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I don't want to go on anymore..

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by downmage, Mar 24, 2009.

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  1. downmage

    downmage Well-Known Member

    I have failed at everything I've ever done. I need to leave here, but I have no money. I don't want to live out of my car. I wish I could have a heart attack or something. I thought I would have my own house by now, a wife, you know..living in a better neighborhood. Yet, I am still here.

    You know, I am not sure I can kill myself. I have been afraid my whole freaking life. I am tired of being paranoid. I am tired of being harassed and I am tired of people lying about me. Nothing has worked out for me. Nothing. I am getting too old for this shit.

    But if I do commit suicide, it would devistate my grandmother. My mom and my brother. The only reason I take meds is to dull my senses. At least when I am asleep, I don't think about my life and the mess that it's in. I can't stop people spreading lies about me. There is nothing I can do about it.

    I sleep, watch tv and go on the computer. Sum life right? All of my dreams are dead. I have to worry about others who believe lies about me..that they might attack me. I don't know how to fight this. I dont' care anymore.

    Am not sure about tommorow. Not sure what I got to look forward to.
  2. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    Hello :hug:

    What is happening in you life? Maybe I or other members can help you with things out.
    Talking about it helps too sometimes.

    I just hope that you read this message in safety!

    Take care :arms:
  3. walkin

    walkin Active Member

    hi, i sort of have similar problems to you and I can relate to how your feel when you say your not sure If you can kill yourself.
    I also, cant seem to figure out for certain if I can kill myself and that if I really want to die or do i just want to try for new life some how.
    All i can say to you is that i understand your feelings of hopelessness and failure. And i dont know what other helpful advice i can give, sorry.
    Maybe other members might have better ideas or thoughts on your situation.:smile:
  4. walkin

    walkin Active Member

    I forgot to add- that its good that you can hold on to your grandmother , mom, and brother as support for not killing yourself.
  5. Panther

    Panther Well-Known Member

    First off, failure does not mean defeat. Giving up on your dreams because of failure is not worth it. What is it you're afraid of and/or paranoid about? And what lies?
  6. downmage

    downmage Well-Known Member

    It's too long of a story to get into on here..just I feel that everything and everyone is closing in on me. I feel presure to take my life..but I don't think I can go thru with it.

    I feel like a fraud and a loser. I can't even handle my own shit anymore. I run from confrontation..my dogs are braver than me. I just want to die, but I dont' think I can do it.
  7. downmage

    downmage Well-Known Member

    I went back and forth deciding whether to post this or not. I will understand if the Moderators pull this post, it's there website they can do as they please.

    But, for the last couple of weeks, I have been watching a lot of violent viedos on the internet. I am not a violent person by nature, but I think I was trying to desenstize myself towards things of this nature, so in hopes of giving me the courage to take my own life. I watched a lot of wrestling matches with barbed wire, accidents, people getting killed but by far the most goryist thing on the internet is the terrorist beheadings.

    I found it very difficult to watch these beheadings. Your watching someone get murdered for Chirst sake. But there was one viedo of a young man who was in Africa and appartantly a group of these Muslim's over in Somalia had as prisoner a young man, I would say that he was in his 20's, with his hands tied behind his back. As the group of Muslims were chanting and reading outloud from a book ( maybe this was the Koran, I don't know ), the condemded young man didn't fear dying. He just had a very confident look on his face while the people were working themselves up into a frenzy.

    On the website it said that this young man's crime was that he was a Chirstian. But to me it just looked like the young man had come to terms with fact that these people behind me were going to kill him. If he was in fear, it didn't show on his face. If he believed that he was going to a better place, like heaven to be with Jesus, or what he was thinking about..but to me, it seemed that he didn't have a problem with dying.

    I wish I was like this young man. If a group of people were going to cut my head off, I would be scared shit-less..you know? He had come to terms with his life here on earth. I mean..how could he be so brave, knowing what was going to happen to him?! Maybe his faith in a higher power was so unshakable..I don't know.

    I can't get that image out of my mind. And there is more to think about then just dying. I know that this is a pro-life website and maybe this kind of stuff isn't really needed on a site like this. But maybe I need to come to terms with things going on in my life. Let whatever happens to me, happen. Just let the shit come to me, and just deal with it when it happens..instead of concentrating on killing myself all the time. Because I don't know if I can do it.

    I don't know. The meds I take don't take pain I have away. I dread tommorow. I don't if I can make thru tommorow. The days are so long, and predictable. I wish I had the faith that this young man had, he believed in something. God, something..you know? I don't have that. I mean, I think that there might be an afterlife or something like that where the soul lives on..but I don't know.

    Well that's enough for right now, as I have too many things on my mind and I need to cut this short. Bye for now.
  8. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    i'm sorry for all your pain.

    it is positive that you reached out, and shared all this pain. it is also positive that you have reasons for not leaving. if you take your life, you'll cause irreparable damage to these loved ones. it leaves a gaping wound that never heals. that alone is reason to keep struggling

    life can turn around in an instant -
    try to lean on us here. we all understand where you are coming from and i really hope we can be support for you.
    xxx :console:
  9. Samantha

    Samantha Well-Known Member

    The meds are we allowed take about them here I think there was section for that I cannot find it,

    When was the last time you had your meds monitored?

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