I don't want to go...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ThePhantomLady, Feb 12, 2016.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I really don't want to go visit my mother this weekend.

    Last weekend she brought my abusers up in conversation and the weekend before she was yelling at me.

    I'm almost 26 years old. Ugh.

    But I can't say no this time... my mum's aunt is making homemade soup and since my aunt will be at a funeral it's only mum and me left to show up at that family lunch...

    I'm just panicking about it... I've woken up every hour... its 5 am right now.... and I've already made pathetic attempts at harming myself.

    I am so sick of being the good girl. No one ever did me any good.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Don't go, simple as that just say no. As you said..you're nearly 26, time to stand up for yourself and fight your corner, she is doing you much more harm than good. Just say no, pretend you are sick if you want or if you want to just tell your mom why you're really not going, I would.
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  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I'm on the train now and I feel physically I'll. Ugh.

    It doesn't help that I've got two very loud and destructive teenage boys sitting near me. I know it's irrational but I'm so scared of being physically hurt again.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    its not irrational at all hun, i hope all goes wonderful as you are an amazing person and i hope no harm comes your way. you are being very brave by going there, i hope you have a nice time without any stress, big hugs sweetheart (hugs)
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  5. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Damn it!!

    Mum's doing it again. And she won't shut up about that boy who molested me when I was 4. She's even talking about how she let him watch me when I was a baby.

    I can't deal with this sh't. I'm currently hiding in the bathroom...
  6. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You, as you said, are 26. There is no social requirement to allow anybody to be rude or to put yourself in a situation that makes you feel bad. Simply politely excuse yourself and if they want an excuse then tell them, you find it far too draining to show up at a lunch where instead of laughing and company it is stressful, and will not be showing up anymore unless it stops that. Perhaps even going out on the limb and on leaving today tell your mother you are too busy and have too many thing s going in to put up with listening her talk about somebody that abused you nonstop, so unless she commits to stop having that as a topic you will not be doing lunch anymore , and that it is a courtesy to tell her that, not a discussion. It is possible she simply does not understand how much it bothers you, so giving that unlikely benefit of th edoubt and making clear if that is to be brought up you will not be there anymore is more than fair warning. And thin if it is brought up again excuse yourself and leave.

    It is very hard to stand up to ones parents, that said , it needs to be done on occasion. It can be done without a huge fight, but only if you refuse to be baited into the potential fight by stating your requirements to be there and and following through and if it starts getting stupid, leaving as opposed to engaging. That is a far louder statement than can be made in a fight with words anyway. "Silence speaks volumes" sometimes.
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  7. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    My mother simply can't grasp that I'm still affected by what happened... even if I spoke up it wouldn't change a thing and I would just be 'difficult'. My mum believes you just brush off every bad thing that happened and walk away like it was nothing. I'm not like that... I'm fragile. Even if she admitted to beating me through my childhood and teens to harden me.

    I'm still at her house, I'm staying the night and things are civil now...
    But the next problem is that the school I went to and experienced so much bullying and abuse in so many forms from verbal to physical and sexual... is less than 200 meters away. Everytime I just look at the buildings I feel sick and angry. Walking the dog earlier he insisted on going in that direction... He wasn't pleased when I had to turn around 50 meters from the buildings... I couldn't take one step further or I feared I would have ended up throwing up.

    I have already decided I'm not going to come back... not until 2 weeks time when I'll be celebrating my Birthday with family and mums friends...

    Blegh. I wish I was stronger... and I hope the DBT therapy can help me deal a lot better with this.
  8. booklovr

    booklovr Well-Known Member

    Be strong phantomlady
    Don't worry you are doing beautifully til now.
    Also I strongly believe that you DONT have to come under any obligation.at all.ever.
    There's no gain in scraping the healing knee on the same pavement.
    That pavement is cracked.some pavements never change.
    Unfortunately I don't think your mother ever will understand...20 years is enough to expect a change.
    If she can't change.you need to change YOURSELF for both of U to exist in mutual near-harmony.
    Listen...hun...its not easy to put your foot down..but once you do things will be easier.

    You are independent.take all these things in your hands.infact its your birthday.you get to choose whose invited.
    I want U to not let anyone who might be potential panic be there at the party.

    Good luck.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
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