I Don't Want To Go Back There

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Buggsy2008, Apr 24, 2010.

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  1. Buggsy2008

    Buggsy2008 Well-Known Member

    I haven't been on the site since January.. which I think is an achievement for me personally.. Those of you that remember me know i'm a cutter. . . I haven't done it since around December time.. which isn't the longest i've gone without doing it by a long shot.. but it's a start...

    I was beginning to think i'd finally beaten it. . .even went as far as to come off of my anti-depressants.. but as predicted my mood has been getting worse.. I find myself getting wound up at the slightest thing.. for instance just now I was trying to set my phone up to synchronise with the service providers website and couldn't get it to work.. I was almost in tears... if something like this can get me going then im worried at what affect a real stressful situation would have.

    I know the answer seems simple.. go back on the meds.. the problem is I dont want to go back to relying on them. When im on them it kind of numbs my emotions.. which is good for stopping the bad ones but it also stops the good ones.. i rarely actually feel anything.. i laugh at jokes and I know that whatever i am doing is making me happy or angry etc but I dont actually FEEL those emotions.. on the flip side im worried that with my mood going downhill again I will start the S.H again.. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place and I just don't know what to do..

    I can't just give in and cut, because I know I will get found out in a few days time, I have a hospital appointment where I will be having a scan which involves the areas I cut being on show.. my aunt will be there and she will see them.. I dont know if I can hold off until all threat of being in a situation where I need to reveal those areas goes away.. and I know I can't just embrace it and accept it because my family would go mad and it'd be added stress I just couldn't cope with.

    Oh, I don't know what to do!!!! The tablets are the lesser of the two evils in as much as they don't leave scars etc... but I can handle the stress etc when i'm S.H'ing.. I have all my emotions in working order and when the bad ones get to much I have that release.. the hardest bit is just hiding it from people..

    I hate the thought of having to rely on meds to live my life in relative peace. . . I'm sat here now, seriously wanting to bring out my 'Kit'.. which I haven't even given a second glance since December let alone had to use..

    I thought i'd come on here and see if it would help. I'm scared of relapsing back into that life and not being able to get out of it again.. the last time I stopped for a significant amount of time it was horrible.. and each time I make the choice to stop it's really hard.. so to be on the verge of 'relapsing' after only a few months it makes me wonder why I bother stopping in the first place..

    Im not sure what im asking of you really.. im just counting on your collective experience helping me work things through without resorting to S.H. . .

    I know it's not a 'crisis' as in a life threatening one.. but to me it is a huge crisis as this .. addiction.. i seem to have to S.H'ing is ruling my life. I'm either stopping or relapsing.. I know like with any addiction I will never be 'cured' but to be classed as a recovering addict would be nice.. I know S.H'ing is more of an illness/disorder than an addiction but I think it has all the merits of an addiction when you think about it.. and it seems to help to classify it as such.

    Thanks for taking the time to read my ranting x
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey i have tried several times to go off meds only to find i am worse so much worse without them I want to have a stablelife a good one so i have to take meds i have accepted that now. Just like anyone else with an illness diabetics person who thyroid not working they too have to take meds rest life
    If the meds give you a life without sadness and pain it doesn't make sense to not want to go on them they stablize you.

    get back on the meds okay get backto feeling better if you do that you won't have to use negative coping skills again take care
  3. ballinluig

    ballinluig Well-Known Member

    sorry to hear your not doing so good after a few months off the s/h.

    I think the point is that you need to look at your self and accept that your ill. just because you cant see a mental illness like if you have a stookie on a broken arm or a something that you can psycially see then why take medication. You've shown great stregnth in not self harming please try and get the meds to help instead of a blade. You said yourself that youve gone downhill since you came off the meds.....!

    I have to take my meds, 3 weeks ago i came down from 300mg to 225mg of venlafaxine after 2 years on the higher dose. In the 3 weeks i was on 225mg i went straight back to square one, just like that. Two years of progress wiped out becasue of the trying to cut down on dose. Its just not worth it.:mellow:

    Im resided to take the meds for how ever long it is. If its for 5 years, 10 years or life I dont mind beacause I dont waont to go down to the pits of hell ever again.

    Hope it helps to read posts from other. Do take care and I truely hope the 'kit' stays away-(p.s, I was a s/h aswell once upon a time, not now for over a year) so i do where your coming from. donnaxx:hugtackles:
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