay ...I hope you enjoy christmas and the new year is brighter for you..
    I'm sure your family love you and it would be hard for them to see you suffering...maybe they're trying the 'tough love' tactic..
    you're not stupid Lex and your problems aren't trivial....you keep reaching out for help..
    if your eating disorders flared up maybe talk to your doctor ....
    some grief counseling might help re your friends suicide...
    take care *hug*
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Lex i hope your sadness lessens up a bit Can you call anyone your t doctor to get help to stop the binging You are doing good taking it day by day that way you won't feel so overwhelmed sometimes just take it even hour by hour.
    I hope your family apologisies to you for their harsh comments sometimes family are the ones that hurt us the most. I hope you know you are special person okay so don't give up on you never okay.
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