I am so tired of life, of struggling. I want the world to fade away. I have been so unhappy the majority of my life and I hate waking up every morning. I can't find one thing to look forward too any more. I am so tired of putting on a happy face and making it work. I love my kids and they deserve so much better than me. I will never be able to give them a good life, nothing will be stable. It used to be I knew suicide wasn't an option because I knew no one would be able to take care of them the way I wanted but it's to the point now that I can't care enough about anything for that to matter. I keep thinking of all the ways I can end it. In this house alone I have a cabinet full of pills, knives, razors, a tub, guns, I just want the world to go away!! I can't go back to a doctor because my family just holds it over my head like I'm an unfit parent. The pills make me so numb it's worse than the pain. I can't let my husband know or he'll quit working again and we already can't make the bills. I want to take my kids, rob a store, and just run away and start again but I know I can't nothing will ever work out for me my only two options are to kill myself or suffer until I finally die. I just want someone to make it all go away. I don't even know the purpose of writing all of this I just need to get it all out, all I can think is why me?! why do I deserve to have this life, why couldn't I have been born to a different family and made different choices, why can't I be happy?!