I don't want to feel better; I want to cease to exist

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Maeetras, Jul 28, 2009.

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  1. Maeetras

    Maeetras Member

    I sat here for nearly an hour trying to figure out where to start but, I guess if I knew that, I wouldn't be self-destructive. If I'm am alive in a week or two, I might come back to try to figure this out again. I don't know why I feel this way; I'm only 20.

    I first felt suicidal at a relatively young age, I think at age 11 or so, but I don't know why. I was very frustrated as a kid, as many angsty teenagers are, and for a long time I thought it was due to my meager social life (I never got out much, had few friends, had very controlling parents who would keep me in the house whilst ignoring me). Frustration turned into anxiety, turned into depression, and perpetuated my suicidal feelings. I saw myself at odds with most people around me, because I've always been excessively existential. I didn't have any aspirations or dreams by the time I graduated; I got bored of every interest and hobby I tried, so I didn't see much hope in finding something I'd want to spend a whole career doing. I thought everything would change when I got to college.

    When I got there, I was away from my parents' influence and found a niche of friends with whom I had a ton in common with; I got together with a wonderful girl who I've been dating for about a year and a half now. But, going into my third year of college, I still feel the same. I feel severely detached from my friends, and I feel like I'm becoming numb to my girlfriend, though by all standards everything is going great. Everything feels like it's growing numb, like the world is growing fake in front of me, and I'm sitting in the back of my head looking out of my eyes like windows. There is nothing wrong with my life on the surface, and yet I am feeling worse than I ever had in my entire life growing up. I don't know why I feel this way. The closest I can figure is that I think too much; I'm an absolute nihilist/relativist. I don't believe there's a point in living, except for reasons you make for yourself. And, for whatever reason, that fact bothers me, and keeps me from caring about making my own reason to live. But, for all I know, that could just be me desperately trying to rationalize how I'm feeling. The truth is, I don't have any definite idea why I am the way I am, or how I got here. People wonder why others are suicidal, and I can only stare back in bewilderment, because I always approached the question with a "why not?" I don't need a reason to die, I need a reason to live. And, it's really hard to do that when I am utterly nihilistic.

    I can hardly focus in my day to day living; I'm scatterbrained, and I can't get anything done. I'm an insomniac (it's 4 in the morning here), and I resist sleep for no good reason. I did some research and found that my feelings are concurrent with what they call "de-realization", which can be a symptom of anxiety, or something. But, to be honest, I don't want therapy. Most therapies I've seen my friends go through are about trying to get the patient to stop worrying about the whole meaning of life, philosophical junk; trying to get them to focus on the positive parts of life. But, if the best solution people have is to simply learn to ignore the discouraging questions I am asking myself rather than finding solutions (which, I realize, are questions that nobody can answer), then I don't want to be a part of this world anyway. I want answers to questions that nobody can answer, and I fear that these questions may just be my brain trying to fill a hole it doesn't understand.

    My greatest aspiration right now is to off myself; I don't want to graduate college or get a career. The only thing tethering me to life right now is my girlfriend; she is the only one who I care about hurting with my death. But, when I think of how she would get over me in time, while I have been stuck in this perpetual (worsening) state for over half my life, I could see things picking back up for her long before I could sort myself out in this life.

    I don't want to go to therapy and learn to think differently. I certainly don't want to keep on feeling this way (or, god forbid, live to see the day I stop caring about my girlfriend like everything else). But, I don't really want to feel better, either. I just want to cease. Given the choice, I can honestly say I would rather stop existing than spend eternity in heaven (if such a thing exists).

    School starts back up in late August; I don't plan on being there, or anywhere.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    This is depression talking here You are not yourself and not thinking clearly because of the depression You need to get control back in your life and the first step is going to see your doctor. Your GP and tell him the way your feeling and for how long. Don't let depression take away you life get something for it and start living life again You have the control to do this get your life back ask doctor for help so you don't continue down this dark path.
    keep talking here to so we can be supportive. Please do this for you
  3. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    hi there ..
    welcome 2 the forums .. im sorry 2 read ur feeling this way ..
    as mary said alot of what ur feeling sounds like depression .. and not treated depression generally tends 2 get worse over time .. trust me i kno ! i know u said u dont want 2 see a therapist 2 'change the way u think' .. but it could be of some help .. u sound like a very intelligent person .. im sure u could take what u need from sessions and discard the bits u dont want if needs be .. have u tried medication ? it helps alot of ppl ..
    i hope u start 2 feel better soon .. :hug:
  4. Maeetras

    Maeetras Member

    I feel utterly eroded. My passions are a shell of what they once were. I don't have the energy to care what happens at this point, and my mind is so utterly clouded and convoluted that I couldn't even begin to unravel it. I don't have the personal drive to go through with therapy. Thank you to the two people here who gave me words of kindness, but I am simply not capable of giving a fuck about what happens now. I am too detached to care, to attempt meds or therapy, or to do anything.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    If your at this point then the depression needs to be treated now. You need to take control of this NOW there is always a little fight left inside you to say it has got to stop I have got to make this situation better. Call anyone to help you as obviously as you say you don't have the strength so call someone to be that strength until you get stable. Call crisis line talk with them and get them to see you need help. Call 911 get help GEt yourself out of the enviroment your in and start looking at things differently go for a walk go shopping do anything to change that mind of yours YOU are worth it You are important You have to reach out now and get help stop your Pain you in
    stop it now CAll crisis line supplied here and start feeling better today
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