I've been here for almost three years and STILL haven't completely poured out my thoughts, what exactly causes my depression and me thinking of suicide. Barely anyone here knows me, I almost never go into the chat room, PM people, etc etc etc. Haven't done anything!!! I never talk about my problems directly, I'm not specific and thats what this post below will be too, not very specific....... ------------------------------------- I haven't faced them, I've always tiptoed around and ignored them. I tell myself things like others are worse off than me, to make myself feel better and I forget about my problems temporarily. But they will eventually come back to bit me very hard. But I am reminded occasionally of how much of a loser I am, how far I am behind everyone else and it then heavily depresses me again. I wonder sometimes, what if my problems are too much to cope with? What if I am so far behind, that its not worth it to catch up and you just have to give up, end your life? But then others will say to never kill yourself, life is precious, I still have many years ahead of me to live a happy life. I still have a chance, I still have hope as long as I am alive. I've always been a horrible decision maker, takes me forever to make a decision and almost always when I make it, I'll regret it soon afterwards. I wish I could finally make the decision that I will live, I will not commit suicide eventually as I tell myself that. Not to commit suicide in a few years. I have to keep that decision to live locked and never waver from it. And so to pull myself up instead of just lingering as I have for most of my life and falling behind everyone else. Make some damn progress. I mean, if I am to kill myself eventually, whats the point of working up and making progress now if it'll all be a waste? But I have very far to run to catch up with the others and they are so so far ahead. And they are still running and I keep falling further behind day by day. Should I just keep laying down or finally get the will to pull myself up and keep running? Basically everyone will tell me to do the latter, to keep going and not give up, never to give up. I wish I could get that drive. Sorry if this wasn't specific or helpful again....thanks for any replies you guys can give.