I don't want to go on any more

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by lostgirl88, Feb 6, 2014.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. lostgirl88

    lostgirl88 Member

    My story is not that different from so many, I recently marked the 32nd anniversary of the first I thought about dying and how to do it. I am in my mid 40's my children are almost fully grown and yes of the two people in the world that I have confessed these feelings to in the present tense both have raked me over the coals for the "life long damage I will do to them" but I don't think I can continue to hold on even for them. I am single, family relationships are strained and getting worse , I say that because the last time I spoke to my mother she was mad at me as I and my current unemployment situation had caused a fight between her and my father, he was mad at her for some advice she gave me and so it just made things so cozy and loving. I have been unemployed for 6 months, I have enough money to last through February if I am lucky which usually I'm not. I have applied for so any jobs in the last 6 myths I have almost filled an 8 gb flash drive with application material: letters, resumes, references, formal applications all kept to document for unemployment. I am losing my health insurance because I can't afford to pay the premiums and have had nothing but excuses and run around from the govt website so I will end up owing the govt because I couldn't afford it. Which is just the way my life goes because I have been being treated for PTSD by a therapist for 2 years who is hinting now that he wants to drop me as I have become to complex which I read as code for BROKE with no INSURANCE. I am scheduled to see my neuro one last time but not sure why to bother I am still suffering from daily chronic pain non of which is resolved by the expensive injections, PT, tTENS units, Botox, seizure meds, anti depressant meds, Benzos, biofeedback, vitamin and mineral supplements etc they have pumped into my body since they found the brain malformation. I am tired, I am broke, losing my home, which is fine but there aren't any shelters here to move into, so what does my kid do about school? If I were gone there is no more pain not physical, not emotional, not mental. My life insurance is paid up for another 6 months and I have had the policy long enough it will pay out even for suicide. Everyone wins, the kids are free from a mom that can't function and was never a good mother to begin with, I am free from all of my different pain.

    I am not sure what I am asking for here, maybe it was just a chance to tell my story. I used to think if I was going to do it I would <mod edit - method> about being unemployed is the new friends you meet with all your free time, they can help me with the pain in ways my doctors never would. I have three weeks to get details finalized, maybe this is what happens to people when God dangles their dream job in front of them through so many levels of employment proses only to throw me under the bus in the end and wonder why people question faith or his benevolence
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 6, 2014
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi.
    i am sorry things are so hard. I am wondering something. Could you possibly get disability? Sounds like you have enough going on so it may well be a possibiity. I am wondering if you have considered this. I had to file. I found someone to help me to file. And used an attorney to appeal the rejections. It might be worth considering.
     
  3. lostgirl88

    lostgirl88 Member

    I have thought about disability, unfortunately, it takes time something I really don't have, and it takes support from doctors to do more than take your money and say well gee our tests don't show anything significant. This brain issue is not "significant" their words not mine and couldn't possibly be the cause of my issues. So I have little hope that I would qualify for disability, the next course of action that would be recommended instead in brain surgery to potentially correct the malformation, but again since it isn't significant no one will do the surgery, nice catch-22
     
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am sorry you have not found the right medical people. That is horrible. Would psychiatric disability be a possibility? Would a pdoc or therapist vouch for you to not be able to work at this time? I understand it takes time to get on to disability. Yes, indeed. But still, it might be worth it to start the process if at all possible. Because if somehow you financially make it through past february, then you can have disability income in your future. Just was thinking that if you are on antidepressants and benzos, and you are being treated for PTSD, then maybe psychiatric disability could be a possibility. I really hope that something can happen to give you the break that you deserve
     
  5. lostgirl88

    lostgirl88 Member

    I know my old STD company didn't pay out for psychiatric related disability so not sure what options I would have in terms of disability the govt doesn't make it something easy to obtain and without an employer I don't have long term disability insurance looks like strike 3 I'm out
     
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    it looked like I had everything against my chances when I applied. It looked impossible. But I was desparate enough so I tried. Because I honestly had no other option. And I actually got it. I am not going to say it was easy. I had everything against me for getting it. But I fought and eventually, with the help of an attorney got it. So sometimes what looks impossible is possible. Or so it was in my case. I was bona fied disabled. But I had not worked in a very long time. So long that I was told it is impossible.

    But attorneys make their money in turning the impossible into possible. I found someone who was good. And he found a way to build a case based on past records. Our circumstances are different. But again, attourneys often have ways of finding ways to do things when it doesnt look possible. Perhaps it might be a good idea to consult with a good disability lawyer. To get his or her expert opinion if there is a way to work around things.
     
  7. fam6236

    fam6236 Member

    I believe money is the main issue with people and suicide. I battle this situation everyday. Its even worse when your someone who once made a lot of money and then goes to unemployed and not making it at all. I would think of your children in this situation. Being gone and not there for them will only make their lives worse. I have racing thoughts of suicide everyday. I do not want to go down to a level of poverty. I see how you said you had enough money to get you only a couple months. There has to be some help you can get with assistance. Listen suicide will effect everyone around you. Think before you act
     
  8. lostgirl88

    lostgirl88 Member

    Please don't take this the wrong way fam6236 but my depression and suicidal ideation is not an extension of my financial issues. If you read my entire first while I didn't scream it out I have dealt with these feelings and thoughts since I was very young the first time I tried to reach out for help by talking about it with someone which ended up being a more frightening and traumatic experience than the feelings themselves I was 12. Money was not an issue, I was the issue, my self hated, loathing no self esteem, being bullied in my own home by family members I guess the PC term would be emotional and mental abuse, that was almost enough to drown in, I didn't trust anyone of authority parents, teachers, administrators police clergy for assorted reasons where they had shown me that they would protect each other over me every time, the curse/joy of rural community life for me. My issues became worse when I was raped at gunpoint by my boyfriend at 16, he bragged about breaking the ice queen and I was subsequently raped again the next evening by another boy after he got me drunk telling me I had given it up once what was the big deal. So I am sorry to say that my dreams of dying come from the fact that I don't want to continue to relive the nightmares that hide behind my closed eyes. I would love to say my nightmares ended there but they didn't, by the time I was 20 I was raped two mor times, I have always wondered if I give off some type of vibe to men that gives them permission they think to treat me horribly. I ended up marrying a physically, mentally and emotionally abusive man for 12 years. I have been alone now for almost 9 years, I don't date, socialize go to parties or bars I avoid anywhere there may be trouble but it is a lonely life and a hard life to teach my children not to follow because I want them to have a healthier life without the nightmares I have. They don't know what I have been thru and I intend to keep it that way. You see 3 weeks ago I had to make a choice sanity/life or financial stability/new job. I was offered a position in the community where one of my rapes occurred where my rapist still lives, works and is raising his family. I turned the job down because just the act of being in town to interview triggered a panic attack, flashback and fear to the core, I couldn't face that every day, no matter how badly I need the job. I am not afraid of poverty, I have been there before and I don't mind working 2-3 jobs to make ends meet but doing all of that, isn't going to do me a bit of good if I can't function because the PTSD flashback and the trauma take over my brain. What the idea of suicide offers me is peace, a quiet mind, no screams, terror, fear, no pain something I have been living with since that first night 28 years ago no pain or self hatred or self loathing
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 7, 2014
  9. lostgirl88

    lostgirl88 Member

    I seem to have given up on sleep the past few days, I am not sure what is keeping me awake. Is it the desire to hold on to these moments as if they may be my last searching for a reason to stay? Is it that I am afraid of the monsters that hide behind my eyelids seen only by me and so much scarier than anything Hollywood can imagine. I am trying to find ways to move past this overwhelming cloud. I have begun playing games with myself in which I reward myself if I make it through an hour where being alive is a positive thing. I left the house for most of the day the last two days in a row. I can't say my actions were particularly forward thinking but they did cause me to stop and make plans for additional activities next week so if I can hold on to that it is something to look forward to. The scariest thing for me is I am afraid that I am going to begin depending upon. My son too much, he received his license this week and I must fight myself not to withdraw further from the world. I am so tired of everything I should probably get help but that would mean in-patient, it wouldn't be covered under what has been covered already by insurance, there is no one for my son to stay with so then what happens? And realistically in-patient means any chance of ever finding a job above minimum wage will be gone forever so I might as well end my life instead. Maybe it is time to just let go.
     
  10. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am sorry the pain is so intense. You say that there is no one to watch your son if you are inpatient. Your son would be without you forever if you succumbed to death. Please do everything in your power to make sure your son never has to know this agony. Please reach out for help and work with someone to figure out how to proceded with medications. Loss of sleep makes things worse. Please, for the sake of your son, do reach out again and again. I know it can be so horribly hard when there are no good answers coming your way. When all you hear is no. But for the sake of your son, would it be possible to keep trying to reach out where you live? Please dont give up. Can you call united way and explain your situation and see if they can think of someone who can help? Some place where you can turn. They have a huge database of resources. Some, for people who are falling through the cracks of the system. In most towns and cities they can be reached by calling 211 on the phone. Sometimes calling more than once yelds different names and phone numbers to call for help. Because different workers have different skills at accessing info from their database. Sending you these if its okay :hug: :hug:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 8, 2014
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.