i don't want to feel anymore

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by xero, Jan 1, 2014.

  1. xero

    xero Member

    sorry this is really long post but I have to get this out. I can't keep it inside and it gets worse and worse with each day. there's a lot more to this, but I trying to keep it as short as I can. I am not close to very many people in fact my support system is one person, and I can only tell them so much.

    idk I can't trust my heart, can't trust what I feel inside anymore, and I've lost my best friend. When two people want to be with each other they both can feel and sense the rush, energy, attraction, and desire for each other without having to say anything, yes? If not then and it's all in my head then I'm an idiot for believing such a phenomenon is possible.

    Or two people knowing that you're not really just friends? That all it would take is one moment that would change everything?

    idk it is extremely rare for me to experience this if it is real, and I don't go looking for it, it just happens. 3 years ago I experienced feelings of this nature on such and intense level that self control was a constant struggle. She had a boyfriend at the time (she lied and told me he was her cousin) and I did my best to respect her relationship. Even when the random nature of life separated us geographically (that should've been a hint) we still kept in touch talked almost everyday for a year.

    When I was finally able to afford a car, due to my anxiety it took me four months to tell her. When I did she invites me over yay! right? Finally; she's single, I'm single an opportunity to see where life takes us. Idk looking back I feel like she never really wanted me, feel like she didn't want me to be there with her. She danced around telling me how to get to her apt, being there with here there was some much tension and anxiety in the air.

    I didn't want to push or pressure her. I felt it was best to take things as they come, completely on her terms. The entire time I feel she was playing with me, maybe testing me? idk. She would do things to push me away, then pull me in, then push me away, and holding on to me. She spent half the time texting another guy on her phone then going on facebook and chatting with another guy in front of me. which was ok I guess since we're just friends it probably wouldn't have been right for me to give her crap about it.

    She would instigate flirtatious moments which were nice, but in our moment... that moment that would have changed everything. Just as we were about to kiss at the last possible second what does she say to me? "I'm going to scream that you're raping me." her sense of humor can be a bit crude at times but this was more than just a joke I think. then she hugged and cuddled up next to me.

    Later that night she tells me that I should just go and "beat it up" on some 18 yro. then invites me into her bed??? idk, I didn't that feel it was ok for me to give in to her. or even try to be close, hold her etc. I didn't feel comfortable laying there next to her, all day my guard was up and down and every which way, my mind was a total mess.

    The next day I take her to work and she tells me she wants to see me again. We plan to get together on our next day off. Two days later she asks me to take her to the greyhound so she can go to California to visit family. We text each other for a couple weeks, and then nothing. Two months later she is tagged in a public facebook status update stating she is in a relationship.

    She tells me that I'm too late, I should have asked her out, that she is truly happy, he's the best boyfriend ever, and that they are almost married and if I'm ever in cali I could visit her and that she'll see me in a few weeks. Despite feeling absolutely devastated and completely broken, I felt that if she was truly as happy as she says she is I shouldn't be angry at her, and told that it's good that she is happy and wished her the best and so on.

    A couple months later she makes a scene on facebook going on about how she has bpd and she can never be happy and just wants to find true love and has to drop people from her life who are toxic to her illness (i.e. me). She blocks me the next day. For me it was the ultimate breaking point for me.

    I spent 6 months trying to hide and bury my depression and sadness from the world coping with the lies and trying to rationalize everything. I decide to delete my facebook which takes 14 days. on the 10th day she texts me from her boyfriend's phone to tell me she's thinking about me a lot and facebook is her only means of communication and she wants to talk to me. I reactivate and see that I'm unblocked and see her profile photo of her with her boyfriend and I completely fall apart. She blocks me again a week later.

    About 6 weeks go by; I try deleting my account again and after about a week I got a series of random phone calls from random local numbers. I didn't answer any of them, no messages. I thought it was a bit odd to receive several wrong number calls in less than 4 days especially since my phone never rings. idk why but I reactive my fb and no calls since.

    I am so depressed, everyday. I can't function. I can't focus. It's a fight just to keep it together everyday. 10 months of this deep sadness inside. All the built up anticipation and waiting and believing, life has completely lost all meaning and purpose for me.

    Some days I want to just die, go to sleep and never wake up. Thought about putting my car into a wall, or carbon monoxide poisoning or a roll over crash in the middle of nowhere. I fractured my left hand, I smoke almost a pack a day. I just don't care about my life any more. I've had depressive episodes in the past even periods of self-destructive behavior but this has been by far the worst and longest lasting. Holding onto her is so upsetting and letting go is feels 10 times as worse.
  2. xero

    xero Member

    I feel even worse now, never should have made this post.
  3. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    That's okay, nothing to be ashamed of...I hope you've given up all contact with her now. It's best just to forget her, regardless of what she meant to you, she was not good for you. She had some problems. Serious. Messing with you like that? Try to find somebody else, somebody who'll treat you like you deserve to be treated. Then you can look back at this nightmare and realize how lucky you were to not get stuck in it any longer.
  4. xero

    xero Member

    feel intense guilt and an overwhelming feeling inside that I am disloyal. I cannot escape. the sadness never ends.
  5. the black raven

    the black raven Well-Known Member

    Hi xer0, you might hate or dislike what I'm gonna write, but I'm gonna write it anyway.

    Like MisterBGone, she is not good for you at all. She is... disloyal, and only want to play. You might not believe it, I can't believe what my friend told me about my ex too, but he was right, she hmmm married to her ex behind my back, since it was long distance, it was "safe" for her, but her friend told me. I was utterly broken.

    By the way you describe it, she's similar to my ex. Only want to play around, when she need attention she will go looking for you, when she's not, she will throw you away. It's a fact. You might not be able to believe it now, since your mind is telling you otherwise, confusing you with something that is not true. That she really wants you. It's not true.... The way I see it, she doesn't really wants you, or just confused, but no matter what she does, she never really intended to be with you. That's clear.

    You will dislike me for what I write, I know. I was the same towards my friend who told me all of that....till I found out that she got married.... Try to look things from someone else point of view, not from yours, yours is clouded with your strong feelings for her.

    I know very well that it is HARD, unbelievably hard for you to get over her, but you have to. I know it seems impossible. I have been through that too. But for your sake, please, do forget her, and avoid her. She's not good for you despite all of your strong feelings towards her. You need to find yourself a good girl that can appreciate you the way you are. Someone who really wants you, not for a plaything.

    What happened to her is not your responsibility, it's okay to help her once in a while, but don't let that affect your future. You can still be happy.

    Also, you are not disloyal, in fact, you are very loyal, even if she hurts you this bad, you still standing up for her.
    I know I'm a stranger and I don't mean anything to you, but I will ask you to leave and forget her, for your own good.

    I hope you well.