I wish I could just start over... I am so unhappy. I weep everynight and get terrified of mydreams. I feel like my life is a lie. That everything that people say to me is a lie or a joke. I feel like everyone just loves the mask I wearing, not who I actually am. I feel like the only person who understands me, is my step dad. I don't even understand myself. I'm scared to. I'm afraid of dealing with myself and I'm afraid to do anything. I'm home alone today because I'm "sick". I should be at school attending my tenth grade honors classes... I just couldn't do it today. My mother has started drinking and smoking. I can't stand being close her anymore because she wreeks of smoke and alchohal. Of all the days I want to commit that awful seven letter word... I think of her. Early 2010 her father commited suicide about six months after a horrible failed attempt. He (mod total eclipse) five minutes before we were suposed to pick him up to take him to the store. . My mother still continues to cry at the mention of his name. She has a few mental conditions that are huge, as does everyone on her side of the family. Including me. Now, if I commited the same seven worded letter as my grandfather did.. What would happen to my mother? Her oldest and her most beloved daughter took her life. Odds are, she would do the same. Now, imagine her thirteen year old son if she had did that... My little brother would never be himself ever again. Scared in a way that no one can imagine. Of all the days I feel down and want to take my life. I think of them. They are the ONLY REASON in which I do not. I wish I was in a terrible freak accident in which I would never return. I can not take this anymore... I wish I would just die. I don't want to do on... I just do not want to.