I don't want to go on. I just do not want to.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by SweetTearsOfDeath, Jan 10, 2011.

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  1. SweetTearsOfDeath

    SweetTearsOfDeath Well-Known Member

    I wish I could just start over... I am so unhappy. I weep everynight and get terrified of mydreams. I feel like my life is a lie. That everything that people say to me is a lie or a joke. I feel like everyone just loves the mask I wearing, not who I actually am. I feel like the only person who understands me, is my step dad. I don't even understand myself. I'm scared to. I'm afraid of dealing with myself and I'm afraid to do anything. I'm home alone today because I'm "sick". I should be at school attending my tenth grade honors classes... I just couldn't do it today.
    My mother has started drinking and smoking. I can't stand being close her anymore because she wreeks of smoke and alchohal. Of all the days I want to commit that awful seven letter word... I think of her. Early 2010 her father commited suicide about six months after a horrible failed attempt. He (mod total eclipse) five minutes before we were suposed to pick him up to take him to the store. . My mother still continues to cry at the mention of his name. She has a few mental conditions that are huge, as does everyone on her side of the family. Including me. Now, if I commited the same seven worded letter as my grandfather did.. What would happen to my mother? Her oldest and her most beloved daughter took her life. Odds are, she would do the same. Now, imagine her thirteen year old son if she had did that... My little brother would never be himself ever again. Scared in a way that no one can imagine. Of all the days I feel down and want to take my life. I think of them. They are the ONLY REASON in which I do not. I wish I was in a terrible freak accident in which I would never return. I can not take this anymore... I wish I would just die. I don't want to do on... I just do not want to.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 10, 2011
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you are suffering so greatly i hope you have some supports in place. It sounds like you mother needs help too. You are right it would devastate her if you left. Have you a councellor at the school you can talk to It does help to talk so you don't feel so alone in this struggle .
     
  3. Qube

    Qube Well-Known Member

    Hey tubachikk,

    Sorry that you are going through this problem.
    Please dont give up. Your brother and ur mom needs you. Please dont give up.

    I am here if you want to talk.

    Do not hesitate to PM me.
     
  4. SweetTearsOfDeath

    SweetTearsOfDeath Well-Known Member

    I'm trying. I told my mother that maybe I should so see some one to talk. A therapist or a counsilar or something... She said no. I "Do not belong there".... I told her that mabye I should go to a mental institute to help me from not harming myself everyday... She said no. I "Do not belong there"... Maybe I do! She has no idea. I wish I was on my own and can just go.... I know my brother needs me more than anything. I'm the only one he can talk to, hang out, tease, throw food at, and not get in trouble. He has serious mental conditions so he needs people like me... But I feel like that just isn't enough. I don't know...
     
  5. Qube

    Qube Well-Known Member

    Hey tubachikk,

    See u have a reason to live.
    Ur brother....

    U can see him everyday and think that what will happen to him.

    Living for others sometimes give much happiness.

    Thanks and count me whenevr u needs help.

    I am open for any talks.

    take care.
     
  6. SweetTearsOfDeath

    SweetTearsOfDeath Well-Known Member

    I do not see my brother every day... I see him like every.... Once in two months.
     
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