I don't want to fix it.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Isolde, Jul 18, 2011.

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  1. Isolde

    Isolde Active Member

    I've come to the realization that I do, in fact, have an eating disorder.

    But I don't want to fix it. It's not that I *want* to be like this. I know that it's not healthy. I know that staying this way will probably make it harder for me to look like I want to look. But I just feel so disgusting after I eat. I hate myself for eating a full meal. This full feeling in my stomach makes me despise how weak I am and how little resolve I have. I feel guilty for snacking.

    Sometimes I even tell myself "I need to eat more". But it's just lip service. Sometimes I'll manage to eat a fair bit. Usually on the weekend when I'm alone. But then I feel like a horrible horrid creature afterwards. And even when I 'eat a lot'. It's not that much.

    Today I didn't have breakfast, I had a bottle of water, and I felt that I 'was supposed to eat'. I never make a lunch anymore, so I had to go buy something. I bought a veggie burger, small fries and a drink. I threw away half the drink, but I still feel gross and disappointed with myself. Both disappointed with the fact that I ate 'a lot', and with the fact that I still feel like I need to starve myself. On my way back to my office I spent the entire time thinking about how I can't have anything for dinner now - maybe vegetable broth.

    And what bothers me the most is that I just don't want to fix this.

    Sorry. I'm pretty sure this was just a rant. o_O

  2. roscho

    roscho Well-Known Member

    Maybe its just something that is reliable. When I'm off my good habits, I usually find comfort in bad ones. Then something recreates interest in the good ones again and I'm back in a better place. I know outside influences drive me off my good habits and only myself can draw me back to them.

    Keep thinking about it and even ranting, Lauren. You help others by ranting.
  3. Isolde

    Isolde Active Member


    I still don't know how to handle this. But it helped to have someone reply and acknowledge my frustrations.

  4. Jeserai

    Jeserai Well-Known Member

    it helped for me to write down the positive aspects of my eating disorder, and the negative aspects. At first there where more positive aspects then negative. But later, after therapy, there where more negative aspects.
    But yeah, it was hard to work on it. Motivation is difficult. Do you know where from you can get some motivation?
  5. roscho

    roscho Well-Known Member

    Good point about motivation - my experience has been it came from places I didn't expect it. With me it happened when I least expected it. I think our problems often revolve around expectations. We excel when least expected.
  6. savetoniqht

    savetoniqht Well-Known Member

    I'm in the same boat. I don't want to be like this at all, and parts of me want to fix it, but there are definitely parts of me that don't. :|
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