I don't want to exist

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ashton, Apr 13, 2013.

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  1. ashton

    ashton Member

    I am so tired of life, of struggling. I want the world to fade away. I have been so unhappy the majority of my life and I hate waking up every morning. I can't find one thing to look forward too any more. I am so tired of putting on a happy face and making it work. I love my kids and they deserve so much better than me. I will never be able to give them a good life, nothing will be stable. It used to be I knew suicide wasn't an option because I knew no one would be able to take care of them the way I wanted but it's to the point now that I can't care enough about anything for that to matter. I keep thinking of all the ways I can end it. In this house alone I have a cabinet full of pills, knives, razors, a tub, guns, I just want the world to go away!! I can't go back to a doctor because my family just holds it over my head like I'm an unfit parent. The pills make me so numb it's worse than the pain. I can't let my husband know or he'll quit working again and we already can't make the bills. I want to take my kids, rob a store, and just run away and start again but I know I can't nothing will ever work out for me my only two options are to kill myself or suffer until I finally die. I just want someone to make it all go away. I don't even know the purpose of writing all of this I just need to get it all out, all I can think is why me?! why do I deserve to have this life, why couldn't I have been born to a different family and made different choices, why can't I be happy?!
     
  2. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    well if you want a religious answer, God doesn't give you any struggle in life he doesn't think you can't handle. You were happy before, you'll be happy again. and really? kill yourself? are you really prepared to put your kids through such devastation? I'd give anything to have children and if I had one I sure as hell wouldn't kill myself. They would be my world and my love for them would outweigh the pain I'd feel. Just saying. Suck it up and do the things you need to do to get happy. Giving birth wasn't easy right? It was painful. The pain you're feeling now is nothing compared to that. You were strong enough to give birth so you're strong enough to live.
     
  3. ashton

    ashton Member

    Honestly I would give birth 100 times over naturally to get away from the pain I feel every day. I do love them so much, and this just proves how they deserve better. I used to could never even think about leaving them and it's like I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel empty, not even human. I just want it all to go away, forever.
     
  4. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member


    no they deserve you. And they'd tell you that because they love you. You're their mother. Look, I'm a son. I love my mother so much. If she killed herself I would be lost...completely lost. Your children would be lost without you. Sorry honey, but you have to fight through this. You have kids to live for. Something not everybody has....they should be enough.
     
  5. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    the next time you get the urge to kill yourself, look at your children. Ask yourself, "how would they feel if I killed myself?" Then decide if killing yourself is worth putting them through that.
     
  6. ashton

    ashton Member

    I wish they were enough. They are so perfect, and there ARE so many people out there that deserve children more than I do. I was young and stupid and now I have two lives in this world that deserve so much more. I don't even know where to go or what to do, I have lost all motivation to get help.
     
  7. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    well there are two things you can do: you can summon the will power to TURN yourself into a psych ward. Get the help. OR you can talk to your family about it. Either way, you're going to do have one of the two. It's inevitable. Nobody can fight this disease alone. So you might as well do this now. You could end up attempting suicide one day and you'll end up in a psych ward anyway or your family will find out. So it's inevitable. You should take the easy road and just go to a psych ward. No psychologist. Go to an actual psych ward, preferably an extensive one. You'd be surprised at the many people there you could relate to. I've been in one. I know.
     
  8. ashton

    ashton Member

    I got to the point where I wanted to go before but all my family told me to wait to get on meds to try something else first. Now I don't know if I have enough desire in me to want to really get better, i just dont knwo
     
  9. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    fuck meds. go to a psych ward lol, seriously. Meds work for some people but you sound like a person who needs to be in a psych ward. A place where you can get help for an extensive amount of time. You need HELP. Medication is just temporary help. I know a lot of people who take meds but they still feel shitty half the time. They get other types of meds and they work but then they just feel shitty again. Meds is a quick fix for some people. It was for me anyway. You need hard-core help. If the desire to help yourself is gone then all is lost. Nobody can help you but you. Nobody can want to help you but you. You can come on this site and we can give you advice and maybe make you feel better for a day or two but ultimately, you'll still feel cruddy on the inside. You need professional help. I'd love it if you sucked it up and just went to a damn psych ward=p I know it'll be embarrassing but at least you'll be embarrassed with other people like you lol
     
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Medication with therapy will help you pull out of the depression you arein. Depression is an illness and with help you can be there not only for your children but for YOU as well I agree i think you should sign yourself into hospital until you are stable hun Get your family to look after your children ok do that for YOU hugs
     
  11. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    man its times like these that I wish I was your family member or good friends in real life. I'd go with you to the psych ward so you wouldn't feel down about it or alone.
     
  12. ashton

    ashton Member

    I'm scared, honestly. I am so scared. I know I can only run away from it for so long but I'm terrified. I am not a strong person and I really don't know what to do.
     
  13. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    check yourself into a psych ward. im telling you honey, eventually that's where it'll lead lol. one day you might attempt suicide, your family finds you, and if they're smart and care about you, they'll see to it that you're checked into a hospital. There are really only three things you can do: Check yourself into a hospital. Just confide in your husband and family and fight through the pain. OR waste away. But at some point, whether you feel you're strong enough or not, you have to WANT to get better enough to help yourself. When you want it badly enough you'll do it=p I say go to a psych ward. You need that kind of help.
     
  14. ashton

    ashton Member

    How much does it cost if you commit yourself? I took a minute to think, I am so scared of leaving my kids if I'm committed but suicide is an option? This made no sense to me, then I thought why. I have to come back and face them if I'm committed. I have to quit running away. I'm so tired of running. I run from everything, the truth, guilt, pain, I really DO want to be better. I want my life to be happy, I want to wake up every morning before my kids, make them breakfast, go to the park, play in the yard, keep a clean home, I know it's unlikely I will ever truly be completely happy but I want to fight for it.
     
  15. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I think it depends on if you have insurance, where you get sent etc. but it will be worth it to be happy and healthy again. It will be scary to leave your kids, but you need to look after yourself too and get well. That's good you want to fight, you deserve to be happy, and I know you can do this. :)
     
  16. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    then do those things:) I mean, if you don't go to a hospital, what else are you gonna do to get yourself help? Psychologist. Hospital. Meds. Or simply talking to your family. I mean, you have to choose from one of those and one of those has to be enough. If none of those are enough then you'd truly be a lost cause. I don't think you are though. I just think with time, you'll feel better. You have a great support system, you just need to use it. and trust me, you'd be doing your kids a disservice if you didn't take care of yourself first. they need a healthy, an emotionally healthy Mom. It would benefit them immensely=p
     
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