I don't want to get better anymore

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by imalone, Mar 7, 2016.

  1. imalone

    imalone Well-Known Member

    My mind keeps making me believe that I don't want to seek help and that I don't want to get better, it makes me just want to die.

    Ever since this weekend started everything has just gone really downhill (more than usual) I've started eating much less, I'm losing my motivation to do anything, I've started SH deeper and more often and in much worse conditions and I've been purposefully keeping myself awake all night.

    I'm always worried and stressed out about every little thing in life (whether it matters or not) And its gotten worse. I just can't stop thinking negative things. If I'm not thinking about how worthless I am, I'm thinking about killing myself or how my friends actually hate me and don't care about me. I feel like no-one cares. No-one ever checks to see if I have any new scars anymore. No-one asks me if I'm okay (whether I am crying, pinching/scratching myself or just being really sad) No-one comforts me, no-one shows they care. I knew they all hated me from the start. They just tolerate me.

    I can't stop thinking about death, and I kind of dont want to stop thinking about it. I don't want to get better, I just want an opperatunity to rise where I can take my life. I'm ugly. I'm always crying. I'm so insecure. I'm always in pain. My body is covered in scars and scratches and bruises. I'm worthless. I'm never good enough. I'm alone. I have no motivation. No life. I have nothing. I am nothing. The only reason I am not gone is because I don't have access to any things that could kill me, but I want to die. I've given up with hoping thing will get better. Whenever I'm told that nothing good ever happens, I just get my hopes up, only for them to be dragged back down, deeper than before.

    I'm losing myself. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Big hugs hun.
    Reach out, tell someone.
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    You said it yourself, hun, it's your mind tricking you into thinking all these things, not sleeping is only making you more vulnerable as well.

    Please get some help. Write down a message to a teacher or better yet a doctor and ask them to help you.
    You can be helped, and you deserve it too. You really do.

    You saying that you know it's your mind making you believe that is a good sign, use that knowledge to fight it.

  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Be strong my friend as I feel your hurt. Life is important and precious. We care about you and never doubt that. Please keep posting and let's us help you see the light.