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I don't want to get better.

#1
I don’t know what I want t to achieve with this post – I guess it’s just to vent myself in some way. I apologise if this post is difficult to read. My thoughts are all over the place and can’t really pot my thoughts together, so I apologise if this thread is one big word-salad.

A bit of context. I’m a 20 years old guy in the UK. I’m practically graduate from college and I’ll receive good grades in the areas I won’t pursue. Even though I’ll most likely have very good grades in IT courses, I’m not going to pursue work or parentship within the IT industry, and I’ll most likely spend the rest of my life working in retail as I am right now. I applied for multiple positions and parent ships related to my college courses, but since I was denied on practically every single of them, I don’t think there is much of career choice for me.

I’ve struggled with depression since I’ve attended college. This is due to my past experience in my secondary school, relationship with my parents and other experiences related to my family members. I have attended a few sessions with my school canceler to talk about my well-being and even attended CBT online, but neither of the treatments was very effective. The cancelling sessions were effective for a short-term, but on long-term, they were basically useless, and I didn’t finish my CBT course since I stopped caring about it and didn’t find any meaning or motivation in actually completing the course.

I’m not an outgoing person. I spend all my time isolating myself in my room without speaking to anyone. I used to have few friends online with whom I’ve spoken frequently, but I’ve ghosted them and cut contacts with them since I haven’t seen a reason why a moron like me should waste their time. I don’t speak with my family frequently either, even though I live with them. I don’t see anything worth discussing with them and even if there is, I wouldn’t mention anything about it to them.

I don’t find enjoyment in anything nowadays. Video games, art or anything really doesn’t give me any enjoyment now, and even if I’m doing it is to kill some time and not to get bored. I’m talentless and pathetic in everything I’m doing, so other than time-wasting, I don’t find value in anything I do.

I look on myself and try to figure out why am I acting this way. Why I don’t find anything entertaining anymore and why I decided to not complete the CBT. The only reasonable answer I could think of is that I simply don’t want to get helped nor get better. I mean, I really can’t see any other explanation for this. I don’t value myself in any shape or form, I actively engage in self-destructive behaviours for years now; the only reason must that my hatred towards myself is so strong that I want nothing but to kill myself.

I was suicidal for a long time and I still want to kill myself, but I know that I can’t do it right now. The best scenario for me would be to wait a year or so until my parents move out, so I can cut contact with everyone and die. I wish it would happen sooner though since then the trash like myself would finally stop wasting oxygen.
 

GMody

Well-Known Member
#2
You are so young. You got many years to years to live. From your post I fathom you are being too harsh on yourself. I would suggest you should reconnect with your online friends. And try to connect with people in real life. Are you taking antidepressants, if not then meet a psychiatrist. Do find a compassionate and caring counselor. That will do you a world of good. You seem to be very pessimistic at present. Indulge in activities/hobbies that give you joy. Please do not think of suicide. As far as job/career is concerned you will definitely find one soon. Give it time.
 
#3
I agree with reconnecting with online friends ^
just because you think lowly of yourself doesnt mean your friends do/did, otherwise they would've likely cut you off themselves but they didnt. Be careful assuming what people think of you, you dont want to make them feel like they did something wrong, otherwise its kinda making a self-fulfilling prophecy- you assume they think lowly of you so you cut them off cause you think you're doing them a favour, when actually its probably just confusing them and making them wonder if they did something wrong and put you off or they might think you dont like them and therefore that could cause them to think lowly of you when they wouldnt have done if you didnt cut them off to begin with. Hope that made sense, not meaning to sound triggering or anything, and if they're nice people they'll understand why you ghosted if you explain, just want you to be aware incase you miss out on things from your own mind tricking you. It's easy to feel bad, I've been through that a lot, I get it, but we have to try to be open minded as generally most people dont think as badly of us as we think they do. Stay strong
 

UKDude

Well-Known Member
#4
Sorry to hear you feel that way,I'm pretty low myself.

I however have had 50 years to make a flip up of my life, I hope you find a way to work through how you feel.

I'd give anything to be 20 again.
 

Paisley

* * *
SF Artist
SF Supporter
#5
Definitely pursue IT. Not only is it a profession that's only on the rise, you might feel better about yourself if you're doing something you're really good at which is also in high demand. It won't be easy to get an IT job without professional experience (which is also the same situation that I'm in) but it sure as hell beats retail. I've worked retail and I am not going back. Maybe look into if there are any IT co-op programs that your school offers. All the best.
 

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