sorry this is really long post but I have to get this out. I can't keep it inside and it gets worse and worse with each day. there's a lot more to this, but I trying to keep it as short as I can. I am not close to very many people in fact my support system is one person, and I can only tell them so much. idk I can't trust my heart, can't trust what I feel inside anymore, and I've lost my best friend. When two people want to be with each other they both can feel and sense the rush, energy, attraction, and desire for each other without having to say anything, yes? If not then and it's all in my head then I'm an idiot for believing such a phenomenon is possible. Or two people knowing that you're not really just friends? That all it would take is one moment that would change everything? idk it is extremely rare for me to experience this if it is real, and I don't go looking for it, it just happens. 3 years ago I experienced feelings of this nature on such and intense level that self control was a constant struggle. She had a boyfriend at the time (she lied and told me he was her cousin) and I did my best to respect her relationship. Even when the random nature of life separated us geographically (that should've been a hint) we still kept in touch talked almost everyday for a year. When I was finally able to afford a car, due to my anxiety it took me four months to tell her. When I did she invites me over yay! right? Finally; she's single, I'm single an opportunity to see where life takes us. Idk looking back I feel like she never really wanted me, feel like she didn't want me to be there with her. She danced around telling me how to get to her apt, being there with here there was some much tension and anxiety in the air. I didn't want to push or pressure her. I felt it was best to take things as they come, completely on her terms. The entire time I feel she was playing with me, maybe testing me? idk. She would do things to push me away, then pull me in, then push me away, and holding on to me. She spent half the time texting another guy on her phone then going on facebook and chatting with another guy in front of me. which was ok I guess since we're just friends it probably wouldn't have been right for me to give her crap about it. She would instigate flirtatious moments which were nice, but in our moment... that moment that would have changed everything. Just as we were about to kiss at the last possible second what does she say to me? "I'm going to scream that you're raping me." her sense of humor can be a bit crude at times but this was more than just a joke I think. then she hugged and cuddled up next to me. Later that night she tells me that I should just go and "beat it up" on some 18 yro. then invites me into her bed??? idk, I didn't that feel it was ok for me to give in to her. or even try to be close, hold her etc. I didn't feel comfortable laying there next to her, all day my guard was up and down and every which way, my mind was a total mess. The next day I take her to work and she tells me she wants to see me again. We plan to get together on our next day off. Two days later she asks me to take her to the greyhound so she can go to California to visit family. We text each other for a couple weeks, and then nothing. Two months later she is tagged in a public facebook status update stating she is in a relationship. She tells me that I'm too late, I should have asked her out, that she is truly happy, he's the best boyfriend ever, and that they are almost married and if I'm ever in cali I could visit her and that she'll see me in a few weeks. Despite feeling absolutely devastated and completely broken, I felt that if she was truly as happy as she says she is I shouldn't be angry at her, and told that it's good that she is happy and wished her the best and so on. A couple months later she makes a scene on facebook going on about how she has bpd and she can never be happy and just wants to find true love and has to drop people from her life who are toxic to her illness (i.e. me). She blocks me the next day. For me it was the ultimate breaking point for me. I spent 6 months trying to hide and bury my depression and sadness from the world coping with the lies and trying to rationalize everything. I decide to delete my facebook which takes 14 days. on the 10th day she texts me from her boyfriend's phone to tell me she's thinking about me a lot and facebook is her only means of communication and she wants to talk to me. I reactivate and see that I'm unblocked and see her profile photo of her with her boyfriend and I completely fall apart. She blocks me again a week later. About 6 weeks go by; I try deleting my account again and after about a week I got a series of random phone calls from random local numbers. I didn't answer any of them, no messages. I thought it was a bit odd to receive several wrong number calls in less than 4 days especially since my phone never rings. idk why but I reactive my fb and no calls since. I am so depressed, everyday. I can't function. I can't focus. It's a fight just to keep it together everyday. 10 months of this deep sadness inside. All the built up anticipation and waiting and believing, life has completely lost all meaning and purpose for me. Some days I want to just die, go to sleep and never wake up. Thought about putting my car into a wall, or carbon monoxide poisoning or a roll over crash in the middle of nowhere. I fractured my left hand, I smoke almost a pack a day. I just don't care about my life any more. I've had depressive episodes in the past even periods of self-destructive behavior but this has been by far the worst and longest lasting. Holding onto her is so upsetting and letting go is feels 10 times as worse.