I don’t know what I want t to achieve with this post – I guess it’s just to vent myself in some way. I apologise if this post is difficult to read. My thoughts are all over the place and can’t really pot my thoughts together, so I apologise if this thread is one big word-salad.
A bit of context. I’m a 20 years old guy in the UK. I’m practically graduate from college and I’ll receive good grades in the areas I won’t pursue. Even though I’ll most likely have very good grades in IT courses, I’m not going to pursue work or parentship within the IT industry, and I’ll most likely spend the rest of my life working in retail as I am right now. I applied for multiple positions and parent ships related to my college courses, but since I was denied on practically every single of them, I don’t think there is much of career choice for me.
I’ve struggled with depression since I’ve attended college. This is due to my past experience in my secondary school, relationship with my parents and other experiences related to my family members. I have attended a few sessions with my school canceler to talk about my well-being and even attended CBT online, but neither of the treatments was very effective. The cancelling sessions were effective for a short-term, but on long-term, they were basically useless, and I didn’t finish my CBT course since I stopped caring about it and didn’t find any meaning or motivation in actually completing the course.
I’m not an outgoing person. I spend all my time isolating myself in my room without speaking to anyone. I used to have few friends online with whom I’ve spoken frequently, but I’ve ghosted them and cut contacts with them since I haven’t seen a reason why a moron like me should waste their time. I don’t speak with my family frequently either, even though I live with them. I don’t see anything worth discussing with them and even if there is, I wouldn’t mention anything about it to them.
I don’t find enjoyment in anything nowadays. Video games, art or anything really doesn’t give me any enjoyment now, and even if I’m doing it is to kill some time and not to get bored. I’m talentless and pathetic in everything I’m doing, so other than time-wasting, I don’t find value in anything I do.
I look on myself and try to figure out why am I acting this way. Why I don’t find anything entertaining anymore and why I decided to not complete the CBT. The only reasonable answer I could think of is that I simply don’t want to get helped nor get better. I mean, I really can’t see any other explanation for this. I don’t value myself in any shape or form, I actively engage in self-destructive behaviours for years now; the only reason must that my hatred towards myself is so strong that I want nothing but to kill myself.
I was suicidal for a long time and I still want to kill myself, but I know that I can’t do it right now. The best scenario for me would be to wait a year or so until my parents move out, so I can cut contact with everyone and die. I wish it would happen sooner though since then the trash like myself would finally stop wasting oxygen.
A bit of context. I’m a 20 years old guy in the UK. I’m practically graduate from college and I’ll receive good grades in the areas I won’t pursue. Even though I’ll most likely have very good grades in IT courses, I’m not going to pursue work or parentship within the IT industry, and I’ll most likely spend the rest of my life working in retail as I am right now. I applied for multiple positions and parent ships related to my college courses, but since I was denied on practically every single of them, I don’t think there is much of career choice for me.
I’ve struggled with depression since I’ve attended college. This is due to my past experience in my secondary school, relationship with my parents and other experiences related to my family members. I have attended a few sessions with my school canceler to talk about my well-being and even attended CBT online, but neither of the treatments was very effective. The cancelling sessions were effective for a short-term, but on long-term, they were basically useless, and I didn’t finish my CBT course since I stopped caring about it and didn’t find any meaning or motivation in actually completing the course.
I’m not an outgoing person. I spend all my time isolating myself in my room without speaking to anyone. I used to have few friends online with whom I’ve spoken frequently, but I’ve ghosted them and cut contacts with them since I haven’t seen a reason why a moron like me should waste their time. I don’t speak with my family frequently either, even though I live with them. I don’t see anything worth discussing with them and even if there is, I wouldn’t mention anything about it to them.
I don’t find enjoyment in anything nowadays. Video games, art or anything really doesn’t give me any enjoyment now, and even if I’m doing it is to kill some time and not to get bored. I’m talentless and pathetic in everything I’m doing, so other than time-wasting, I don’t find value in anything I do.
I look on myself and try to figure out why am I acting this way. Why I don’t find anything entertaining anymore and why I decided to not complete the CBT. The only reasonable answer I could think of is that I simply don’t want to get helped nor get better. I mean, I really can’t see any other explanation for this. I don’t value myself in any shape or form, I actively engage in self-destructive behaviours for years now; the only reason must that my hatred towards myself is so strong that I want nothing but to kill myself.
I was suicidal for a long time and I still want to kill myself, but I know that I can’t do it right now. The best scenario for me would be to wait a year or so until my parents move out, so I can cut contact with everyone and die. I wish it would happen sooner though since then the trash like myself would finally stop wasting oxygen.
