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I don't want to go back.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Beka, Jun 17, 2015.

  1. Beka

    Beka Well-Known Member

    I haven't actually posted here in a while, I kept myself busy I guess. So busy that I lost a friend along the way and I'm deeply saddened because I wasn't there for him when I should have been.

    I've recently finished therapy. In the last couple weeks all I could think of was 'Yeah I can't wait to get my life and not have it revolve around therapy and I can get full time hours and everything will be great because I feel so much better'. How wrong was I haha.

    Now I'm actually out of therapy, I don't have that outlet and it's all getting a bit too much to handle. I keep thinking to myself, you'll be fine, you've done this before etc. But that's not really dealing with it though? I'm scared, no, scrap that. I'm terrified because I do not want to go back in that dark place. But what if in avoiding that place, I create a new dark place? I don't like not being in control of my BPD.

    I'm meant to be doing a type of group therapy. Supposed to start in spring. But that didn't happen did it? Because they said they'd call me back and they didn't. So my name got crossed off the list. Don't know if I want to try the pills again, I could and they'd help a little bit but then if I go back to that place would I OD again?

    I'm terrified of myself and I don't know what to do. There's only so much distraction that my job will provide.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Beka, I can relate as I have borderline personality disorder too and it sure can wreak havoc with your emotions, hell sometimes I feel i am not even in control of myself.
    What kind of job are you doing? Is it giving you any relief at all?
    Keep us updated please <3